To my special someone,
You've probably forgotten about me. It's been a year or two since we last saw each other. We parted happily. With a smile. But not knowing it was the last time we were going to be together or even see each other. Did you ever think about that time? Do you still think about it? I did, a couple of times. But this is this. We're never going to see each other again. I guess that's how I see it.
It was just so magical, wasn't it? You always made me smile. You're not funny but you always made me laugh. You always had that temper, but you managed to stay calm around me. How did you do it? Why were you so different in my eyes than in everybody else's? You always mattered to me. And I hope I mattered to you just as much.
I wonder how you've been doing since we last...
Friends
I can remember when it all started, the moment I realized our relationship would never be the same. You walked into the room as if I had never existed. No warning signs, no red flags, you just walked right past me and without saying a single word told me everything you wanted me to know. I was hurt, confused, angry. Where did that come from? When did these feelings of bitterness and hatred toward me start? What had I done? It was in that moment that I felt the first stab of the knife. Someone who was supposed to love me did not, or at least didn’t act like it.
Over the years it would happen again at gatherings, parties and weddings. And I never really knew when it would strike. Sometimes, when it was just us, you were yourself. But when a group was together, that’s when I...
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I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't realize the power you held over me in that moment. You weren't even with me, but I felt your words resonate through my heart and mind. You made me laugh and smile even though I was clutching the scissors with harsh fingers.
No, you didn't stop me from jumping, not in this letter.
But you stopped me from going down that road.
This incident happened time and time again, most of the time you didn't realize what exactly you were doing. You weren't aware, but I didn't want you to be.
But you didn't need to know.
You changed my life without knowing it.
I laughed again.
You reminded me I'm not the vehemently disgusting creature my depression and anxiety telling me I was. You reminded me it's okay to eat. I need to eat. You reminded me it's okay to...
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Lately all I've been doing is the mundane life. Work, Eat, Sleep, Drink with friends, kiss my lover, workout and yoga. It's almost half of 2017. I have to give myself a huge pat in the back. Would I say I am comfortable back in Vancouver?, honestly, No. Apart of me still wants to continue on the journey. Quite a journey I did endure. Now it's almost a year in half I had a visit or recall my venture on the Emerald Isle. It was not the easiest transition on my very first month living in Ireland. I lost a dear friend of mine and I blame myself for the longest time. His timely death devastated me then 2 more deaths came along that trully hits home for me and on my second year in Ireland. The second day of the year another bad news reached me a very good friend of mine almost a brother to me...
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I remember loving you as family. Every goal, dream, every future thought had you in it. Whether we were sharing an apartment like we did then, or 800 miles away like we are now. You were my best friend, at that age above any other person in my life. Ride or die, if that was a thing people said back then. I can’t put my finger on the moment that started falling apart. I don’t know whether that moment was lost along with some of the better memories I have of us or maybe it was just so subtle and spread out that a defining moment didn’t really exist.
I know that it wasn’t just space between us, it was anger. It was passive aggressive words and actions. It was hurting me and although I doubt I was blameless I didn’t understand why or what. I tried a few times to understand and you would...
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So many of you... so many gone
over the years ive had so many awesome people come into my life and each and every one of you ive pushed away for one reason or another... i need you all to kmow that im so sorry, for my loss and yours, you're all ongoing with your lives and i imagine youve tried to forget about me, but i havent forgotten any of you;
Sophie
Steph
Sarah
Ellie
Danny
Sean
Ryan
Greg
Katy
Jamie
Phillipa
Jay
Lyndsay
April
Stuart
Kate
Wes
Chloe
Ewan
Ethan
Wilson (you kinda deserved it...)
Tawnie
Carley
Jack
Sharon
Cameron
Kirsty...
God seeing it listed makes this all the more painful, all those brilliant people who at one point or other meant the world to me, now memories and nothing more...
I wonder if any of you ever think of me at all?...
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Dear World,
Please just let me grieve my diagnosis. I'm in shock while simultaneously being sad, angry, and frustrated. I'm feeling rather blue. I'm feeling rather pissed. I'm feeling a lot. And most of it is not very good. Because even though it was the diagnosis I was expecting, it doesn't change the fact that it sucks. And it doesn't change the fact that it's not fair.
Five days ago, I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis. One day ago, I found out that my triathlon days are numbered. In fact, this whole Ironman thing is probably a terrible idea. So you know what? I'm feeling rather down. And that's okay. I won't feel like this forever. I know that. And you know that. But right now, I do. Because right now, I'm grieving. Because right now, I've been knocked off kilter, and I'm...
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You.
You forced me to choose. Why is that? After everything I did...I helped you find a place to live. I let you drive my car. I loaned you money for rent and bills you "just couldn't pay" that month (yet you were able to buy yourself a new smartphone.)
I found love. I found someone who thought I was beautiful inside and out...I found someone who completed me. Yes, you were my best friend...and you had your flings, and I didn't judge...and you would leave me all the time for your one night stands...you would ditch me to be with whats-his-face...Sergio? I think that was his name. Didn't he have a girlfriend while he was with you? I'm getting off topic here.
When my boyfriend proposed to me, I told you about it. I was so excited for you to be part of this new chapter in my life....
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Here it goes...
Dear Shane,
I would like to start my letter by saying I do miss you lot and everyday I never missed a day not thinking of your well being and how I wish I could have save a part of me to remind you that I always wanted to be your friend.
I am better person now because I slowly did everything things what I told you before I left Ireland. I got myself a place so in future my parents have their retirement home that I said I would do. I had challenge myself to my certification like how I mentioned it to you. You probably think by now I should have just let go and have forgotten everything about you. That I cannot do. I still think that it was never a waste to have met you. I do regret kissing you. I do regret making love to you. I do regret loving you as a lover...
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It’s kinda ironic, isn’t it? How you can call someone your best friend for so many years and the next thing you know, they’re your worst enemy. Instead of remembering you as my other half, I now just think of you as the best friend who broke my heart. I’ll never understand how someone can treat another person so cruelly. You constantly put me down and hurt my feelings. If I was wearing something you didn’t like, you’d let me know. The worst thing was, you always blamed me. Everything was my fault, and you almost convinced me that I was the bad friend, and that I was the problem. It took me many years to see it, but I’ve finally realized I’m not the issue, you are.
All of the hurtful things you’ve said about me, behind my back and over text message. Would you have said all of those cruel...
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