Dear D,
We were friend for a short time. Two years to be precise. Iconsidered you to be one of my best friends, in fact. You took me as is, wild past, crazy present, and fiery redhead's disposition. You never told me I was stupid, or ugly, or had a habit of falling in love with the worst man possible. In short, you were a wonderful friend.
We navigated the akward per friendship waters of UST and angst smoothly, and settled into what I thought was an adult relationship. You laughed at my family drama, and provided an
excellent sounding board for new adventures. I commiserated with your terrible luck with dates, and reassured you that it wasn’t you who was the problem, that there was nothing wrong with you, you just have a tendency to go for the crazy girls. You talked me through a rocky relationship start, and were there for me when I found my dad and the whole world fell apart. I drove an hour to see you when you went to uni, and baked you bread when you were tired and broke. You were a companion at the wildest times, after mass or while I washed the dishes, and in return, I tried my best to be a good friend.
Eventually you found a good relationship, with a woman who valued you for who you are. Although my heart rejoiced for your happiness, I perhaps was less than enthusiastic in conversation. I never met J, and I had seen you hurt so many times. I wanted you to guard you heart until the perfect woman found it. Regardless of my reservations, I am truly happy for you. You are my friend, and you being happy makes me happy.
When we met for coffee that last time, all seemed well. We made plans to check in in a few weeks and set up another coffee break. There was a lovely, wild conversation about knife laws and politics. I only remember asking about J the once, simply because your relationship was still new, I only knew about it because I work with your brother, and you didn’t really seem to
want to talk about it. Memory is fallible, but truly, this is all I can recall.
The next couple of weeks past quickly, during which I remember asking after you to your brother a couple times, more to make conversation on our only common ground than anything. Perhaps
we talked about you and J, I honestly can’t recall, and I certainly never made any kind of attack on her or your relationship. I remember laughing with a friend about how at one point, most of
my co-workers thought we were dating, and how silly that was, as neither of us ever was truly interested in the other. Beyond that, I can not remember any conversation that involved you or J as a topic.
When I reached out to you again, I received no response. The second time, I received a ‘hanging out with J, sorry’. I replied with ‘Sure, ditch the plain old friend for the girlfriend. :) Have
fun.’ The third time, I tried a different track, and simply mentioned that I finally got my keyboard back, hoping to start a conversation. After two months of no texts and brush offs when we bumped into each other in our small town, I asked if we were ever gonna hang out. You then informed me that I had made comments that made you uncomfortable. I immediately apologized, and asked what I had said. You replied that comments made at work and before had been disrespectful to J and to your relationship. I have no idea which comments you feel
were hurtful and ‘crossed a line’, but apparently I made them. I apologized again, and assured you that I wanted nothing but happiness for you. I told you I would love to meet J and tell her
how happy I am for you. I apologized again, and asked if you thought we could move past this. You never responded.
I am hurt. I valued our friendship more than that. I am naturally selfish, and so I feel like almost two years of companionship deserves more than two months of silence and no reply to my
apology for something i'm fairly sure i never did, especially intentionally. I don’t know if there is more going on, perhaps the things you’ve heard have been passed through three people before they reach you, or maybe J is uncomfortable with you having a female friend, or something else altogether. Or, perhaps you really think so poorly of me as to believe I would break you trust to insult your girlfriend. I’m just not sure, and I likely never will get an answer from you.
Here’s what i’m going to do. Now that i’ve put my hurt and anger into the world, i’m going to delete our previous conversation from my phone so that I don’t obsess over it. If you don’t get
back to me within a month, I’m going to delete your phone number so that the temptation to call and beg for an answer is gone. When I see you around, I will smile, say hello, perhaps even ask how you’re doing, and then walk away. You have made it plain you don’t trust me or want me in your life, so I will respect that, even though you have no respect for me. I would have appreciated if you had found a more mature way to discuss any problems you had with me, however, I recognize that you did what you were comfortable with. You hurt me though, and were you to come to me and ask to resume our friendship, I hope I would have the strength to tell you no.
All the best in life,
S
