So many of you... so many gone
over the years ive had so many awesome people come into my life and each and every one of you ive pushed away for one reason or another... i need you all to kmow that im so sorry, for my loss and yours, you're all ongoing with your lives and i imagine youve tried to forget about me, but i havent forgotten any of you;
Sophie
Steph
Sarah
Ellie
Danny
Sean
Ryan
Greg
Katy
Jamie
Phillipa
Jay
Lyndsay
April
Stuart
Kate
Wes
Chloe
Ewan
Ethan
Wilson (you kinda deserved it...)
Tawnie
Carley
Jack
Sharon
Cameron
Kirsty...
God seeing it listed makes this all the more painful, all those brilliant people who at one point or other meant the world to me, now memories and nothing more...
I wonder if any of you ever think of me at all? Because I think of you all often
infact its crushing me recently...
I have borderline personality disorder, i cut you all out/pushed you away before you could do it too me... I was never loved you see, so im scared of being loved and having people support me, I yearn for the connection you all had to offer but i am paradoxically terrified of it as well
the second name on that list once told me something that stuck with me throughout the interactions of the rest "im destined to be alone" its always been my default position, alone, i cant tell any of you this in person because im terrified of manipulating people into being there for me
why is it so hard to keep people that care?
i test and i test and eventually you all walk away
i dont blame you, i just dont think i can do it any more
just know that im sorry, i still love you all deeply, deeper than you will ever know
how hard it is to grieve people that arent dead
