inhale , exhale

Subject: inhale , exhale
From: jeanne
Date: 16 Jun 2017
Mountain Top

Lately all I've been doing is the mundane life. Work, Eat, Sleep, Drink with friends, kiss my lover, workout and yoga. It's almost half of 2017. I have to give myself a huge pat in the back. Would I say I am comfortable back in Vancouver?, honestly, No. Apart of me still wants to continue on the journey. Quite a journey I did endure. Now it's almost a year in half I had a visit or recall my venture on the Emerald Isle. It was not the easiest transition on my very first month living in Ireland. I lost a dear friend of mine and I blame myself for the longest time. His timely death devastated me then 2 more deaths came along that trully hits home for me and on my second year in Ireland. The second day of the year another bad news reached me a very good friend of mine almost a brother to me passed away suddenly I didnt knew if I was grieving or didnt even knew if I started to realise a losses in my life.

With all the heartaches I endured, LOVE filled that emptiness and lost hope. I met a man who saw me eye to eye. We loved each other but in the end we bid our goodbyes. I went back to Canada broken, confuse and angry.

Slowly I turn all my energy getting better of myself but still seems like nothing change. Im still broken, confuse and now furious. Each day I told myself tomorrow is a new day, but it was the same bull shite over and over. Then one of my tomorrows became a bit clearer. My very first hike back on the mountains when I reached that top. I remember how painful it was to get on the top , how hard I have to go through just to reach to see the real beauty and the panoramic scene on the peak of the mountain.

In my life it is like an ascend to the mountain top all the time. I am aching for each step I take , I still fall and slip, I still get poked and scratch by torns of plants and bitten by insects, I still stop cause I am out of breath, I still want to give up half way through, I sweat so much that I am embarrassed that i stink the trail, I still wait for that good weather to hike on any given mountains or trails. But when I get to the top I'll be able to inhale the fresh air and exhale life.

I realize that no matter what it is just like hiking I must persevere. I must be patient most of all I must be kind to myself. No matter how high or difficult what life given to me , how long it takes to get there but if my goal is to keep going to reach the top. I know I will appreciate the picturesque view. The journey is as important as the view on top.
I must say after everything. I have forgiven myself frim torturing myself for 2 years, It is one mountain i conquered and I had great friends and family that assured me that all the pain I felt was part of a great epic journey. I still have little night scares once in awhile but I am sure that I am safe and I sound those are just reminder to be cautious, to be firm, and to believe that tomorrow will always a new day to inhale and exhale life.