Can you imagine?
Falling in love. The love you needed after many years of not being good enough, abuse, trauma, what have you. The best love. The love you know is there until the end.
Can you imagine?
Something interrupts that love, something overbearing that fights your happiness at every turn. A demon, that isn’t yours, wants to make itself yours, and then there’s… a child.
A child you love like your own.
Can you imagine?
You’re not supposed to love this child like your own. You’re here to be a character, made to be evil by those who aren’t with you each day.Many will traumatize you until you, kicking and screaming, learn your place.
Can you imagine?
Holidays are supposed to be a time of peace, love, and family. But you’re not welcome. You’re destined for a life of...
Family
It kills me to write this. I’m a mess. I’m actually going to die when I didn’t have to.
The 22nd is Thursday and I doubt the judge will give us more time, even though we should not be evicted in the first place. But, when you don’t have money for an attorney, you’re done in the court.
No one will rent to us because the inventory of homes is so limited that landlords can choose people with perfect credit and without disabilities, so that’s exactly what they’re doing. That’s definitely not us. I’m sure you could imagine what these medical problems did to our finances.
We don’t have any family so we won’t have anywhere to go. Shelters are full, but we’re on a waiting list. I can’t be by a lot of people with my immune deficiency anyhow, but it would be good if my daughter and husband...
401
Hi mom, how are you? How is life treating you? I'm doing just fine, you would know that if you bothered to call every once in awhile. But I get it, you are busy raising 2 other kids and your friends' kids. I love how you could be a mother to everyone except me. You missed my first words, first steps, even kindergarten graduation. You missed my first school dance, My first heartbreak, my first car. I'm in college now. And for some reason, while I was doing schoolwork, you popped into my head. I wish I could make you feel how you made me feel. Unwanted, left in the cold, unloved. I could not string enough words together in a sentence for you to understand my hatred for you. I don't understand how someone who calls themselves a mother could abandon her first born but be present for the rest...
2,160
Dear Oakley,
When you take the opportunity to read this someday, you will know that you are receiving my last open letter that I will ever write because you are my final child. I hope you really enjoy what I was feeling about your welcoming when this was written. I hope that we can eventually have a laugh together to see how right or wrong I was when I wrote this for you.
At this point, I am a seasoned veteran as a father. I have the dad thing down, but I know I have much to learn with you being my first and only daughter. I have been forewarned that little girls always have their dad wrapped around their little finger. I am so ready to find out if this is true when I meet you. I promise to protect you, but hopefully not be too overprotective. The one thing I can guarantee is...
552
In these days of social media, female empowerment, and successful women, I wonder: where is that empowered, beautiful, and put-together woman inside of me? I feel like I lost her the day I became a mother, and don't get me wrong, I love my son with all my heart. It's been six years, and I still hadn't found those facets that were so me before I became a mother. It's hard to find yourself exhausted one day, wanting to be present for your child and your job, the one you fought so hard for, the role you yearned for. One day, anxiety, depression, lack of "tribe," and lack of good motherly love win you over, not for my son but for myself.
I found myself face to face with pain, incomprehension, trauma, and the whip of the judge who I thought would be my best ally in this journey: my mother....
134
My best friend plays poker with her dad. A school friend's dad woke her up to watch the northern lights together. I hear people talk about things they've done with their fathers, I see snippets of other people's lives with their dads, full of smiles and laughter and good times. With you, I have only regrets and bad memories.
They say you only get one family. That's not entirely true - I know people with divorced parents that have two mums and two dads. But yes, I only have one family. I'm honestly happy that it is that way. I don't want a family. I don't want to be around you. I don't want to celebrate Christmas with you, I don't want to celebrate New Years with you, I don't want to celebrate Easter with you. You taught me that family is a hassle, a bother, an annoyance.
You taught...
339
Just a note of thanks that you are like you are, that you have given me two beautiful grandchildren, who I love dearly.
Thanks you for seeing me as I am now and not as I was when you were growing up.
521
My childhood was not really nice. Didn't get beat or anything but the verbal abuse from my father was something that I though was normal. Years later, when I was a single mum with you, I did somethings better but also abused you verbally. Motherhood overwhelmed me.
Now I am almost 70 and after my father died in 88 I still had the feeling that I wanted to tell him what he was responsible for in my life - eating disorder, depression, feeling worthless. As for my mum I couldn't understand why she did not protect me from him. And when I tried to talk to her about it she always avoided the subject. I developed a grudge.
Therapy brought some relief, but basically it was only when I realized that both of my parent, born 1928 and 1929, had their own past with my fathers father being a...
683
At the time I did not think much about the fact that you did not ask me to come when you went wedding dress shopping. You went with your best friend.
It is only since I sometimes watch those shows about brides in the shops choosing theirs and their mum being there with tears in their eyes because they see how beautiful their daughter is, that I am sad about me not being there when you were out buying your dress.
You now have a daughter yourself, who at 8 told me that I can come when she chooses her wedding dress.
I have no doubt that she will want you there too. That will save you the sadness that you could not anticipate by me not being there.
601
Another year has gone by and I have still not contacted you. The last time we saw each other was when Matilda started school and we all were out to lunch.
There had been a few situations that really irritated me about your attitude towards me and my life and I guess your comments on the fire in our town where foreigners were targeted and my comment that I am not doing anything about this got us into the situation again where you could not understand my standpoint of living in a small town with conservative people opposed to you living in Berlin, a very diverse and tolerant BIG city.
After this I decided that I will not let myself get irritated by you anymore, which means having as little to do with you as possible.
Do you remember a few years ago when we went away for a few...
1,538