I remember loving you as family. Every goal, dream, every future thought had you in it. Whether we were sharing an apartment like we did then, or 800 miles away like we are now. You were my best friend, at that age above any other person in my life. Ride or die, if that was a thing people said back then. I can’t put my finger on the moment that started falling apart. I don’t know whether that moment was lost along with some of the better memories I have of us or maybe it was just so subtle and spread out that a defining moment didn’t really exist.
I know that it wasn’t just space between us, it was anger. It was passive aggressive words and actions. It was hurting me and although I doubt I was blameless I didn’t understand why or what. I tried a few times to understand and you would react like a hurt animal – pushing me away. In the midst of all of this my life took a rough turn.
The worst time to hit rock bottom is when your number one support, the person you have been counting on for years in moments like this, is gone. I thought we were still close enough I could reach out and tell you I needed you. You just seemed annoyed. Like I was a kid trying to get your attention. But I wasn’t. I was hurting in more ways then one.
I tried to take control of what I could: work, college, money, eating, exercise. I was depressed, stressed, and over worked. But the things I could control were the only things that kept me from coming unhinged. I don’t know what that would have resulted in. As other people started noticing they turned to you. The person that knew me best – or at least you used to. When you couldn’t give them an answer and you didn’t have the desire to understand you identified a problem that wasn’t there.
Maybe to you the problem did seem real. Maybe it seemed like the only solution. Because to really understand my problem you would have had to talk to me again, not ignore me in the apartment we shared, leaving notes on my door and sending texts from the other room. You couldn’t do that and we could not longer bridge the gap. Years later I still debate whether what you did was out of guilt for the part you played in the emotional place I was at or if it was out of spite for the dilapidation of our friendship. Maybe it was out of the little concern you still had for me but you were too exhausted.
All I knew is you hadn’t taken the time to care for me in a long time and despite what you say, what you did wasn’t of love. It was out of something else.
Regardless you told everyone my “problem”. You changed the way people looked at me. You made people scared for me, and even though I did need help you put their focus on the wrong things. Before I knew it you convinced everyone. While I was trying to heal I had people tell me daily that I was damaged. While I needed to make people understand what I needed everyone else felt they knew the answer – they didn’t need to listen. You put everyone to work on trying to take the little control I had left out of my hands and it broke me. You broke me.
It has been 5 years almost to date. I saved myself because you took away everyone that could have saved me at home. These 800 miles from the lie that you fed and the things that you said are the reason I am healed. I could deal with my own problem instead of defending my truth. I could surround myself with those who were not corrupted by your answer, but were willing to listen to mine. I slowly built up confidence in myself and the true understanding what was going on inside of me.
I wish you would have helped me out of love instead of fear, pride, and anger. I wish you would have taken a moment – despite whatever it was that had come between us to realize I needed you. I wish you would have taken the time to listen to me even if you didn’t want to be friends, even if we had grown apart. Then I could look back on my fondest moments without the blur of pain and hurt. I have moved on, and I am fine and so are you. I can’t say this to your face like I would like to but maybe, just maybe this will find you, or someone like you. Maybe whoever it finds will understand. Maybe they will listen.