You Bastard!

Dear N Hell is a real place! It is not just an abstract concept, a metaphor or something made up to scare...hell is the place at your side, darling. Hell is being your partner, hell is living with you and being "loved" by you. Writing this, I can still hear your voice in my head, the voice you always used when making snide, hurtful comments and judgements about me, my character, my person, about those I love and hold dearly. I have still flashbacks of the all-encompassing despair engulfing me, paralyzing me, haunting me while living with you. Let's talk about boundaries, darling. I had none. Before you, I was an empath with no firm boundaries in place, always going overboard to accommodate and be understanding and willing to bend whatever personal boundaries I had in place....
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This letter is to a boy, not a man...a boy. This is to the boy who told me I was the only one he wanted. The boy who always told me I was the most beautiful girl in the world and that he could never be attracted to anyone else. To the boy who told me that the girl he cheated on me with was a dumpy, unattractive friend like a brother. This is to you. You, the liar. The liar who told me that all my past relationships were manipulative and gross and that you would never be like that...but you were. Always telling me subtly what not to wear, how not to look and how not to act when around others. I couldn't have fun without you asking me questions of who, what, where, why...but when I did the same, I was just being invasive and jealous. You, the liar, who told me that you...
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I now understand. I now understand why you left me. It had nothing to do with me. I now understand why you bad mouthed your first wife. It had nothing to do with me. I now understand why you cleaned out our bank accounts. It had nothing to do with me. I now understand why you went on a spending spree. It had nothing to do with me. I now understand why you text my friends. It had nothing to do with me. I now understand why you lied to anyone who would listen. It had nothing to do with me. I now understand why you rejected your children. It had nothing to do with me. I now understand why you lied to your solicitor. It had nothing to do with me. I now understand why you lied to your barrister. It had nothing to do with me. I now understand why you lied to the...
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Hello friend. I must say I haven’t missed you. Even though I created you and you are only a voice in my head. It has been a while since I spoke to you. It’s hard but there are things I need to get off my chest. For a while I haven’t been able to hear from you. Amidst a false clarity from the ironic cloud alcohol and narcotics provide, I seem to have lost touch with you. But in my sobriety I can tell that you are there, reading this. I know because I can hear you. I hear you speak the words as I type. I hear it in my head. It’s funny how life seems to work. Not in reality, but in my head. Because in my head I make up these false ideas and perceptions of what life is even though they may not accurately reflect what actually ‘is’. It’s my perspective. But if that is only how I perceive it,...
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Dear N Before we became a couple, I had known you half of my life and I trusted you. You were a friend, not a close friend, but a friend nonetheless. You had been in love with me (or so you said) for more than twenty years. You put me on a pedestal, I felt flattered.. 5 years ago I was vulnerable and sad and I felt lost and stuck. You came swooshing in, sweeping me off my feet in a whirlwind courtship. You proposed marriage and an exciting life together, a life you had been waiting for, longing for. I was ready! Finally ready. Your sense of urgency was romantic and it felt so right, you know? I wanted to drastically change my life and you had been in my life so long, a trusted companion and amazing lover. You were exuberant like a child before Christmas and I felt safe because I knew...
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Every July 15th we relive the worst day of our life. This year will be the 10th time that we relive and remember the horrific events of that day. The day that you murdered my sister. The day you murdered Shea, Ryan and Jordyn’s mother. She was having a great day, enjoying the warm weather, swimming with the kids and her best friend. She was enjoying her independence after ending the relationship with you. She no longer wanted any parts of your jealous, possessive and manipulative behavior. She was a very strong, confident and independent career woman who did not need or want to be in a relationship that showed such obvious red flags. But despite the break up, that day consisted of non-stop phone calls from you over and over and over again. Knowing that she would never have any...
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Dear douche bag, There is so much I want to say to you I don't even know where to start, I suppose the beginning would be best. You were my first everything, my first boyfriend, my first love, my FIRST, my first heartbreak. I gave you everything when you had nothing. I remember when I first met you and you were a lost little boy at the age of 14, you were looking for so much. Somehow I thought you were everything, I was amazed and excited at finally being noticed, finally being wanted by someone. I was just a young naive girl who wanted to save "the lost boy". I wanted to be your light in the dark. I convinced my mom to take you into our home when you had no where to go. She fed, clothed you, gave you a roof over your head, heck she even gave you spending money and at one point...
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Since before the birth of my daughter, I’ve been a single parent. We were two near strangers who had a child together. I was guilty of dreaming that we could grow together and eventually be a family. I imagined what our lives would look like, the things you described we would do, the kind of mother I wanted to be. But in my heart of hearts, I knew I wouldn’t be able to depend on you. I was only 4 months pregnant when the stress of it all sent you to rehab. Your excuses were “I’m doing this so that I can be a better parent for our daughter”. Her birth came and by whatever good graces, they allowed you to attend, if just for a day. I was alone, a new mother leaving the hospital with a brand new baby, waiting to be picked up by a family member while other happy parents left with their...
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I just don't understand people. What happened to the days when people were considerate, kind and genuine? It appears as the years go by people become selfish, mean, cold, rude and self absorbed. Recently I opened the door for an older gentleman who yelled at me for being polite? I mean I couldn't believe I was yelled at because I wanted to be considerate. Most of the time I hold the door open or an elevator door open and I never get a thank you...most of the time the person has his or her head glued to their phone. I mean...really is it that serious? So frustrating. Well, I can go on for days about why I am pissed off because it seems I'm in that mind frame a lot lately living her in lovely Califakenia...Oh I mean California...sorry. I have a tale the tell that infuriates me to no end...
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TW: suicide, mental health issues, sexual assault This will be loud. This will be raucous. This will be angry. And this will be vulgar. Because I don't know how else to convey this lava-hot fury. And because my body is worth my anger. All women's bodies are worth this anger. Today I weighed in-at your office-- after lunch and lots of water, while bloated on my period-- at 154 lbs. I am 5'5" tall. Given those numbers, a simple BMI calculator spits out 25.6. This is .6 into the "overweight" category. So when you sat down in the exam room, without wasting more than 45 seconds in small talk, you bestowed upon me the label of "overweight." It was a slap in the face, to be sure. Just the word made me feel dirty. Less than. That was bad enough. But I was pretty prepared for it. Your...
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