Divorce is like death….the death of the person you love the most. You feel their absence acutely. It brings with it the added bonus, however, of excruciating guilt and/or the agony of rejection because you either chose this or it was chosen for you. There’s a constant battle with indecision and regret…you’re always second guessing yourself because you feel like you could take it all back if you really wanted to. You could have prevented it if you were only just a little more perfect. Everything could go back to how it used to be and the pain could all disappear if only...
Imagine that; mourning the death of a loved one, wondering if you should try to bring them back…..but knowing you can’t, or you shouldn’t, even though deep down you really want to.
Just because you handle life on your own and you’ve had intense hurts that you’ve already managed to get through, it doesn’t mean that you don’t need support when difficult things happen all over again. It doesn’t mean that you don’t need people to be thoughtful and ask how you’re doing….ask you to come over…make sure you’re not always alone….consider for one second that you could possibly be lonely. Friends aside, you think you could at least count on your family to care enough to think of you; but no, even they fall away. You won’t believe who will fall away…..and this will never ever stop. They all do it; they’re nowhere. Even when you reach out, they do not answer…..and I think this is what hurts the most. You’re so surprised each time another person disappears, but you shouldn’t be. This is always how it is.
People don’t seem to realize that losses accumulate and each one hurts worse. They think you toughen up and you’re immune and you could never feel lonely because you’re used to it. That is absolutely not true. Each loss hurts more than the last, and there are days when you just don’t even want to be alive, but you have to.
Are you afraid of me because you think pain is contagious? Do you think I’m some sort of social deviant? Am I subversive, somehow? I’m to blame and don’t deserve kindness of any sort? I would prefer harsh words to utter silence. Come at me with your criticism; only don’t disappear.
