You Bastard!

To my Mom's Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis: I’ve been thinking a lot recently about what my life might be like if my mom didn’t have you. Or, I should say, if you didn't have my mom. Would I be closer with her? Would we do more things together? Would we take trips, see broadway shows or go shopping together? I have no idea how life might be if you weren't always around. But I do know how your presence has changed me. I’m a lot sadder than I used to be. I like to think of myself as a fairly optimistic person, but truthfully, you've made me a lot darker inside. You've hardened me and made me feel more sad than I ever have been before. You're heavy and burdensome, but I'm always carrying you with me. I judge people more quickly. I get angry at people who take important...
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*This isn't for my benefit. This isn't to get attention or for people to feel sorry for me. This is an important topic that doesn't get talked about enough, so many people like myself suffer in silence and guilt for too long before they get out, if they ever get out. This letter is for everyone suffering in silence, to let you know that you aren't alone and that you aren't dramatic or crazy and that you can get out.* Abuse. A five letter word no one wants to hear, a word that resonates so deeply with so many people. When you think about abuse you most often think about a child or a woman hiding bruises and making excuses, or an angry boyfriend or parent beating the victim senseless. But after my freshman year of college I know abuse can be and is so much more than a physical trauma. In...
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To My Abuser; It may seem strange that I’m writing to you at all. I doubt that you’ve given me much thought in the time that has passed since I decided to say goodbye to you for good. Maybe you do, but you’ve probably moved on much quicker than I was able to. After all, you weren’t the one who had to deal with the mess that you made; you weren’t the one who had to put me back together. So, yes; I have thought about you a lot since our relationship has ended. No, don’t flatter yourself. None of these thoughts have been good. Mostly they’ve been along the lines of me hating you for every single thing that you are, and every single thing that you’ve done to me. Other times it has been hatred for myself. I hate that I gave parts of me to you that should be reserved for someone who truly...
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You were my hero. My night in shining armor. You were gunna walk me down the isle at my wedding. You were supposed to be my best friend. But it turns out that I was just a lonely kid making up these things in her head. Because I now realize you are a coward. Pathetic even! You were supposed to protect us from anything and everything. But it turns out you were too busy staying at your girlfriends house or too busy allowing these things to happen under the same roof we slept! I was molested EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY and I used to watch my sister get beat almost every night and the man who was supposed to help and save the day was stealing our things from us and bringing them to his girlfriends house. You were never there. I found comfort in being molested because SOMEONE WANTED ME.. how...
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“Dad”, I’ve got to say you have to be the one person who has hurt me the most yet you aren’t even a part of my life. You were the first man I called Dad, but you certainly did not earn that. I guess that’s what hurts the most. You were never there for me, and you are the one person in life who is supposed to be. I was supposed to be “daddy’s little princess” or “daddy’s little girl”, but you never gave me the chance to be. I am now nearly eighteen years old and the only thing you’ve ever given me is a broken heart. You were supposed to be my dad, the one person I can go to with all of my problems. The person that keeps me from harm. You missed seeing me grow up. You missed four birthdays, four Christmases, when I got my driver's license, and most likely you will not only miss...
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I spent the first few months wondering “how” and “why” and in all my searches, I eventually uncovered that it doesn’t matter. I think from day one, I was in love with the idea of who you could be and what we could be, and unfortunately I took that and ran with it. I never took the time to truly get to know the real you and fall for that person. I probably never would have fallen in love with your anxious, jealous, manipulative behaviour. I spent so many months wondering “did he ever really love me?”, and now I find myself wondering if I ever really loved you. At first, I thought about the years we spent together and how much time I’d invested or wasted with you. As time went on I realized that my life in no way stopped when I was with you. Being with such a neglectful person gave...
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Our story was typical. We met through snap-chat and we took a chance and met. At the senior night basketball game at my school. You were from a small Missouri town 20 minutes away. You were exactly who you said you were and I was so excited! You were so sweet and proper. I couldn't be more excited. Everything that night left me thinking of how lucky I was to get this kind of fairy tale. You kissed me at the end of the night. I remember thinking "holy crap" that's how I've always wanted to be kissed. I could of stood there in the parking lot and kissed you all night. But I don't think our parents would have liked that very much. So when I was driving home all I could think about was how much I liked you. We later made plans to meet up again. Only this time. I met your parents and and your...
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You should have told me you are going to shut off from my life so that I no longer have to deep in my self for the thousands of what if’s and just move on and let go from hurtful truth.
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To the person who molested me. Why? At what point did you ever think it was okay touch me? At what point did my quiet, broken no become a yes to your ears? At what point did it become okay for you to sneak into my room night after night. I was only thirteen. I had never even kissed a boy. And you made me never want to. You made me terrified of the opposite sex. You made me lose sleep almost constantly for seven years. Your face still haunts me, even after all this time. I finally found someone who I cared enough to get close to. Someone who I trusted enough to try and pick up the broken pieces of me and patch them back together. And he is amazing. And because of you, I wake up terrified in the middle of the night, fighting to get away from him. Not because he scares me. But...
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Every night, I miss you. Every day, every passing moment, I miss you. You are always in my mind and I really cannot get you out of it. It seems like you live in the depths of me. You are inhabiting me. But that was the last time. I swore to myself that I will never think of you. It was hard but through Him, I eventually succeeded. Even though you are happy now, I want to thank you for making me happy on the days I felt down. Thank you for teaching me the real meaning of friendship. Thank you for telling that to my face. Thank you for treating me like a friend, because I am your friend and that will never change. Even if I have fallen for you, I am still a friend. You wanted something from me that I could never give. You wanted my virginity. You told me all those...
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