Dear sperm donor,
First I just want to say thank you for walking away not only once, but twice. I was about 13 when I found out about you, and you where the first man that ever made me feel worthless and unwanted. I wondered why I wasn't good enough for you to stick around. I wondered what you looked like and if you ever thought of me. I was upset that my parents had kept it from me for so long, and it took me a long time to realize that they were doing it to protect me and because they loved me.
When I was 18, and I first met you I was so nervous which I don't know why because I owed you absolutely nothing. My mom had asked me numerous times through the years if I wanted to meet you, and I always said no because why? I felt as though if you really wanted to meet me then you would...
Family
Hi Vince, how are you buddy?
As I sat in the Emergency room of Lennox Hill Hospital recently I was truly scared for the first time in my life. I was scared that this picture of you which was taken the last time I saw you as you departed Beijing International Airport would be the last time I would see your smile. That day was one of the saddest days I had to endure,but not even close to the devastation when your mother told me last Christmas that she had divorced me while I was working abroad. She never once told me she wanted a divorce or was planning to get one Vince. It just came out of the blue as I was on my way to Canada to be with the only family I have for Christmas.
I thought for sure from our last conversation on the phone that it would be a happy and joyous reunion for...
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Dear Confused, Depressed, 12-year-old,
No one has told you yet, but there’s this thing called mental illness. It sounds scary, but I promise you it’s not as bad as you think it is.
You know how you get really sad sometimes and think about dying? Not all people think that way. Those intense mood swings where at one moment you feel like flying and the next you feel like screaming at everybody can’t always be simply “growing up”.
I’m reaching out to you. There’s a whole world full of people just like you and me. We all went through the awful adolescence that is self-discovery. We all wondered why none of our friends had emotions too big to cover up like we did. Some of us suffered quietly. Some of us screamed at the world. Some of us questioned authority at every turn.
We have...
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An Open Letter To The Absent One.
Dear Absent One,
I want you to know I am not angry. I am not upset about the choices you’ve made and will continue to make. If you think I am upset; I assure you— I am not whatsoever. Being a parent is scary business. I understand the unbelievable fear of hearing those two words, “I'm pregnant”. I was terrified myself. Not only hearing those words but hearing “twins” right after REALLY complicated things between us. We all have choices in life, and I happen to make the choice that not only affected me but you as well. Although this is true… I’m happy about the choice that I made. You on the other hand are not, but that’s just okay. It’s normal. I gave you the ultimatum to be in or out. You chose out.
I’m not upset. Rather disappointed, but not...
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Hi Vince,
This virus crap still has me trapped in New York which is the last place I want to be right now. In fact I really thought that by now we’d be playing some tennis together every day and catching up on each other’s lives. Buy I guess mom wants you to forget about me. I suppose forgetting about me and all the stress my legal problems created fro her is a convenient way to deal with things if she found a new guy to take my place or if she’s being threatened again by the American government goons. Either way I can understand Vince, but it does not solve the problem of our family separation. You are my treasured and cherished son and from the day you were born, you were someone quite special. Let me explain…
First of all, you made sure we would never forget your arrival. You had...
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To the mom who can’t stop thinking about the baby she lost,
I'm sorry.
I’m sorry that your arms are empty when they should be holding a little baby. Perhaps the hardest part of the miscarriage is the weeks and months later when every day feels like it could’ve been a milestone in that little angel’s life. Would they have taken their first steps today? Said their first word? I’m sorry that you won’t get to find out.
I’m sorry that every time you pass that room in your home, you hear silence instead of laughter. Hell, I’m sure you’d even be happy to hear crying; anything that resembles life would be better than this deadly silence.
I’m sorry that you had to hear all of the cliche phrases: “It happens for a reason” or “This was meant to be.” Sure, it might not have been time...
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Today is March 12, 2020 Vince and I just mailed you letter 23 since I got back to America last August. I have not heard back from you so I'm thinking maybe someone is taking your mail because you were never a lazy kid. I sent you a few photographs and a poem I want you to read to your mom and another for grandma for me. I am really worried about you buddy so please give me a call or send me your telephone number to AppaDiMarco {at} yahoo.com and I will call you. I tried to call you at JMS but nobody ever answers the phone! (Always Voicemail).
Anyway, this is my favorite photo that is on the back of my bedroom door and when I was in China all those years it resided in the center of my refrigerator door. Coaching your Little League baseball team was a lot of fun for me buddy - how about...
808
Hi Vince,
Going through our family photos this one here reminded me of how such little things made us both so happy. If you remember this day, it was the day you finally got to do what Mom and Emo would never let you do because they didn't what you to "get your hands dirty". You filled up the tank on our Audi and then we went to race go-karts at Square 1, and it was the first time you drove your own cart instead of sitting on my lap as mom always insisted. As usual, you had no fear, and put the gas pedal down all the way (even on the turns) and smoked me to the finish line by three cart lenghts. I will never forget how happy you were that day. You told every one that "I beat Appa by 15 feet at the track today!". You must have reminded me about that historic event at least ten times...
849
Mama tried.
To get you to see things for yourself instead of chasing this false reality you have created. Everyone is so unfair to you! No one should tell you anything! You poor child. People need to stop keeping you from living your life!
Mama tried.
To make you see the terrible choices you were making. The addiction we all saw coming fast and loud. It never mattered who you had to run over or who you had to betray, you did it, and you were merely a victim!
Mama tried.
To make you understand decisions you make now do matter in the future. How’s college going? No family, friends that will party with you, but don’t care about the hole that is left inside of you that no amount of sex, drugs, or booze will ever fill. Those children that looked up to you now see you as a role model...
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Hello my little Boo Boo!
– This is Appa, your real father writing to you to let you know that I did finally make it to the border of Canada in time for Christmas to bring you the electric rainbow I promised you. But mom said you are retarded and didn’t remember me any more. I don’t believe that because the last time we spoke on the phone, you told me you loved me five or six times and you said “Appa come home”. Dylan, I am coming home, one way or another so I can hug you every day, take you to school and to play in the park every day on the playground with your friends. I know you want to show them that you also have a real daddy who loves and misses you very much.
I know you are a very special little boy Dylan and that is I why I love you even more. I want to be there to protect...
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