Family

It has never been an easy relationship with you. I have always felt wrong in everything I do, I have always felt like I am not what you wanted. You complain about me and who I am, how can I help who I am when you are the one who created me? How can I help who I am when you are the one who raised me? I am what you made me and you are not happy. I have done everything I can to make you happy. You have done things to me I wish you never did, things I hope I never do to my daughter, you have said things to me I wish I could forget but those words will forever stay in my head. How is it that you can do all those things to me and I still love you whole heartedly but I have done nothing and I am still not what you want? As my mother I will always have respect for you and what you do for me, but...
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Cancer found its way into your brain. It dug its way into the middle of your brain and began to grow. You were just a baby, just two years old, you had barely started your life and it was already about to be taken away from you. There was very little chance of you surviving, but there was no way mom was going to let you go down without a fight, you went through chemo, radiation, and surgery after surgery after surgery. Now it wasn’t just the cancer killing you, it was everything that was being done to save you on top of cancer that was killing you. Your pain was obvious but how could a mother just sit back and watch her child die. After many treatments of radiation and chemo therapy, it had to come to a stop. Your cancer was not giving up and if the treatment continued, that would be your...
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Dear Mom, What do you say to a woman who is no longer on this earth? How do I express my anger, frustration, love, loss? Before your death, I was so terrified of you yet I loved you as any daughter should. I wished you would leave, go on vacation, abandon us, even die just so I could not live in fear for one day. I can still feel the way my fear would start in my chest and reach to the very depths of my toes. I remember the shaking, and literally being scared stiff as you came at me with a horse whip and swinging fists. I think back to those times and wonder “Why didn’t I run? Why didn’t I fight back?”. Was it my fear that held me there or was it my need to please you through obedience? I have so much pain I want you to see, I want you to recognize the damage you caused...
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To Leslie, this is how I normally feel going through my days without you around. I am currently sitting in class alone. I hear other people talking and laughing. I think of things to try and lift my mood or start conversing. But it is no use, I sit here in my desk angry and alone. Normally I don't mind being alone, but today is different. You are no where near me to make feel better. Our worlds are different now. As much as I hate missing you, I can't help it. Even if I were to hear your voice, I don't think it would make anything better. I think I would lose it and become emotional. I find myself thinking about you all the spare moments I have. Things I see and hear remind me of you. You are everywhere, but are nowhere to be found. Some days are harder than others, today is definitely...
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I was just a child when you left; I was just a baby in fact, just 3 years old. I was not able too much on my own. I was left alone because you could not lift your head far enough off the ground where you slept the day before, unable to make it to your bed. It was not just the alcohol that had a hold on you, but the spoon that you used not to feed me but your addiction. I held on to my older sister just 3 years my elder, to make my food and take me to play to act as my mother not just during role play in the game “house” but in my life as well. She was my example, the leader I would follow, I was her shadow. We did it all on our own. Our innocence corrupted by your ignorance. I write because I have to say thank you. Thank you for being who you are, because you have made me who I am...
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To the woman I call mama, Growing up I had the cool mom. The mom who was young and could be my older sister and if anyone dare say that to my face I’d be pissed at them for a while. Even though my friends always liked you, there were times that I didn’t. Times that I look back on now and know I was just being a brat. Typical kid rebelling against any authority figure who got to close, who wanted to try and connect with me. You see growing up I had a lot of responsibility on my shoulders. So much that I had a hard time doing what you told me because I felt you had no right. I took care of myself and in my eye’s, I didn’t need you. The oldest of four and a step-father who thought old fashion. You know the ones who bring home the bacon so it’s the woman’s job to raise the kids but that’s...
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To my In-Laws: How do I even begin? How do I adequately convey via a typed word the consistent uphill battle we have been in together for over 6 years?
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You are truly amazing. I could not possibly find enough ways to thank you or show you my appreciation for everything you do. But i'll try anyways. To the woman who deals with my heathen children while i'm at work. Who does it all. While starting my day at work enjoying a cup of coffee, you are changing diapers. When taking a moment to catch up on the news, you are scrubbing the floor clean of crayon residue. As I take a quiet walk around the office before sitting at my desk, you are having to repeat yourself to the children yet again, that pants go above the butt crack and not below. While speaking with a client on the phone, you are setting out a meal plan for the week.When i'm opening a research ticket with IT because i forgot a password, a fresh load of laundry is being...
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Dear husband, I never took the oath. I didn't have my branch pinned to my uniform. I never put on combat boots or trained with a gun. All I did was fall in love. I loved you my soldier for your gentleness. You are a quiet leader. Your fellow soldiers respect you and I respected you too. You were a good listener. You carried a sense of pride in your work and were good at it. You always pushed yourself to be better. You were my best friend and lover. You gave me everything you could to make me happy. There was something I wanted most from you but just couldn't have. That was your time. The army had you go from here to there, this duty and that duty, this exercise and that training. 2 weeks here, 1 month there. But I was willing to wait for you. I gave up on my own education and career to...
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To the two boys who stole my heart, I write this because no matter what guy I end up spending the rest of my life with, the two of you will forever hold my heart in your hands. Growing up with y'all has been the greatest thing to ever happen to me. I have learned so much about how I deserve to be treated. Thank you for that. Thank you for making me tough. When we were growing up, I always knew that I could never cry if I was the butt of the joke (which was usually the case) because it would only make matters worse. Because of this, I learned to take things with a grain of salt. I learned the true meaning of sticks and stones. It's because of all the slaps and hits that I took from the two of you that I am able to remain strong when times are hard. Thank you for making me tough....
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