I try so hard to act like I'm okay.
I try so hard it just drains me; I've no energy, I barely want to eat, and all I want to do is sleep.
But then someone looks at me and expects me to be okay and I have to put my "happy" mode on again.
I just want to brake down and cry. I just want all these feelings out of me.
But by the time I finally get a moment alone to fade out it's like the feeling have already been so repressed they just won't come out. So I just lay there...wishing I could just fall asleep so I can wake up renewed but my mind won't turn off; not thinking but not quiet either.
It's weird always being someone who people see as happy and easy-going when inside all I feel is a deep sadness that I wish someone would see; to just hold me and tell me it'll be ok. I just don't...
Broken Hearts
All I wanted was to live a life honoring and pleasing to God. I worked hard on bettering myself despite my obstacles, and I spent my life helping other people and being there for other people. Yet people are so easily swayed by claims that are so ridiculous and outrageous about me that go against everything I believe in, they turn their backs on me. They forget about the times I’ve been there for them. The times I prayed for them, the times I tried to give them godly counsel, the times I stayed up with them at night when they were in a crisis, the times I drew them artwork to encourage them. They forget about things I have publicly said that I believe that contradict what these claims about me say. Instead they call me delusional and a pathological liar. They know nothing of my story...
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Even though I hold you tight in my arms at night. Why do I feel something is missing inside of me? Can I ever get back that whole feeling that got broken? The days run on end. I can't sleep. Just thinking of another getting your affection. The secret conversation that happened. The provocative pictures that where sent. The affection I would just die for from you. I AM RIGHT HERE! am I not enough anymore? Why can't I be the one you want to have secret conversations with? Why can't I be the one you desire and lust for? Did I become to fat? Lazy? Neglectful? I feel so inadequate. I try and try not to think about it but can't stop my mind sometimes. I want you to love me like that. How do I get that? Is it even possible? Can you even love me like that after all these years? Or is that a...
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I miss the old times.
I miss getting to know you and the excitement and joy that came from it. I miss the small quirky things you did the few times we would catch up. My favorite moment with you is when we first really started talking and we got food after an outing at a park. We went through the drive through and I was going to pay but you said “your money’s no good here.” It’s not even that big of a deal but it’s the way you said it and the air about it that made it stick in my mind. I miss the way we talked and the light teasing back and forth. I still look back at the times you would try to tickle me and the way our hands held onto each other alittle longer than they should when I tried to push you away to “stop”. I miss you. Now, we still talk but it’s not the same. There’s no...
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You may have broken my heart but I still love you with all the pieces. Once my heart heals only the scars will remain to remind me that I never want to feel this pain again. My heart still aches as it heals because I never stopped loving you. The love I have for you is still unconditional but also guarded in anticipation of another heartbreak. I hate feeling like this. You are my soulmate. Maybe that's why this hurts so much? You make me so happy but now I am so scared and confused and why is it I want you now more then I ever had in the past? Is it because I know I lost you and don't want it to happen again? Is it because I am scared to face this life without you?as soon as I leave for work my heart starts missing you. I have so much emotions inside me right now I don't know if I want to...
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Hey A,
I wish one day you knew how much it destroyed me when you left. I was never ready for you to leave. I never want to miss you, miss your smile, your eyes, your voice, your laugh and your existence. Because I wanted you forever to be in my arms. I could spend long hours looking at you and your smile. Do you even realize how amazing you were to me? I never regret you for once, because at one point, you were exactly what I needed. You spent your day and night with me. At some point you showed me your love and your care towards me. You used to call me beautiful. But how could you be so ugly towards me at the end of our relationship. You said you misses me every day. But why you’re the reason for us to be apart. You claim to love me forever, but why do I always feel like you hate me....
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**TRIGGER WARNING**
The following writings will touch on topics such as death, rape, assault, abuse, suicide, self-harm, and eating disorders.
I Was Groomed
I was 12 years old when I received my first dick pic. I had never seen such a thing, I didn’t know what I was looking at. I was alone in my room, on my HP laptop, which was riddled with viruses from downloading different cursors, such as the flying hot dog I was currently using to scroll through explicit messages. Like any 12 year old, I had dreams, I had hopes, and I had special interests. I was always ashamed to say that I loved My Little Pony, especially after what I saw the fanbase become, but I had found a home online, with friends who didn’t judge me, and people I could talk to when things at home were too hard...
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I let it happen.
I ultimately don't understand myself and I think that's why I let a lot of things that happen(ed) in my life happen. I don't understand why I am the way I am. I let myself get walked over. I'd like to blame it on thinking I just have too big of a heart and always search for the good in people but I know that's just an excuse. In reality I just don't stand by the boundaries I set to help myself. I see the problem but I do nothing to fix it or stop it.
I'm trapped in a relationship I know is no good for me and will only hinder my future. ---I fell for an alcoholic who has no dreams or ambitions to do anything differently with his life--- There is literally nothing about this relationship I see pushing me towards the life I want. I see the repeating cycle and I want...
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Our breakup has been incredibly difficult for me. I realize now how much I took you for granted, and that, as much as I bluffed about it, I had never actually pictured a future that didn't have you in it. It was a rude awakening.
June 4th would have been what I was calling "Renewal Day". It was the anniversary of the last time you forgave me and took me back that sunny day on the sandy cliff. I envisioned Renewal Day to be a day of celebrating you and your willingness to not give up and try again, a reminder of the amazing gift your love is, an opportunity to express appreciation for having it still after all we have been through, and a reaffirment of my dedication to you. One of the many mistakes I made was only trying to remind myself of this once a year, and not every beautiful day...
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Until you walk a mile in my shoes…
I speak today on behalf of partnered-caregivers; I use the term “partnered” rather than “spousal” to acknowledge all of the situations where someone is caring for a partner who is the love of their life.
I have been providing care to my partner since they were disabled twenty years ago - just three years into our marriage. I belong to a network of partnered-caregivers, and I can tell you that there are many, many people in my same situation. There are few resources for us to utilize; few support groups for us to turn to; we live in a hidden world.
We learn early on that when someone asks “how are things going?” they don’t want the real answer, so we learn to smile and say “it’s fine” or “we’re good” or “we’re managing.” We learn to bite our...
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