To my ex

Dear ex,

I am currently seeking professional help to process and hopefully overcome all I went through with you.
I have come to the painful realisation that you were in fact abusive. Even now seeing it written down, I struggle to completely accept it. I still make excuses for it, for you. I still try and explain why you did what you did and that it’s not your fault because you have been through things and you need help too.

I tried to tell you before, that what you were doing constitutes as abuse, but you always dismissed it and said I was being dramatic, so I started to believe you. You told me I was being ridiculous and I was 6ft tall, so how could someone who was 5ft be abusing me. It made me feel pathetic and I thought no one would ever believe me or if they did, they wouldn’t see it as a big deal. I was right.

People didn’t take it seriously because you were this lovely, caring, sparkly, sensitive, delicate, beautiful soul, which was part of why I was so in love with you, but with me, you were so different. I saw a different side of you, I saw this darkness that seemed to only appear for me, which made me feel it was my fault, made me feel like I was bad, that I was worthless, because why would this beautiful, lovely woman be so sweet to everyone else but cause me so much pain, so much damage.

I also feel like a hypocrite because I engaged with this toxicity with you back in the day. Due to how you treated me and trauma I went through as a child, I didn’t really understand how wrong it all was. I was only 16 and you were my first proper relationship, my first love and I fell hard and dangerously. I was a little puppy who hung on your every word, who did whatever you wanted without questioning, who you lied to, cheated on and financially took advantage of (yes when you have a proper full-time paying job, and I have a part-time poorly paying job, but you make me pay for absolutely everything, that’s taking advantage of me) and also physically, emotionally and mentally abused me.

When it first started I remember feeling devastated and confused. I thought I’d found someone who really cared for me and wouldn’t hurt me, who I could feel safe with and forget the trauma of my childhood. I worshipped you, which I now know wasn’t healthy, I was so deeply in love with you, I would’ve done anything to make you happy. I gave up college to be with you, so I could be at your beck and call and so we could sneak around behind your Mother’s back more easily. You were my world. We had this intense passion, a weird almost supernatural connection that to this day I’ve never had with anyone else or witnessed anywhere.

I remember the first time you cheated on me when we were teenagers, when you went to the Isle of Wight, it was weird because one night I was sitting at home and I got this awful feeling in my chest, arm and stomach and I burst into tears. A few days later I was informed you had cheated on me and it was the night I burst into tears. When I called you to confront you, you just said “So?” and didn’t care at all, you were so cold and dismissive and told me you didn’t love me. This became a pattern with you whenever you went to the Isle of Wight. Whenever you were there, I became irrelevant. You turned into a different person who didn’t care I existed, but when you were home, you would tell me you’re sorry and you love me so much and that I’m the best thing that’s happened to you and that we are special and have a connection. You always portrayed yourself as the victim, cried and made out you went with guys because you’re trying to be normal for your mum.

Me being a girl was always an issue. You’d been with three other girls before me, but you were my first. I was late in realising my sexuality, I had no idea I was gay until I fell in love with you. We had to hide our relationship from your mum which caused a lot of issues. You used it as an ongoing excuse to blow hot and cold with me and cheat on me. You took me for granted and introduced me to my first heartbreak, my second, third, fourth and so on. I always forgave you. You knew I would. The first time you cheated on me, I ended up the one apologising and begging you to stay, I don’t even know how that happened, but it set a precedent.

I changed and became just like you, insecure, needy and paranoid, and in times of distress I was bitter, hateful and spiteful. Our relationship turned violent and its something I really struggled with. I loved you so, so much but I was filled with so much pain and anger that I allowed myself to be consumed by it all and put hands on you. I hated myself. When things were good, they were so magical and you were so amazing and beautiful and I’d never dream of hurting you, but when you turned into that other thing and became twisted and your face contorted and the hate and disrespect poured out of you, you had no problem attacking me, punching me in the face and doing what you wanted, so I engaged in this behaviour with you and fell into this dark place full of rage that affected my whole life.

I loved you every second of every day since we met, no matter what you put me through. You didn’t even need to make excuses anymore as I started to make them for you myself. Your behaviour was justified because you were bullied at school, you had many insecurities, you were treated badly by exes, you were struggling with your sexuality, your mum would never accept who you are and us, you not having many friends, your best friend being more popular with guys than you and then once the violence started, it was my fault. I was toxic, I made you violent, I made you lie and cheat and treat me like something you’d scraped off the bottom of your shoe.

We continued this toxic relationship for 6 or 7 years, even after you moved away. You’d pick me up and put me down whenever you wanted and didn’t care what affect it had on me or my life. The one time I got the strength to try and end it when you moved to the Isle of Wight, you tried to kill yourself and ended up in hospital. You told me it was my fault. I never tried to leave you again until now. Even when you moved to Spain, you’d still write me love letters and send me pictures in the post and call me at all hours of the night. I was seeing someone by this time, but you didn’t care, I didn’t care and we ended up hurting someone else. You were an issue in every relationship I had. I was not even a factor in your real life, I was just your exciting little secret that you could escape to when needed. I always dropped everything and anyone for you and caused so much heartbreak because I was always honest with every woman I got with, always said I could never fall in love again because you were it, you were my one. I didn’t realise at the time how damaging this was to them. How when they told me they were in love with me, I could never say it back. Id always tell them I cared about them or loved them but I wasn’t in love with them because of you. I thought I was being a good person by being open and honest, but what I should’ve done is not get into a relationship with anyone until I was over you.

The woman I had a relationship with after you, beat the crap out of me because of us. She said she knew every time it was you on the end of the phone because my voice and demeanour would change. Before I got with her, I told her all about our relationship and how we treated each other. I was so broken and so disgusted with myself for ever laying hands on you that I thought I was a monster and couldn’t be with anyone. She wanted to be with me anyway, said she understood it wasn’t who I was and it was what you’d done to me that made me react that way. We got together and I was adamant I would never ever raise my hand to her. I promised I would never put her through what you did to me or what I did to you. I kept my promise. Even when she attacked me in a club for talking to a female friend, and practically tried to rip my tongue out, kicked me clean in the face when I bothered to check she was ok after attacking me, bit my arm and locked onto it like a dog and I had to use all my strength to free it from her teeth, even when she stood on her bed and reigned blow by blow down on my head and face before inviting another woman Into our bed and kicking me out, even when she savagely attacked me one night, and when I’d finally had enough and lashed out at a picture on the wall and cut open my hand, blood was pouring out and she smashed down on it, I kept my promise. I could’ve ended it with one punch, I was physically much bigger and stronger than her, I could’ve walked away and stopped it all but I didn’t. I blamed myself for making her angry. Told myself I deserved it because I loved you and that was hurting her.

I remember when I told you how she had been with me. You cried. You said you could see my little face all sad and alone and you cried. You hated her for what she did to me and failed to see the irony. I never said anything at the time, but when I did manage to eventually say that you did these things to me too, your response was “yeah but you’re mine, we love each other, it’s just us, we’re different”

Every relationship was tainted by you until finally we moved on with our lives. I thought about you all the time, a mixture of love and hate and confusion. Our relationship had changed me forever and I struggled letting people in. Then out of the blue, I fell in love. She was nothing like you. She was secure, confident, trusting and proud to be with me. So proud and she didn’t care who knew or who had a problem with it. It was so strange to me to feel respected and worth something. When I proposed to her, you messaged me to congratulate me. It was weird and confusing to me because it was you. You were the one I always wanted to marry. You were the one I shared a special connection with. You were the one I loved more than anything but I was no longer in love with you. I was in love with someone else and I was happy. You told me a couple of years ago that the reason you contacted me wasn’t really to congratulate me, but to remind me that you were still there. I remember thinking how horrible that was. I didn’t understand why you’d want to mess up my chance of finally being happy. I was in love with someone else, wanted to marry her but you were always there, in the back of my head, in my dreams, you never really went away.

10 years passed and my relationship ended due to my mental health negatively impacting my fiancee. It caused her to cheat and then make up lies about me to deflect from her cheating with man. I was the lowest I’d ever been, I was vulnerable and lost and then along you came.

I innocently met you for a drink not thinking there would be anything in it, but how stupid was I? The spark was there, we were flirting straight away and then when you held my arm to cross the road and I caught you smelling me, I knew we never really stopped being us. The second time we met, we ended up in bed together. I found it all confusing because I was still dealing with my break up but you told me to use you to get over her. I queried this but you said we could have some fun and I could use you to forget about her. Of course it didn’t end up just being fun did it? One day you told me you were in love with me and that you’d never stopped loving me and I was the one. You said none of your relationships could compare to us or make you feel the way I do, they don’t make you tingle or your hairs on end, give you butterflies or satisfy you sexually. You said there was only one other person you had ever really loved, but you only originally got with him because he reminded you of me. You said you had thought he was the love of your life, but when he reached out again you rejected him for me because you realised I was the love of your life.
I loved hearing this but I was also scared. I knew how things could be and knew I’d end up hurt and having to get over you again. So, I kept my walls up. I refused to say I loved you , I refused to be with you, I refused to let you all the way in because I needed to protect myself from you.

I tried to keep things casual but nothing was ever casual with us, was it? You told me you wanted to marry me. Said you wanted us to run off together, get married and start a family. You even said you’d tell your mum. I was so shocked by that. I told you not to yet as I didn’t want to be responsible for ruining your relationship with your mum as you were both so close. I couldn’t take all the pressure of everything and how fast it was moving and I hadn’t even admitted I loved you yet, but my god, I did. I loved you so much, but I was petrified. I didn’t know how to deal with you when you got the way you did. I didn’t know how to deal with me when I got the way I did. You would become so upset or so angry with me because I wouldn’t say I love you or tell you that you were beautiful. It caused so many arguments. We were basically together but without the label. Things became toxic again. You hadn’t changed at all. At all. You were still manipulative and selfish and expected things of me that you weren’t prepared to give.

I confided in you I had a disorder and how hard each day was, as I had to really be aware of my emotions and keep control of them. I told you what triggered me in the hope we could avoid a situation. You did everything I’d expressed upset me. You would push and push and push me , while I begged and begged and begged for you to stop and then when I finally snapped, you told me you couldn’t deal with me and my behaviour. I started lashing out and smashing things up, your things. I would get to the point where it would take over my whole body and my head would feel as if it was going to explode and everything would go blurry and I’d lash out for a second to release it all. I hated breaking your stuff, I always replaced what I could but I know it didn’t make it any better. You never accepted what you were doing to me. I’d opened up to you and it was as if you used it against me to deliberately cause a fight. I cried and told you I needed help to deal with all these emotions that you seem to bring out, that are suffocating me. Everything that I told you was a trigger, was everything that you then did regularly. Over and over again for 3 years.

I couldn’t break free of you. I didn’t want to. I opened up to a couple of friends who were shocked at the things you were doing to me, I think they were more shocked that I was putting up with it. That wasn’t who I was. I was the strong one who looked after every one else. I felt like a mug. I felt so pathetic. You’d lie all the time, disappear, turn your phone off for the night and act like I was over reacting when I said it upsets me. I wanted us to get professional help so we could be together properly, happily, but you weren’t interested.

I ended up getting help and it changed my life. All the anger and hate I had been carrying around my whole life was gone. I felt lighter, calmer, happier, new. Everyone could see the change in me.
I completely changed how I was with you. I became everything you said you’d wanted from me. I told you I Ioved you and wanted to marry you, I would tell you every day you were beautiful. I was thoughtful, caring, affectionate, encouraging, supportive, understanding and always calm. I never raised my voice or dismissed you or your feelings. I tried to encourage you to open up and get help so we could be together properly. You just got worse and worse. You were so quick to anger, sometimes over nothing. Over things that hadn’t actually happened, accusing me of being things that I wasn’t. Telling me I was controlling and possessive and all these things that I had never been, all these things that you were. You were controlling and possessive and would constantly gaslight me and once I started calling you out on it, you then started accusing me of gas lighting you. When I asked you how I was controlling and possessive, the only thing you could come up with was the fact that I didn’t like you taking cocaine. Even though you told me you moved away from the Island partly to get away from it as that’s all you and your friends did and you didn’t want that. So, I tried to help you stay off it, but then you turned it into me being controlling. I had a whole list of how you were controlling and possessive, you had one example of me.

When we had a heart to heart once, you admitted I was none of those things you accused me of and blamed it on your past relationships. I really appreciated you being truthful, but then a few weeks later you were back to the same accusations.

If I ever tried to express my feelings over anything, you shut it down. You would act as if you couldn’t handle anything I had to say and that you were going to have a breakdown. I would try now and then to talk to you about how your behaviour was making me feel, but you refused to let me talk. You said you couldn’t handle any negativity and you were fed up of me making you out to be the bad guy. I told you I wasn’t, I was just stating the things you’d done and how it made me feel. You would get upset and say you’re not the bad guy and I should take responsibility for my actions too. I asked you what I’d done and all you said was I go over everything too much. I explained to you I attempt to resolve things but you refuse to discuss them so I keep trying to bring them up in hope we can talk, but you never would.

I told you that it’s messing me up not being able to express my feelings and you said you can’t take hearing them, so I asked you if you’d prefer me to keep my feelings inside even if it was destroying me. You said yes. I still stayed.

I stayed after you tried to con me out of money to pay a parking ticket you said we got when we were out, it turned out to be one you’d got yourself when working. I stayed when you tried to con me out of money to pay your rent, which I then found out your mum had already paid. You said you wanted to pay her back with my money. Thing is, if you’d have just told me that and asked me, I would’ve given it to you anyway. To this day, you refuse to accept you tried to con me and don’t even care how much it hurt me. I stayed and put up with all the breakdowns you had over nothing, it could be as simple as me not agreeing with something really minor, you’d run off to your best friends for days and leave me wondering what happened. I stayed regardless of the physical attacks, pouring beer all over me when I refused to react after you dragged me around the floor. I stayed after you smashed up your living room, breaking the TV I bought you and attacking me so violently that you ripped off a whole finger nail. When I showed you the nail and begged you to stop, you came and looked me dead in the eye and squeezed my finger as hard as you could. This went on for hours and I just sat quietly and let you continue, I only got up when you picked up my playstation, even then I just said “No” and calmly took it and sat back down. At one point I started to cry and you looked at me coldly and mocked me saying “oh no, are we going to have an episode now”.
I even stayed when I realised you’d been lying to people about what goes on with us.

A friend told me to download software to record phone conversations as she was worried about our situation and how it could escalate. When you refused to get help for your behaviour, I said I’d give the recordings to your best friend who is a counsellor and she could discuss with you what help she thought you might need or that we both needed. You freaked out! You became really nasty and accused me of trying to ruin your friendship. Through all your screaming and shouting I realised you were panicking because you knew exactly how you had been treating me and you didn’t want anyone else to know how you were and I found out that you’d been twisting things to make you the victim and me the bad guy. You’d been manipulating everyone, not just me.

I stayed through everything, the manipulation, the emotional and physical abuse, the gas lighting, the double standards, the constant splitting up with me, the accusations and the contempt you treated me with at times.

This was now my life and I still loved you. I still loved the person you were when you were happy with me, loved up, smiling, beautiful and kind. I’d ride out the bad just waiting for those good days.

I tried so hard with you. I did everything you asked of me, completely changed who I was so that we would work. I became weak and pathetic, allowing you to treat me appallingly. I’ve never had someone talk to me the way you’ve spoken to me. Your behaviour and attitude was absolutely disgusting. I allowed you to violate me in so many ways and just sat there and took it. You’d broken me down so much that I didn’t even argue back anymore, didn’t even raise my voice. For months and months I just took your abuse and responded with “I love you”, but it just seemed to make you worse. All I could do was cry and tell you I loved you and that you didn’t need to be like that, but that also seemed to make you hate me. No matter what I did and how hard I tried, it just got worse.

One evening you actually had a conversation with me and I realised that you didn’t want us to be happy. You were sabotaging everything. Being happy meant wanting to be with me, wanting a relationship, wanting a future and you couldn’t have that. You could never be honest with your mum. Before, you were able to argue that we were toxic and wouldn’t work, but I’d done something you had never expected, I grew on you. I’d completely changed. I'd be
stopped arguing, stopped expressing any kind of negativity and became who you said you wanted. You couldn’t take it. You were happy with me so you had to sabotage it every time. You’d give us two weeks of pure bliss and then BLAM! You’d destroy it all. A stupid argument which you would spiral into something unnecessary and then have a break down and run off and make out it was all my fault.

Then I found the many, many likes you gave to half naked men and women on social media, which you dismissed saying it was nothing and I was making a big deal of it. I would never disrespect you by liking other women’s pics and I know you would’ve taken something like that really badly, but you were making out it was not a big deal when you did it to me. I expressed my hurt over it and you dismissed it. I didn’t once raise my voice or try and push my pain onto you. I just shut up and left it. It ate away at me.

You’d broken me down bit by bit and I didn’t recognise myself anymore. I’d just lost 2 stone and was the happiest I’d been in years over my weight, but was now looking in the mirror disgusted with myself, thinking that at a size medium, I was fat. People started worrying about the amount of weight I was losing. I couldn’t stand the sight of myself anymore. I thought I was ugly and I hated myself. I was scared to open my mouth to express anything due to fear of making you angry or upsetting you and causing you to have a breakdown and run off. I second guessed everything I thought and felt. I became incapable of making simple decisions. I constantly called a friend to check I was valid in feeling a certain way because you always made me feel I was over the top or ridiculous.

I was worried about my mental health as its something I’d previously struggled with and never wanted to go back to that place. I’d also found a lump in my breast and was worried about my physical health. I tried to reach out to you for support, I just wanted a quick conversation with you to ask that you make me go to the doctor as I had a habit of burying my head in the sand. You wouldn’t give me 10 minutes of your time to explain what I was going through. You had a friend visiting for the week and was busy. I begged you for 10 minutes so I could talk to you about my health. You refused. Instead you gave me 3 days of arguing, where you continuously tried to make out I wanted to talk to you about the social media likes, when I clearly stated several times it wasn’t about that. I begged, I cried and eventually I snapped. For the first time in ages, I screamed and shouted at you, I couldn’t take anymore. You then told me you can’t take me when I’m like this, blamed my disorder and hung up. I fell apart.

The third evening was when I came to your house to talk. It started off calmly but then again you started twisting it and lying about what had happened the last 3 days. I tried to tell you that you’re not remembering it correctly but you were adamant you’d been listening to me and had given me 3 days to go on and on and on. I said we’d spent three days with you cutting me off, talking over me, hanging up and arguing but not once had I been able to say what I initially called about. You disputed that, so I asked you, what was it that I called you about? You had no idea. No idea at all. I told you we could listen to the phone recordings and see what happened and then you freaked out and slammed the door in my face. It suddenly hit me that you were never going to change, you deliberately treated me the way you did and you didn’t care.

I banged down your door and started shouting, drawing the attention of your housemates, I knew I was now giving you ammunition to twist it all round to everyone that I was the bad guy, but I didn’t care. I had to confront you over everything. We spent the night with me forcing you to see how you were and playing you recordings of everything. I think you had actually been doing cocaine before I came round as you were behaving strangely.

I broke up with you by the morning. I’d had enough and you didn’t even care. Walking away from you was devastating but I knew I needed to get help, I begged you to get help too. I had finally found the strength to take back a little control but that didn’t last long. I made it clear I didn’t want to lose you, I just wanted us to get help so we could be the good bits of us. I just couldn’t let you go completely. I don’t know why. I felt as if I couldn’t cope in life without you, I didn’t know who I was anymore except yours. I was still so pathetic and needy regarding you.

I was all over the place and really struggling but I stayed away from you because I really wanted us to be ok. I asked if we could arrange the return of my belongings. I said we didn’t need to see each other, you could drop it outside. I asked if you’d give me warning though so I could emotionally prepare myself as it would be upsetting, especially as I work from home and can’t be crying my eyes out on the phone. You said we’d sort it. You then became cold in your messages and I said a few things I’d been feeling for ages and accused you of making me feel suicidal. You went ballistic and blocked me. On everything. Phone, social media, emails, I had no way of contacting you at all. I was devastated. I still stayed away though because I knew it was the best thing to do.

A few weeks later, there was a knock at the door and my stuff was in the garden. Your best friend dropped it off. She was off with me and I became upset and asked what I’d done. She said we were toxic and needed to stay away from each other. I said I wasn’t toxic, you were and that you needed help. She wasn’t interested. I told her that she was a counsellor and how could she just stand by and let you be the way you were cos I know she sees some of it, but I was getting nowhere of course, she’s your best friend. It was then that she told me you’d gone. You’d packed up and moved back to the Island, just like that. I was crushed. She said I’d never see you again. I was a mess for the rest of my day at work.

You’d gone back to the place you’d told me you had to escape. Back to the drugs, back to the drinking, back to putting up with your friend who was an old ex boyfriend. He believes you are soul mates but all you ever did was slag him off and tell me he was an arrogant, selfish, bald arsehole who was whiney and obsessed with you and threatens to kill himself if you try and break away. You said he was also part of the reason you left. You also told me he used to beat you and choked you out of a window before and during a fight kicked you in the ribs while you were on the ground and broke or bruised them (I can’t remember which). I now started to wonder if any of this was actually true. If he was the guy you made him out to be or if you had done to him what you’d done to me and twisted it all. You’d told me every relationship you had was abusive, I now wondered if anything was true.

6 months passed and I was a mess. I’d burst into tears randomly, hid myself away and struggled to function. I missed you. The nice you. I still loved you.
I’d lost my phone and had a temporary new number. I text you after learning you had performed at the IOW Festival. I said you looked happy and in your element and that I was happy for you and realised you never would’ve been happy here if you couldn’t gig. I didn’t expect a response. When your text came through I felt sick and then burst into tears. I was overcome with so many emotions. We started texting again and everything was amazing. We got on. A couple of times you tried to cause something but I handled it so well that you immediately apologised and we moved on. I couldn’t believe it. You said you’d changed and I believed you. Things were magical and we discussed us and our future. We both agreed we couldn’t be together especially as you confessed to me that you’d told your mum about us and made me out to be toxic. I was really upset, but you said you had to so that you could never contact me again. I’ve asked you what you said, but you won’t tell me. I know you’ve made me out to be a monster to divert it from yourself, but like an idiot I accepted it.

We booked a hotel for a few days and you came up secretly to be with me before Xmas. We had the most amazing 3 days that we’d ever had. Not one argument, not one issue, it was perfect. I was so happy. We acknowledged we’d never be together, you said sometimes you think that if your mum wasn’t about then we could be together. I said I wasn’t waiting for your mum to die for you to decide I was now worth it. We decided that we would just be friends with benefits and let each other move on with our lives and just be a happy, fun hook up now and then because we couldn’t be without each other. It looked like we’d finally cracked it, although now I know it was actually a terrible idea. I was the happiest I'd been in years. You asked me to come down and meet you in Portsmouth for the night and I agreed.

The day after you got back to the Island you changed. You stopped messaging as much and pushed me away. I’d let you do it again. Let you break what was left of my heart. We spoke about it and you said you couldn’t keep lying to your mum and it was all too intense. I said it was the least intense we’d ever been and I didn’t understand. You made a lot of excuses before telling me that you didn't ever have any intention of ever being with me. I asked you why you'd bothered coming back into my life and why you'd pushed so hard for me to let down my walls and love you properly if you never wanted to end up with me. You didn't really have an answer.

We continued with a few texts here and there which was painful for me. You treated me like an acquaintance. I felt as if you tricked me into the hotel and thinking we were something just so you could take back the power and end it. You had referred several times to me breaking up with you, and I think you hated that, so did this to be the one who ended it for good. Back in control.

I hardly heard from you but then you sent me a voice note on NYE saying you loved me and that we aren’t ever going to end really and here’s to being secret lovers. Then you were back to being distant again. I was trying to get myself together and you were messing me up all the time. I became fed up and started to see you differently. I still loved you but could see how toxic you were. When you’d text, I was now a bit distant. You then started to message a bit more. As soon as I got sucked back in and started engaging more with you, you pulled away again.
I then caught you out in a lie, saying you were isolating with Covid when you were seen out with a guy getting the boat from the island, while you told me that day specifically you were at the peak of your illness and unable to even text. Not sure why you felt the need to lie. I realised you were never going to change. You didn’t respect me or even like me it seemed. I was done. I blocked you. You didn’t even care. Made no attempt to reach out.

You are actually all the bad things I ever thought you may have been. Only to me though. Everyone else thinks you’re an angel. I thought about exposing you with the recordings and messages but my friends said your friends sound like the kind of people that won’t even care. I was filled with thoughts of revenge and making everyone listen to the recordings of how you treated me, confessions of drug taking and what you really thought of your supposed soulmate friend, but I couldn’t do it.

So here we are. I’m writing this as a sort of therapy and shedding myself of you grip. I can’t even post it to you because your mum might open it. This happened once as teenagers when we’d write love letters to each other. Your mum opened one of mine and you went ballistic at me as if it was my fault the post was late. You made me lie to your mum and pretend it was all one sided and I was obsessed with you. I was so embarrassed, making myself look so pathetic and like a stalker just to make you happy. I hated it.

You were the beginning of it all for me. You made me explore my sexuality and I got to fall in love for the first time. You were the biggest influence on my life, my first gf, my first love, my first heartbreak, my first and only unexplained, insane connection.

I was always going to love you. How could I not love you?

I was too young the first time around to realise that you were actually trying to teach me a very important lesson. You showed me all the ways I wasn’t loving myself.

I loved being with you. I loved the happy times. The beautiful moments we sometimes shared. The electricity between us. The soft, gentle, loving moments. It felt good to hear, “I love you" but I now know it wasn’t real.

You weren’t in love with me. You wanted me. Enjoyed my company. You liked how I made you feel. You loved the sex. You loved that you had someone who you could always rely on, someone who would always be there for you. You loved being loved, but you didn’t love me.

Love isn’t meant to destroy or hurt.

As I saw you for who you are, I also saw how much power I gave you, choosing to give you the love I needed to give myself. I lost myself and became needy, whiney and desperate because I thought I was a bad person and didn’t deserve to be loved due to how you treated me.
Because of you, I’ve become more self aware. I’m facing my deepest weaknesses and flaws and figuring out how to love the fuck out of them. Because of you, I’ve made the decision to never accept toxic behaviour again, never accept anything less than what I know I’m worth. Because of you, I appreciate my kindness and patience and thoughtfulness and am able to work on my flaws positively. I’m finally seeing the lesson you have been teaching me over and over for 24 years. Being with you again and being fucked over by you again has put me on a different path. A path where I am going to be who I was meant to be. A path where I will never accept being made to feel worthless again because I am special and am loved by so many and I have so much love to give. I am unique and give so much of myself to those who need it.

You are still special to me and I really do have love for you and possibly always will. I also pity you as I know you will never really be truly happy because you will never admit or address your behaviour or how you really feel. You showed me how important it was to get my disorder under control so no one could ever use it against me. So no one could ever use it as an excuse for their own poor behaviour. You showed me that I should always trust my instincts about someone and not to ever be swayed by kind words, only kind actions.

You’ve given me hope. You sparked something in me and made me put myself out there and meet so many new people which is something I never would’ve done. You ignited a passion within me that I can’t wait to share and explore with others. I was so closed off to things previously but I now realise that I should be sharing what I have to give and not wasting it on the wrong person.

Thank you babe, for everything. Thank you for not loving me properly and not wanting me. Thank you for fucking me over. Thank you for making me realise my worth. Thank you for helping me open up my life and heart to the beautiful possibilities that lie ahead for me.

Every day is a battle and some days I sit and cry over you. Some days I’m angry with you. Some days I’m empty. Through all of those days though, one thing I always hold on to, is that I’m worth it. I deserve more. You weren’t good enough for me. I can do so much better than you.

To quote an amazing woman

“You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I’ll rise”
- Maya Angelou