an open letter to the one who only broke me more

oh. wait. is that the stench of guilt i'm smelling? must be. but no. no, i didn't go through your phone. i will ever only make that mistake one time. so pay attention to what i'm telling you. and please know this to be very true. understand this to be facts. you ready? for the remainder of my life ... I WILL NEVER AGAIN GO INTO YOUR PHONE! under no circumstances. won't matter. once is enough. enough disappointment. enough heartbreak. once is enough for this fool. you know, i'm usually so damn good about keeping myself busy, but i was having an off night. boredom and too much time to think. my two worst enemies. i knew better. damnit i know better. yet i didn't do better. fuck! i just needed some goddamn reassurance. that's it. reassurance that you were all that you portrayed yourself to be. that it was okay to fully trust you. that it was okay to be okay with you. that it was okay to start building a life with you. that it was okay to stop running. that it was time to let love free me from the constraints of my past. goddamn you! what the fuck!? all bullshit aside, i NEVER expected to find anything. honestly. that was the ONLY reason i even considered breaking my own rule. I ACTUALLY NEVER EXPECTED THAT FROM YOU! how could i be so blind? so foolishly stupid? come on now. it's not like i haven't been here a million times over. same exact location. same exact girl. everything exactly the same. everything except the life. i know where i fucked up this time though. i get it now. took me a minute to gather myself and truly understand why i didn't see it coming. me of all people. it's crazie though. really is. believe it or not, i can actually even pinpoint the moment i started to fuck up. yep. it all started the moment i started to believe in you! believing every time you said that you loved me. every time you said i was all that you wanted. every time you spoke. every word. i believed all that shit. i believed you were sincere. i believed that you meant what you said. i believed every one of your bullshit lines. i went looking for the man i thought you were. all i found was a boy. a boy i know nothing about. a boy i don't want to know. a boy i want nothing to do with. i may have been having a rough time. probably was not speaking to you. hell, i may have even said we were over. probably meant it too. especially in that irrational moment. but check this out. if what you wanted was to be out trolling for whores. if a whore was what you wanted. then you should have completely let things end between us. completely left me alone. completely let me go. you should have stopped calling my phone. stopped texting. stopped messaging. you should have never started messaging my roommate to stay in background of my life. but that wasn't the case. was it? nope. you were still blowing up my phone. and the phones of others. still flooding my inboxes. and the inboxes of others. begging me to answer. begging me not to end things. begging me not to give up on you . on us. telling me how much i meant to you. that you were in love with me. that i was it. your person. your one and only. your once in a lifetime. telling me you couldn't live without me. that you wouldn't live without me. that i was your forever. that i was all that you wanted. that no one else could ever take my place. feeding me all the be same bullshit from before. and all the while trolling to get 'fucked and sucked' by random whores. then again. i guess, i should be okay with that? you know beings it is cheaper than having a girlfriend and all. fuck, i do like to save money. seriously though. all jokes aside. that only tells me that none of the words that poured out of your mouth had the slightest bit of truth. it means that you couldn't possibly have meant any of the things you said to me. definitely fucking not! you most certainly do not extensively fight for the woman you're wanting a future with and troll whores at the same damn time. fuckboy's do that. that's what fuckboy's do. and that is what sets them apart from real men. read that again. fuckboy's do that. that's what fuckboy's do. and that is what sets them apart from real men. and again. fuckboy's do that. that's what fuckboy's do. and that is what sets them apart from real men. read that shit until it makes perfect fucking sense. eat it. live it. breathe that shit. let it sink in. and don't stop until every letter is printed on your fucking soul. without gaining the knowledge and fully comprehending the magnitude of what that actually means, you most certainly cannot set yourself as a real man. you may not fully be a fuckboy. but you're no real man either. by no means do i mean any disrespect by that. but own up to your bullshit. man up. yeah, you said you were wrong. you got that. thank you. thank you also for the sincerity. despite all the dumb shit i am still going to go out on a limb and say that was real. but god, please don't let me be wrong on that one or i have to give up. nonetheless, coming straight out the gate you gave me every excuse you could think of. you even went as low as to attempt to justify it by throwing in my face every one of my discrepancies. all of the things you saw past. that you let go of. that you forgave. then proceeded to make me aware of all the things that you've heard about me but automatically dismissed. like, damn. first of all, that intensifies the look of guilt. makes one wonder what i haven't found out about. YET! because you know as well as i do that if there's something to be known the lord will reveal it whenever it's time. everything that happens in the dark comes to light. i kept asking 'why couldn't i have found this out before i decided to fully let you in?'. you know what he said? it wasn't time. can you believe that? well, believe it to be true. it is, you know. true. fuck man! i am a walking testimony of the struggle and the pain one can endure in life. the life i've been dealt has been literally hell on earth. i still have smoke rising from my clothes. literally! i have been through far more just these past five years than most see in an entire lifetime. no one person should have to go through even a fraction of what i have. but i've learned something along the way that helped[s] me persevere. it is every bit each one of those struggles. it is every bit of all of the pain. every bit of all of it is what gave me my strength. i'd like to think it molded me into a wiser, stronger human. more guarded than the majority? yes. more untrusting and cautious? absolutely. yet for a moment in my life i actually wanted so much more. more than i had ever allowed for myself. i craved something deeper. i was opening up a part of myself that NO ONE had ever explored. not even me. a part that i suppose was being set apart for the man that it was truly meant for. most people stay guarded to keep people out. i, on the other hand, stay guarded to preserve what's left. hidden. locked away. it's very existence unknown by even those closest to me. it is all i have left. it's the very core of me. the only part not affected by the brokenness of the atrocious events of my past. the only part left undamaged. left unbroken. it's the only part left of the innocent little girl who still believed in happiness. still believed in love. still believed in the herself. ..... and no! no, you can't have it! you no longer deserve it!