an open letter to the lost core of my existence

for my part in the hurt y'all feel, babies, i am truly sorry. i am so sorry for the pain i caused. i didn't leave y'all or at least that was never my intention. i only meant to leave y'all father. i only ever meant to be happy. i absolutely loved being a mom. it's the only thing that i miss. i only craved happiness && independence. being under your father's thumb hindered my knowing how to be independent. i never really worked && trying to get on my own feet proved a struggle i hadn't taken into consideration. it was one that only hindered me more. i used drugs only to numb the miserable feelings of being stuck in a marriage i no longer wanted to be in, to a man i was no longer in love with. you two beautiful boys were merely the unfortunate collateral damage of a girl trying to find a way to a life she could be proud to call her own. all i did was ruin everything i saw my life becoming && losing the core of what that life was supposed to hold. my precious babies, i pray every day that one day y'all will have a heart to forgiving me && allowing me to be a part of y'all lives. there's not a moment of my days that I'm not thinking of y'all && missing y'all with every piece of my shattered soul. i used losing y'all as an excuse to stay high. for such a long time i couldn't see reality anymore because the drugs just numbed && distorted everything. don't make the same mistakes i made. sober isn't that great to be honest. fuck feeling shit! but on the other hand I would've been in a better state of mind && i wouldn't have lost the only thing i truly ever loved && lived for! i kept begging god for a man to stand by me through anything && love me unconditionally, the drugs fogged my ability to see that he already had. he sent me two! kameron && jaxon, y'all are the true love of my life!