What next?

Subject: What next?
Date: 23 Sep 2019

My name is Ezra.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Unlike most people, I always pray that I don’t wake up. I pray that someone can stab me so at least it’s not my fault. In this life of mine, I haven’t found a reason to keep holding on, I have tried so hard so hard to hold on. I’m tired of faking that I’m okay because I’m not, I’m not. I hate the alcohol but it makes me forget what I’m feeling for a moment. Everything bad happening to me is my fault, I know that. I have tried so hard to make things work but it’s like I just keep drowning over and over again. I have become stupid desperate and completely unable to grow. I’m bleeding 21 but don’t have my life in check or even a fraction of it. Why am I writing this? I’m writing this to let out my thoughts. I’m 21 and I wish I was dead. My existence isn’t important or even necessary for that matter. I can’t kill myself because I care about my family I already put them through a lot in April with magical benzos and vodka. So I’m essentially one of those people you’d call useless, I don’t know what to do with my life. What is wrong with me? If you read this far, have a good day you don’t need this kind of draining energy.