My whole life I had been searching for someone who would love me and make me complete. Yet every time I found the guy who might be the one, He always ended up leaving. I thought of it as a curse that no matter what I do no guy I fall for will ever stay. And boy I fell for you hard. So naturally I expected you to leave, Which you tried to do just before I begged and begged for one week to change your mind. It had finally dawned on me what I'd been doing wrong and I finally know what had to be done. But it was too late. I'd pushed you away. So even though you agreed to give me a week to change your mind, I couldn't make it passed 2 days. I knew that that week wasn't what you wanted and it killed me to trap you for longer than I already had, so I told you goodbye. I got the answers I needed...
Broken Hearts
Hi there Pigeon
So at the time of writing it has been nearly 4 months to the day since you called me. Now that I have a fair bit of time and distance from everything that happened I can honestly say I miss you every day and still love you as much as ever. However, I don't want to get back together and I don't want to cause you problems. I understand why you broke things off (even if I don't agree). I understand exactly why you acted the way you did when you broke it off and about our conversations shortly after (even if I don't agree). So this letter may seem redundant, but to me it is essential.
Like you, I have struggled my whole life with depression and anxiety. These problems have become worse in the last year, and I am making positive changes to correct them. However, when...
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Dear Keeper,
You are not my mother. You are my keeper. It takes more than giving birth to a child to be a mother. You may not beat me up physically but mentally, I'm broken and I may never be fixed. You see how much I love my father and you can't stand it. You tell me things about him in an attempt to make me change my mind but I always end up loving him more and you less. Lies, that’s all you tell me and after everything you've done to him, he refuses to spread one rumor to me about you. Before the divorce, I saw the way you treated him and I see the way you treat him now and I hate you for it.
You bullied him. You made him feel worthless and you called him foul names in front of his children. You stripped him of his dignity and made him feel small and now that you can no longer...
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Dear Mommy
It's already been a while since you had to leave us. But I remember it as if it wad yesterday. Even though i had the chance to say my goodbyes to you I didn't really take it and I will never forgive myself for it. But I want you to understand why... I was so young and I thought I knew what it meant that you were going to die but I didn't. I didn't know how it would be to never see you again. I didn't even let myself imagine. At the time all I could think about was how mad I was that you got all the attention and how wrong it was that we had to take care of you, it was supposed to be the other way around, after all you were the mum. I will never be able to forgive myself for thinking that way I don't even fully understand it myself... I was so selfish. But Mom I need you to...
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You walked into my life at a time where I was still picking up the pieces of my broken heart. I was hurting, broken and lost. I was convinced that after my 17 year marriage ended that I would never love again. I vowed to protect my heart, and I would never let anyone hurt me and make me feel the was I feeling at that moment. But, there you were, you walked in and quickly swept me off my feet. I felt the butterflies in my stomach the moment we met. I tried so hard to play it cool, to keep my walls up and to not let you in. Slowly but surely you broke those walls down, you made me believe in love and I even began to trust again. Our relationship did not end in some big dramatic fashion or some major events like my marriage, and it certainly did not come as a complete surprise. It was the...
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Dear Baby,
I have so much to share with you. So many things I want to say to you. But the most important is this... I loved you.
That moment when the Doctor's voice started to fade into the distance and my surroundings started to blur - that was the moment I will never have the fortune to forget. It is still as clear as if it was this morning.
The white walls, the bed with a scratch in its side, the blanket with two white stripes stitched onto it, the small mirror which hung above the sink to my right and the silence. Oh, the silence. It screamed so loud in my head and sometimes it still does. I will always remember the words the Dr said and the look she had in her eyes. Sadness and pity. She was slick you know, like this was a well rehearsed act ... Lines she'd said and...
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My amazing one, my babe...how can I put into words that you will understand? How do I explain how much I still hurt? How do I explain this emptiness? Most of all, how do I make you understand just how badly I screwed up, how desperately I want to make it up to you?
We came into this in a whirlwind...it wasn't something we expected but when it happened it was like a perfect storm. We both have such fiery personalities and that is hard to figure out how to deal with, but when there is also that much passion...how can you let it go? The feelings we had for one another were like nothing either of us had ever felt. We made each other feel so alive, and now I feel completely dead inside. When I look in the mirror I don't see anything in the eyes that you loved, you loved so much that you used...
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It's been almost 2 years since you left me. I have lived every month, season and holiday without you. I'm beyond happy with my life now, and I stopped missing you a very long time ago. But I have some things to say, whether you actually read this or not.
Thank you for teaching me to not be so naive. I remember trusting every word you said, stupidly believing that you wouldn’t hide things from the girl you were supposed to share everything with. Since being with you I have learned to question everything, and by doing so I uncover more truths. Now, if I trust someone it is because they have truly earned it. I no longer give away my trust freely.
Thank you for teaching me how much I hate secrets. A relationship can’t be built around half truths, and I will never accept them ever again....
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A daughter should never have to fight for a relationship with her father. She should never have to be the one to put the most effort into trying to have a relationship. The father is the PARENT and should act like it. He should want to be apart of his children's lives. Even after the child has grown up and has a child of her own, he should not stop being a Father. Just because his daughter is no longer his little girl, doesn't mean she doesn't need or want him anymore. The fact that your daughter continues to try to have you in her life and begs you to text or call at least once a week, should show she still needs and wants you. When she asks you to do these simple things, you do them. NO EXCUSES. This doesn't mean you do these things for a couple days or a week. You KEEP doing them....
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When did you confuse love for sex? When did talking to your sweetheart change? Do you remember when that's what you called me? Do you remember when you would make me feel like I mattered more than anyone else in the world? I'd forgotten what that was like until tonight. Even though it was short lived.
It used to not come to words. We never had to say how we felt it was in a look. In a touch, but that's not what it is anymore. I've guarded myself against it because when I'm not I get hurt. You've turned into someone I don't know anymore. I guess I have too. I can't sit here and pretend that I wasn't hoping we would be ok in the end. Those are just silly thoughts and hopes of someone that still cared.
I Can't care anymore. I can't sit here and pretend I'm ok with who you are now and...
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