Dear Baby,
I have so much to share with you. So many things I want to say to you. But the most important is this... I loved you.
That moment when the Doctor's voice started to fade into the distance and my surroundings started to blur - that was the moment I will never have the fortune to forget. It is still as clear as if it was this morning.
The white walls, the bed with a scratch in its side, the blanket with two white stripes stitched onto it, the small mirror which hung above the sink to my right and the silence. Oh, the silence. It screamed so loud in my head and sometimes it still does. I will always remember the words the Dr said and the look she had in her eyes. Sadness and pity. She was slick you know, like this was a well rehearsed act ... Lines she'd said and perfected to many women, in this situation, over the years.
''I'm sorry.'' Those two words sent my head spinning and my heart into oblivion.
I know I wasn't aware you were inside of me, dear Baby, but you must know how much I felt ripped apart when I found out. I was the one person in this World who needed to protect you, keep you safe, watch over you and make sure nothing ever harmed you. And I failed. I failed you and for that I will always be sorry.
Truth is, when I saw your tiny alien like body leave mine, I cried and cried and cried. I screamed and I shouted and I sobbed until my heart was empty. I told you that I was sorry and you would always be my first child. My heart was physically tearing and the pain I felt for losing this tiny life that I didn't even know was mine, was like nothing I can put into words. I am ashamed to say, I wanted to hurt myself. And even more so to say I almost did too.
I am so sorry I let you quietly slip away. No fanfare, no fuss, no visitors. I didn't even have the courage to tell the man who put you inside of me in the first place. Truth is, I was scared, alone and in so much pain. Both physically and emotionally.
I've waffled a lot already. I do that. I wonder if you would have been a waffler too!
I just wanted to say I will never forget you. Until the day I leave this World, you will be my Baby. The Baby I never got to hold in my arms, never got to cradle to sleep and never got to see grow. But my Baby, no less. After all, you are the only one who has ever heard my heart beat from the inside.
Thank you, also. Because I believe you came to me for a reason. You came to me at a time when I needed someone in my corner. When I needed reminding that life is fleeting. When I needed to realise that sometimes shit happens but there is always something bigger to think about. Always a reason to dust yourself off and move forward. And for you, I did. I got up from what was the absolute pits, Baby and I went in to fight one more time.
I have since told your Dad about you. I don't know what his exact thoughts are as we've never fully discussed it. But know that I carry enough love in my heart for the both of us.
You are and always will be in my heart, Baby, and I will always think of you.
I guess, I was the one who was supposed to watch over you, but in the end it was you who saved me.
From the bottom of my heart, I love you. Always.
Sleep tight,
Your Mummy x
