My amazing one, my babe...how can I put into words that you will understand? How do I explain how much I still hurt? How do I explain this emptiness? Most of all, how do I make you understand just how badly I screwed up, how desperately I want to make it up to you?
We came into this in a whirlwind...it wasn't something we expected but when it happened it was like a perfect storm. We both have such fiery personalities and that is hard to figure out how to deal with, but when there is also that much passion...how can you let it go? The feelings we had for one another were like nothing either of us had ever felt. We made each other feel so alive, and now I feel completely dead inside. When I look in the mirror I don't see anything in the eyes that you loved, you loved so much that you used to tell me to "take off those damn sunglasses". Those eyes are now flat and lifeless, just as the rest of me is. I'm maintaining ok. I'm taking care of myself, taking my medicine, going to the gym every day, taking care of my daughter and trying to be a good mom to her, but inside and in private the ache is unending. I still cry every day. I'm so tired of it but the pain is still so overwhelming. You say to forget about you and move on with my life...but how do you expect me to do that when YOU were my life? All the plans we had. I know things were tough for you, I know you missed your kids. I just wish that you had listened to me and trusted me when I told you that things would get easier, that they would get better. They really would have. You have such an anxious personality though that you didn't even give it time. You let your negative emotions overwhelm you. Even now I don't know if you realize yet that a lot of what was happening, a lot of our troubles were because you get your mind set on something and it overwhelms you. You were projecting. You were so used to the unhappiness and abuse that you automatically were expecting it from me too, even when it wasn't really there. You are so so so damaged from the life you've lived, but I love all of you anyway and I overlooked a lot. I have never wanted anything more than for you to realize what a wonderful man you are. You have been so abused and neglected that you just can't accept that there's anything good in you, but there is. Why do you think I never let a day go by without telling you just how important, handsome, amazing, and loved you are? Everything I said to you I meant. All of it.
I know that I have so many flaws. I know I can be cranky and irrational and act a little crazy sometimes, but I never even had the chance to do better, to be better. And I never got credit for the good. That's something I still can't understand. History or not, why do you think so little of yourself that you think it's normal, that you think it's ok to be with someone who is so abusive? Someone who you know yourself has never really truly loved you like you deserve to be loved. Someone who wishes to have total control over every single aspect of your life. What are you getting from it other than being able to be with your kids? Honestly. What are you getting besides a bunch of crap from someone who has no respect for you as a man? You don't have anything there that you should have. You don't have the love and affection you deserve. You always say that cursing during an argument is disrespectful, but you don't think hitting is? You think it's ok that you are being used? You are used for your paycheck, and for someone to be a whipping boy, to do the chores, get the groceries, do way more of the cooking than you admit to, and most of all you are used simply for her to keep up a false image to everyone.
You threw away the girl who practically worshipped you. The one who did everything she could possible do for you and was willing to do more. And not just that, because it's not just about what you do for someone. You threw away the one person who gave you everything you had always been missing. The love, the affection, the attention, the compliments. I loved doing the little things for you that I mistakenly thought you appreciated and loved about me. The little reminders of how special you are. Getting out of bed with you early in the mornings to see you off to work. Cooking special treats for you when I could. And the things I never asked for in return. Like how i used to massage you almost every day. How I used to lay on the sofa curled up against you. And lets not forget about those other "special" things that we both enjoyed so much, kind of like on our trip to the mountains.
As badly as I screwed up I still don't understand. I have so much love to give, and there is so much love and affection that you had always wanted and was finally getting from me. Why, when I overlooked so many things that you did to me...why couldn't you have even given it the time we needed to adjust to our new life and figure things out? Why did you have to go and destroy the one person who gave you everything they had?
You know, it's never too late. And no matter what you say to me, I will never give up on you. I can't even begin to imagine anyone else in my life. When I said that you would have my heart for all of eternity, when I said that I would love you until eternity ends, I meant it. It's you. It's always been and always will be you and your angry words will never change that.
If I could talk to you without us arguing I would tell you how sorry I am. I would say to come home to me. Let our love overcome the difficulties. Even though you quickly got rid of it, you were the one who said it was "our place". You know, I still can't even drive past there without getting sick to my stomach. It still hurts so much babe. I really am dead on the inside without you. I need you, I want you, I love you without end. Please babe, come home to me. I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you. Just come home.
