Family

YOU MISSED OUT There was a time when I thought that love ruled all. It was a time when I believed in promises and the people who made them. Words held as much value as action. I had dreams and you were a part of those dreams. I dreamt of a family and a husband who loved me as much as I loved him. I was going to get married, have children and be the best wife and mother I could be. So, when I met you and you promised all of those things, I believed you. We got married. You kicked butt at your career. And I followed you around the world, raising our sweet, smart, head-strong little boy. It’s been almost 10 years since I sat across from my friend, in a German cafe, talking about our failing marriage. That day, I came to the terrifying, yet liberating realization that you...
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It's been three years now. Three years of recovering from a brutal divorce and custody battle. A battle I did not win. A battle I sometimes feel I lost not only for me, but my children. Once a week I gather up my kids and prepare them to leave me for 3 to 4 days. When it first began I always felt like I was dressing them and preparing us for some horrible event we wouldn't come back from. I would almost always cry after they left and I would sit in their rooms and stare at their stuff as if I had lost them forever. Sometimes I still do. When they leave on bad behavior it's even harder. I have guilt that rides in my stomach until they come home. A guilt that makes me question my mothering the entire time they are away from me. Then there is the question. The dreaded question I have grown...
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Father's day always stirs up some unwanted thoughts and feelings. So this year, I wanted to write it all out. So here goes nothing. An open letter to you. 25 years, 5 months, and 2 days ago. My mom welcomed me into this world. Where were you? 25 years, 5 months, and 2 days ago was one of the happiest days of my moms life. Where were you? 25 years, 5 months, and 2 days ago I was being loved and smothered in kisses and hugs by my uncles and grandpa. Where were you? 25 year, 5 months, and 2 days later...and you still aren't here. And never have been. Where are you? You arent my dad, you aren't my father, you aren't my anything. You are you. You are a sperm donor, and nothing more. You being absent made my life better, so thank you for that as contradictory as it my...
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Father's day always stirs up some unwanted thoughts and feelings. So this year, I wanted to write it all out. So here goes nothing. An open letter to you. 25 years, 5 months, and 2 days ago. My mom welcomed me into this world. Where were you? 25 years, 5 months, and 2 days ago was one of the happiest days of my moms life. Where were you? 25 years, 5 months, and 2 days ago I was being loved and smothered in kisses and hugs by my uncles and grandpa. Where were you? 25 year, 5 months, and 2 days later...and you still aren't here. And never have been. Where are you? You arent my dad, you aren't my father, you aren't my anything. You are you. You are a sperm donor, and nothing more. You being absent made my life better, so thank you for that as contradictory as it my...
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Hello, the entire Asian parents who treat me as I am your child. I got good news for you. Good news is I found out that I am not your child. I did not come out through your vagina. There is no worries or concern for you for me getting more piercing and tattoo. It is OKAY. I know you guys can be worry for me and care about my body that my parents gave me, but that is not only thing you guys are worrying. Isn’t it? Just me piercing my ears and bleaching me hair should not influence your child at any point. Unless your kid was jealous of me, still that is not my fault. Please do not stop me from expressing myself through my own way. Please do not judge me for where I’m going for fun with my own money. Thinking karaoke is the place where the bad kids are going is one of the most out...
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Hi. You probably don't know who I am, why would you?
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Dearest Sister, I have so many things I've needed and wanted to say to you since we've parted. For starters, nothing has been the same without you. My heart aches then I see something beautiful, because I wish you were beside me to experience it too. It scares me that I'm making new memories without you, because up to this point in my life you have been a essential part in every beautiful memory I have. I'm slowly healing enough to the point where I want to experience new things, and go new places. But I want to do these things for you, and I hope by some miracle that you will be able to see it too. Emma, please do not think I don't value the memories we have made together, I just wish you were here to make new beautiful memories. I also want to thank you for being the best...
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You probably think that how you treated me was okay, that raising a child in a suffoacting house devoid of real affection was normal. That hiding me when the missionaries came to our house and treating me like a dog around our family was funny. I'm here to tell you it's not, I remember you locking me outside for contradicting your lies, I remember puking up my food for years because I was never "pretty". You were ashamed of me and slowly, I was too. I don't know why you are the way you are but you have left your mark on me, I'm depressed and anxious. I can't eat a full meal without wanting to send it down the pipes. But you know what I'm not? A victim. I'm an Honors student and a varsity track sprinter. I have people that love me, can you say the same...
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Dad. You don't understand. My throat closes up, and I feel like I can't breathe. My heart races, I can't go in there, I'm having another attack, can you please go in instead. "No." You don't care, I know. I'm acting stupid. Sir your daughter is in a bathroom stall forcing herself to throw up, can you come get her from school? Fine. "Are you stupid? You made me miss work for this? Get in the fucking car. " 13 years old , and I ask what I've done wrong to upset you and you reply, "you were born." Screaming and arguing, constant insults and directed anger. Chokehold me against the wall some more. Please? You might as well. I go to school with bruises on my forearm and wrists from where you previously had grip so tight that I had to kick and squirm just to get away, "what's wrong"...
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Sorry I can't write perfectly. Dear Family, I have been longing to tell you a lot of things about my current state right now. I know that you're not happy to see me this way and felt like you've done everything for me. I'd like to let you know that I appreciate everything you did and that I am also disappointed with my life. I've been longing to tell you that I've tried to keep a job, but failure is inevitable for me. I hate it when I fail and I love to tell you my small stories of success. Sometimes I get a reaction from you when you hear it. I often don't. I've been longing to tell you about the lies that I've made up to cover this extreme feelings of sadness and abandonment. I'm sorry if I'm too quiet and I sleep a lot. I just don't know this state I'm in and how to...
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