Father's day always stirs up some unwanted thoughts and feelings. So this year, I wanted to write it all out. So here goes nothing.
An open letter to you.
25 years, 5 months, and 2 days ago. My mom welcomed me into this world. Where were you?
25 years, 5 months, and 2 days ago was one of the happiest days of my moms life. Where were you?
25 years, 5 months, and 2 days ago I was being loved and smothered in kisses and hugs by my uncles and grandpa. Where were you?
25 year, 5 months, and 2 days later...and you still aren't here. And never have been. Where are you?
You arent my dad, you aren't my father, you aren't my anything. You are you. You are a sperm donor, and nothing more.
You being absent made my life better, so thank you for that as contradictory as it my...
Family
Hello, the entire Asian parents who treat me as I am your child. I got good news for you. Good news is I found out that I am not your child. I did not come out through your vagina. There is no worries or concern for you for me getting more piercing and tattoo. It is OKAY. I know you guys can be worry for me and care about my body that my parents gave me, but that is not only thing you guys are worrying. Isn’t it? Just me piercing my ears and bleaching me hair should not influence your child at any point. Unless your kid was jealous of me, still that is not my fault.
Please do not stop me from expressing myself through my own way.
Please do not judge me for where I’m going for fun with my own money.
Thinking karaoke is the place where the bad kids are going is one of the most out...
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Dearest Sister,
I have so many things I've needed and wanted to say to you since we've parted.
For starters, nothing has been the same without you. My heart aches then I see something beautiful, because I wish you were beside me to experience it too. It scares me that I'm making new memories without you, because up to this point in my life you have been a essential part in every beautiful memory I have. I'm slowly healing enough to the point where I want to experience new things, and go new places. But I want to do these things for you, and I hope by some miracle that you will be able to see it too. Emma, please do not think I don't value the memories we have made together, I just wish you were here to make new beautiful memories.
I also want to thank you for being the best...
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You probably think that how you treated me was okay, that raising a child in a suffoacting house devoid of real affection was normal. That hiding me when the missionaries came to our house and treating me like a dog around our family was funny. I'm here to tell you it's not, I remember you locking me outside for contradicting your lies, I remember puking up my food for years because I was never "pretty". You were ashamed of me and slowly, I was too. I don't know why you are the way you are but you have left your mark on me, I'm depressed and anxious. I can't eat a full meal without wanting to send it down the pipes. But you know what I'm not? A victim. I'm an Honors student and a varsity track sprinter. I have people that love me, can you say the same...
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Dad.
You don't understand. My throat closes up, and I feel like I can't breathe. My heart races, I can't go in there, I'm having another attack, can you please go in instead. "No." You don't care, I know. I'm acting stupid.
Sir your daughter is in a bathroom stall forcing herself to throw up, can you come get her from school? Fine. "Are you stupid? You made me miss work for this? Get in the fucking car. "
13 years old , and I ask what I've done wrong to upset you and you reply, "you were born."
Screaming and arguing, constant insults and directed anger. Chokehold me against the wall some more. Please? You might as well.
I go to school with bruises on my forearm and wrists from where you previously had grip so tight that I had to kick and squirm just to get away, "what's wrong"...
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Sorry I can't write perfectly.
Dear Family,
I have been longing to tell you a lot of things about my current state right now. I know that you're not happy to see me this way and felt like you've done everything for me.
I'd like to let you know that I appreciate everything you did and that I am also disappointed with my life.
I've been longing to tell you that I've tried to keep a job, but failure is inevitable for me. I hate it when I fail and I love to tell you my small stories of success. Sometimes I get a reaction from you when you hear it. I often don't.
I've been longing to tell you about the lies that I've made up to cover this extreme feelings of sadness and abandonment. I'm sorry if I'm too quiet and I sleep a lot. I just don't know this state I'm in and how to...
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There is this person standing far away from you. A person to whom your happiness matters the most. Someone who gives you everything you need in life and much more than that. You can never thank him enough.
Yes Papa, You, I wanted to thank you. I've had a list of things and actions I'd like to thank for. Apparently, word limit and emotions hold me back. Papa, you're so strong. You've always been an inspiration. I can bear anything and everything but I can't see you fall. You are the only selfless person I've ever known in my life. You've worked for around 27 years. I bet you've had your ups and downs. My mind just wonders at one thing about what can break you down?
Papa, I still remember the day I broke down. Everything around seemed useless, I didn't want to continue anything at all,...
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Firstly I want to thank you for raising my amazing fiancé! Thank you for raising him to have manners, emotions, courage, and to treat people with the respect you'd want. Thank you for raising the man of my dreams.
With that being said I think it's time I address the bond you and he have. I truly admire the close connection you and he have. He is your baby, and your only son. But he is not a child tho you treat him as such. He is a grown man who needs to make his own live choices and shouldn't have to worry about how his actions and choices will make you feel. His world is growing and should include more than just you. I understand that sounds harsh but it's coming from a fiancé who is sick of her relationship revolving around you. Do you realize he puts you above anything and anyone...
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As I sit in the wake of another failed relationship, I cannot help but reflect on how your choices affected my development. I trust no one, expect to be let down, and have little to no self esteem.
I see you... for who you are. Your actions taught me that being myself wasn't enough. I had to prove myself worthy for your time and affection. You were the first man I ever knew, ever loved. Your job was to love me unconditionally, to make me feel like the centre of the universe, to teach me that I was enough, I was worthy, I was special.
You failed. Miserably. You chose yourself, women, booze and weed over giving me consistency, love, security and safety. You taught me to beg for affection, to wait til you had time for me, to accept less than the best.
You made your love conditional: I...
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