This is a letter I thought I would never write but as I get older I am learning that sometimes the most deepest cuts are from the ones we choose to let into our lives, either by birth or circumstance.
So here it goes, dear Dad I am not your personal bank account, I refuse to fund your gambling addiction. Asking me for $10,000 at 2:00 am in the morning, selling grandmas land that she left for me to pay off your gambling debts, lying to me when I needed help to go to the casino instead, taking the mortgage money to the racetrack, constantly reminding me that you could have walked out on us and I was lucky you did not .It’s just not bloody cool.
I have come to realize from some of the things that you said that when I turned 18 I was basically on my own but also responsible for you. I tried my best but now I am just fed up with it. I can’t deal with people telling me that they see you all the time in the casino walking home at 3:00 am in the morning when you lost the car to the casino. You ruined your business, your marriage and yourself and now I am supposed to pick up the tab. You have diabetes yet you continually don’t take care of your health.
I hate it that when I was younger you put strangers ahead of me because they played to your ego and they made you felt good. I tried to tell you that these people only wanted to know you because you have money and they will use you.
You never listened. I tried to help with the business, you never listened.
I hate it that you had a girlfriend when you were married to mom, I hate it that you always wanted us to be dependent on you because you were the big shot. I did not like it when you mocked people for some of their circumstances. I hate the hypocrisy that you have. Everyone thinks your great because they got something from you for free when you had money.
You always said you love us but when it came down to it I don’t think you loved yourself and we were the fallout from that. As a kid I trusted you, and that trust was given freely. You were my dad. With a dad there I always thought there were no ulterior motives, but I was wrong. I was just a tree that you were watering to get fruit out of, no love given to it except for the purpose of getting something from it. You remind me of Locke’s father in Lost.
And I hate it that every time I listen to Redlight King –Old Man I think I wish I had a father you actually cared for his kids and not the track.
What’s more my sister hates me because I refuse to pander to you. You have created in her such a feeling of guilt, low self esteem and low self confidence that her life is screwed up.
She hates me so much she has spit in my face, speaks ill of me with all the relatives, thrown shoes and knives at me, goes crazy cursing me in the street when she is in the mood for an argument. The only reason I don’t answer back is because of mom. I shut up and take it.No one of my friends know of the trash can of a family life that I have. She lives with mom and always is trying to get mom to do stuff for you even though your divorced and argues with mom about it. If I was mom I would kick her out. And this has made mom closed off as well, the constant bickering. . If I had the money I would go and rent a place for mom and I to live.
She is hooked up with a guy for 8 years and unmarried; she has three other guys on the pull. Her main guy she will sacrifice for him and he treats her like rubbish, only wanting to marry her if she has the family house and he can move in. So you have taught her that the only way to get love is to buy it. And she is stuck in that mindset from now till forever.
I am not going to be dragged into your and the siblings downward needy low self esteem contradictory toxic relationship. I am fed up with you both.
I am going to study focus and succeed in my life. I am tired you and that person who is called a sibling. Don’t expect me to help or care if you live or die, as far as I am concerned how you both have treated me does not warrant your love or care.
I am not going to be like Sandor Clegane. Your wounds cut the most and now I am not loving you anymore.