You ruined my life. I think about it every day, but I’m sure you never do. I lose sleep. I’ve lost my sense of self.
The relationship you had with my fiancé was built on lies. That is the only thing that brings me comfort. You didn’t know the real man. He didn’t join a gym. He can’t afford a $1,000 guitar. HE has diagnosed bipolar disorder, not me. He didn’t pay a dime for MY new house. He was supposed to handle moving all of our stuff from the new house to the old house because I was overwhelmed at work. I ended up having to go on weekends or after work with my mom’s car to continue moving things over. These are only a few of the things that I can remember he spewed out to you.
He had to turn in his license plate because he had didn’t pay his car insurance. He owes creditors $3,000...
Broken Hearts
Grandma,
Life is not the same without you. You were the glue that held us together and now all that you molded seems to be falling apart. My heart feels broken and no words can describe this ache. I miss you. You have been gone nine months but to me it feels like yesterday.
Is there a time limit for grief? Should I already be ok? I wish you were here to tell me things would get better. To lift my head and tell me to be strong for my kids and that you wouldn’t want to see me this upset. I wish you were here to tell me that you are having a great time up there with granddaddy and that you are so happy to be reunited with him. I know how much you missed him when he left this earth. I miss him too Gran!
I keep trying to remind myself that you are in a better place. That you are with Jesus...
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Dear Man of My Dreams,
The jealousy is real.
The moment I met you, I was smitten. I knew in an instant that I would have feelings for you for years and was not the least bit surprised when we started talking. I was even less surprised when we had actual undeniable chemistry.
Why you? Perhaps it's the way you make me laugh until I can't breathe, or your uniquely colored eyes. But honestly, it's the way you make me feel like I am a twelve year old girl who can't wait to fall in love. Not to mention, that you have more integrity than I ever have, and a work ethic that would put mine to shame. Point blank, I am attracted to you and your personality. The you, you think I haven't noticed or don't know or understand. I don't care about the superficial things that every other girl is...
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Dear
It has been 22 months to the hour since I took my last drink. Unfortunately for you and I, and our relationship, that day came too late. AA outlines a 12-step program for those in recovery, number 8 being making amendments to those we have hurt with our using. I do not follow AA, but will spend the rest of my life atoning for what I have done.
I was an alcoholic before we met, an alcoholic the day you left, and remain alcoholic to this day and everyday until my final breath. I hid my addiction from you for as long as I could do so, especially when we got closer and more serious. But you knew. Somehow you always knew, even though you may not have known at the time. Because of my drinking, I cascaded, and I took you with me, and there was nothing you could do...
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We weren't best friends for long, heck, it wasn't even a year. But you meant so very much to me. And I know we ended things on bad terms. And I wish it hadn't happened that way. Every now and again I go back and look at pictures we took, and videos we recorded and remember the happiness and laughter we shared. I remember us spending almost everyday together. You were my rock. You taught me not to be afraid of who I was and to shoot for my dreams. You taught me to always smile at people who told me I couldn't and to never give up without trying. And for that I am forever grateful. You helped me grow as a person. I see you in the halls at school and remember when I used to walk with you to every class. I see you laughing and smiling with our old friends. The ones you still talk to and...
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The thirteenth of August, the day we met. It was all great and grand, til you started lying. Not just once in a while, all the time. It started off stupid little things, then years go by and they'd get bigger... And bigger!
Eventually, I was, " worthless " or, " disqusting " and I wasn't worthy of loyalty. I never was. That's when you decided I was capable of taking a few to the face, gut, or anywhere else on my body. Leaving countless bruises, or nightmares I can't escape.
All while, I had to be the perfect mom. Everything else was, " my fault " or " I deserved it " not only in your eyes, but my own family! You have no idea how hard it was to look our daughter in the face, and convince myself it WAS okay.
No one should ever do that to their self. But I did. I now have anxiety...
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I lost you today.
There was no argument, no big scene, no hatred spewed.
The bond between us was stretched to its absolute limit, and without a word you gave it a final tug.
I'm left with a long and tattered piece of fabric. It spans a quarter of a century. It has been immersed in tears, laughter, sadness, anger, forgiveness, support, and love.
It withstood great distances and life traumas, always able to bounce back.
But somewhere along the way, the fabric began to change, as did the people on either end.
I willingly admit I have changed. I'm not the person I once was.
I strongly believe the person I once chose to be was drowning in judgment and lacking love for her fellow man.
I have embraced parts of myself I was once ashamed to have, and I have offered no apologies in the...
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We see you looking at other girls. We see how much time you spend doing makeup. We see the look when the supermodel comes on TV. We see the want in your eyes walking by "that girl" in school.
What we don't see is the smile when you look in the mirror and see how beautiful YOU are. What we don't see is you wearing clothes that make YOU happy. What we don't see is the side of you which only comes out at sleepovers with your friends.
Real guys don't need the fancy clothes that cost you all your money. Real guys don't need painted on eyebrows. Real guys don't need to see your boobs and butt.
Real guys want you to be happy in your own skin. Real guys want to see the you only a few get to see. Real guys want to see the face God gave you, not the one society wants you to have.
So if...
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Dear Ex-Best Friend,
It has been almost a full year since you left me. I will admit that when you first left I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t breathe. When I did eventually fall asleep though I would wake up completely panicked. The voice in my head screamed at me over and over that “She IS NEVER COMING BACK. SHE IS NEVER COMING BACK.” I use to obsessed about what happened, playing the story of how we fell apart over and over again in my head. I would think about what I wish I would have done differently to save you from yourself, and the path of self-destruction you chose by choosing him. I hated myself for not being able to save the person that I loved more than anything in this world, a person I felt God had sent me to watch over and protect. Before he ever came into our...
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I know this will be hard for you to hear but this is a story that has to be told.
Your words – they affect me harshly every time. Amma, you told me dark skin, black skin was ugly. You embedded it in my mind from an early age. “You look nice even if you’re black”, “don’t sit in the sun, you’ll get darker” you would say or simply “kari”, would be something you would say when you’re angry with me as though that would suffice to be an acceptable thing to vent out. Amma, even your well meant words will sting because they are fundamentally belittling me when you dismiss someone’s daughter, fiancée or wife about something they did, a family problem probably and you would you would for some reason see them as a disappointment because they are black. Amma, you destroyed my confidence because of...
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