Little things sometimes take on an almost symbolic quality; I've found that even the smallest of objects can hold such intense and detailed memories.
The oxo cubes in the cupboard remind me of all those times when we were slightly hard up for money, and so I'd make us chicken noodle soup out of them; there's one left now, skulking at the back, and as I cleaned the cupboard out earlier, I just stood for an hour, looking at it. Remembering all those times we'd sit down during the winter, bowls on lap on that grotty sofa, huddled up close together and watching The Simpsons on your iPad. Those winter evenings when it didn't matter how horrible our flat was, we'd just turn the lights down and focus on each other. Back when we used to make each other happy.
I know you told me to go and see...
Broken Hearts
My brother, I grew up playing, fighting, teaching, telling on, protecting, hating, loving and much more. With you I have some of the best memories in the world! You ensured I remained immature right into my adult life, and never letting me take anything too seriously. Over the past three years we had really begun to grow a much closer friendship. I learnt just how terrifyingly similar we are as we made plans to do so many adventurous activities together!
I have so many regrets. I didn't teach you to drive, buy you the best presents, I shouted at you and gave out to you for the silliest things. I travelled the world and seen so many places you would love and never took you there to see them. For this I am truly sorry!
I had the absolute pleasure of watching you grow from a tiny baby...
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Dear the person who drives me crazy,
Iv fallen for you. I didn't think I would but I have and its driving me crazy. Its driving me crazy because I don't think you feel the same. It drives me crazy that your the only person who has ever made me feel scared of losing someone. It drives me crazy how my heart actually aches knowing you don't feel the same.
You talk to me as if your talking about me and I fool myself into thinking you are. Then when I realise your not talking about me my heart aches even more. You make me feel as if I'm the only person you talk to the way you do like I'm different but I'm starting to believe I'm not. You make me feel things iv never felt for another person this feels real like those stupid movies with the happy endings when the two end up together but...
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It was fun at first, we were friends. Then feelings started to grow. Neither of us really wanted a relationship but after a while it started to become one. We both had issues from past relationships that left us scared and broken. I pushed those issues aside to pursue a future with you because you arent the one who hurt me. You never put aside your issues from the one who hurt you. Instead you pushed then on me. And time and time again i tried to make you realize im not that guy. I dont want to hurt you. I did everything i could think of to make you happy. I told you i was hurt before so i understand your pain. I gave you honesty and got deceived. I gave you a piece of me i didnt want to give out again. And you kept to yourself. When your ex popped up it was over for us. You wasted...
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I wish I knew how to fix this. I wish I knew what to do and this is one of if not the hardest thing to write for me. I want to just scream from the rooftops that I am broken beyond repair and every worst nightmare I ever thought could possibly ever happen has happened. But I can't. I won't. I am too... something.
I want to be able to not be broken. Since I was a kid I knew something was wrong with me and have always felt like I was damaged goods. And this suspicion has been confirmed in the worst way possible. I know you wouldn't leave me but it doesn't stop my mind from telling me you should. I know you won't but I still think you should. I wouldn't blame you. I mean it's like someone who has a communicable disease that doesn't tell their partner and gets them ill. How wrong is that?...
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A letter of healing.
A letter to the Dad that walked out of my life.
Dear Dad,
As I am seating here watching my kids running around chasing our dog in a failed attempt to give him a bath, laughing, giggling and making memories, I can't help to wonder why?
Why did you choose to walk out of my life? Why did you think that your fellings and your life where more important than mine and the only ones the mattered? Why did you choose to walk away from memories, from laughter and unconditional love?
As I watch my kids run around in laughter, I realize that I could never understand your motive when all I want to do in life is love my kids more than anything.
Today I am a grown woman, some say I'm broken, some say I'm strong, I say I just take it one day at a...
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When I first meet you, I never thought you would end up meaning so much to me, we were best friends, we told each other everything, we spoke about our hopes our dreams, what we wanted to do when we left school, we had a perfect friendship. You had a girlfriend, she was beautiful, one of my closest friends and you had been with her for what felt like forever, I respected your relationship as you respected my “relationship”, you know the one, you were there when it ended you comforted me, you were there for me as a friend, a shoulder to cry on and when I finally got over that everything changed. We started to become closer, we started spending more time together, I started to develop feelings for you, and this is where you should have stepped in, where you should have drawn the line, but...
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Let me rewind things up and explain things from my perspective. I considered you a dear friend. A precious person to me. I went out of my way countless times to make sure you were okay. To try to make you tell me about your problems so I could help you find a solution. To try to cheer you up. To help you in various ways. To give you little gifts out of pure kindness and without even thinking of a payback. Because I thought this was the kind of relationship we had. Being nice to each other without any motive. No matter what. The only thing I wanted was respect.
Yes, I did fall in love with you along the way. I put up with it because i thought it would pass away and it didn't. And when I understood it won't, I did put up with it because you told me "You're my only friend." and I had to be...
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To the boy who didn't care enough,
It's been so long since we talked properly but your face still flashes in front of my eyes sometimes,catching me by surprise every single time. No, this isn't a love letter that I wish you'd read and finally realize that you love me back. Not in the slightest. This is me trying to explain my side of our story to you.
Lets go back about 18 months. I was home for Australia for my summer break and that's when everything changed. In this world of Tinder and Bumble, we met each other in a rather old fashioned way. Yep, that's right. On Facebook, of course. We started chatting and clicked instantly. So much so that within only a few days I recognized that what we had was different from anything I had ever experienced before. But there's always a catch. Ours...
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Dear mom,
You haven't been gone that long, at least not in my head. Every morning I wake up feeling like I've just heard the news all over again for the first time. And quietly I pretend to be okay. Even as my head pounds and my eyes begin to water, I walk around with a smile on my face.
Recently i've learned that I hate drugs more than ever. Whether it's the needle injected hell that stole you from me, or the common cigarette. I'll always feel as if you chose the needle over me, and I don't know if I can forgive you for that, but most of all I'll never forgive myself for not stopping you. They all say it's not my fault, but I don't want to blame you but I want to blame someone. Anyone who glances at me, because without blame I have nothing. No grudges to hold. No one else to be mad...
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