More Open Letters

Dear Elf on the Fucking Shelf,

You’re a book, a doll, a keepsake box. You’re an iPhone...

3,347

Dear Today Show:

During an episode I randomly watched while I was hungover, you invited a...

3,360

Dear Self-Interrupters,

You don’t know who you are, but I do. I’m the one listening,...

2,887

Dear Class of 1994,

I regret to announce my resignation as “Most Likely to Succeed.”...

2,480

Dear Targeted Online Advertisers,

I hesitate to write this, because honestly, much of...

3,114

Dear Arabic Labials,

A few years back, I taught English to speakers of other languages....

3,840

Dear Canonical Authors,

I regret the impersonal nature of this form letter, but time-...

3,812

Dear Mrs. Angrum:

I’d like to take this opportunity to congratulate you for successfully...

8,079

Dear Sir,

Would it be presumptuous to tell you how I really feel? Share my emotions? Lay...

3,200

Dear Son/Future Apple Employee,

3,310

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