Dear Acquaintances,
If you find you are listed below, please reconsider your grasping, clasping inclinations.
Friend of a friend that I’ve met only once
and now encounter at another party
One conversation about the weather and an old movie we both saw doesn’t mean we are on a hugging basis. Or that we know each other. Or that I like you. You know what? I lied to you. I don’t like rainy days. They are depressing. And I hated that movie. Julia Robert’s teeth are too big and she reminds me of a horse. And once a horse bit me. No shit. Right on the shoulder. That sucker just stretched his big head right out of the stall and chomped on down. So big teeth are freaky, and I hate all of Julia Robert’s movies. And what I mean by that story is keep your grubby mitts off of me....
Lifestyle
Dear Ladies,
Please stop ruining this for the rest of us, with your “I don’t need to be told how attractive I am every, single, time I walk down the street” and “I can still eat cheesecake,” kind of twenty-four-year-old outrage. Some of us do need to be told, OK? Some of us are in our thirties now. Customer service representatives call us ma’am. We can’t remember what our natural hair color is anymore. We have no idea what CrossFit actually is or what kind of running shoes are right for just walking the dog around the block. And things are only getting harder for us. There are skinny jeans. And Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup spread. That’s mother fucking peanut butter with mother fucking chocolate. Sitting in a mother-fucking jar ready to just spread on your God-damn toast. Come on! Help a...
2,810
Dear People Who Fawn Over My Wheelchair,
Please don’t think I’m not grateful that you made an effort. I’m not about to be one of those whiners who shits all over people’s kind gestures. However, your approach to conversation is not really working for me so I figured it’d be best to give you some pointers.
First, unless you are one of the hosts of Top Gear, I have absolutely no interest in racing you around the supermarket, street, or garden. Don’t get me wrong, I know this thing with wheels might seem fun (I’m the kind of person who fantasizes daily about single-handedly plowing through zombies with a ride-on lawn-mower in the event of an apocalypse), but really, when I’m in the supermarket, I just want to get some beans.
On a similar note, if you are a drunken stranger, and we...
2,827
Dear Mr. O'Reilly
Greetings from a non- English speaking woman from New Delhi ( I hope you have heard of the city. In case you haven't, it's the capital of a country called India. Geographically India is situated in the South Asian part of the world.).
I have had the misfortune of stumbling upon your interview with Mr. Sudarshan Subedi. He is " Not that guy from Nepal" as you had mentioned. He is the Chairperson for the National Federation of the Disabled Nepal (NFDN), and has been working with Handicap International for more than a decade, promoting disability rights and policies. I would sincerely urge you to please find out about the people you or your programme interviews before you proceed to make fun and ridicule them.
Your attitude of mockery towards people who are unable...
2,661
Dear EU,
You know how much I care about you, but since this seems to be a very one-sided affair, I feel the need to take our relationship to the next level by making it public. We might need some couples therapy.
Our story goes back a few years, when the EU’s recruiting efforts for freelance interpreters, especially for the German and English booth, kicked into full gear. Given the major advertising campaign that included videos, websites, speeches at universities, organized study visits to Brussels and much more, it was safe to assume that you, the EU, desperately needed people to work for you. I immediately fell for you because you seemed very attractive. In hindsight, I feel that all of your efforts were quite misleading.
Back then, there was no reason for any of us to...
3,000
Dear lawyer of Hedman Partners
Your company has sent me a letter stating that I should pay 600 euros for your company, or otherwise what would follow is something that in your letter was referred to as "further measures". Considering the overall tone of the letter and in the fact that it referred to Finnish law and coercive measures by the police, I regard your ultimatum as threatening. As I understood it, I was being demanded monetary compensation for an act I know for certain, I did not do and for which it would be impossible to to prove guilt. What I believe made this demand unlawful in was the fact that I have not committed the offence mentioned.
According to Finnish law, wrongfully forcing someone to dispose of their financial interests is known as blackmail. Threatening to make...
3,927
Dear members of FCI Board,
Dear Mr. President of FCI,
According to the recent circumstances, it is our duty to give some explanations regarding some charges against Bulgarian Republican Federation of Cynology and against me, personally, as President of BRFC. First of all, I would like to explain who are the authors of the letter sent to FCI:
Ivan Dimitrov – ex-vice president of BRFC, ex-chairmen of the judges commission of BRFC. In 2012 he was suspended for one year as judge for misappropriation of the judges fees. He has not refunded the money to BRFC in due time and a court case against him has been started. The documents of the court case contain several claims from Bulgarian judges, forced to give the fees personally to Mr. Dimitrov instead of transferring them to BRFC....
3,249
Dear Popeye Magazine,
I have seen you popping up in stylish boutiques in the English-speaking world and noticed you being copied by more and more magazines around the globe. Not that you were necessarily considering it, but I’d rather you did not start running an English version of your magazine. I’m going to explain why.
Popeye and other fashion and lifestyle magazines, from the goliath publishers Magazine House and Shueisha, tend to use a smattering of English words, for effect, in headings and straplines but are otherwise written in Kanji and Kana. Because of my poor comprehension of Kanji, the pictorial Japanese alphabet, I can flick through a Japanese magazine without engaging with articles and features in any depth. I do this with Popeye and others, like Ginza and Casa...
4,189
Dear Tarja,
It's time to choose whether the story of Nightwish ends here or whether it will still continue an undetermined period of time. We've been working with this creation for 9 years and we are not ready to give up yet. Nightwish is a way of life, something to live for, and we're certain we can't let it go.
Equally certain is the fact that we cannot go on with you and Marcelo any longer. During the last year something sad happened, which I've been going over in my head every single day, morning and night. Your attitude and behavior don't go with Nightwish anymore. There are characteristics I would never have believed to see in my old dear friend.
People who don't talk with each other for a year do not belong in the same band.
We are involved in an industry where the...
4,380
Dear Yoshida-san,
Many of us expected a merry Starlight Celebration inside our new houses for which we waited for so long, maybe with seasonal decorations and the company of our friends to celebrate.
Unfortunately, going by what I'm seeing, the majority us will spend a sad Starlight Celebration out under the falling snow, homeless.
As a veteran MMORPG player since the times of Ultima Online (and quite a few MUDs before that) I'm perfectly aware of the value of countering inflation with large money sinks, and I fully understand the reasoning behind assigning high prices to a feature like housing, but in this case I believe someone went overboard, and not just by a little bit.
I'm sure you and the team have a lot of metrics to look at, and I'm sure you know that there's a lot of...
3,248