Lifestyle

I have become somewhat sanitised in my behaviour in recent years. My self-satisfied, middle-class ways have led me onto believing that my self-worth is rapidly decreasing proportionately to the amount of facial hair I decide to grow. This devaluation of the male role in the society is partially to blame on the amount of feminist movement that spawned to existence due to the availability of social media and the utterly ridiculous female necessity to mock everything male. This outrageous rise in feminist activity is slowly beating the male population of the western world into submission and my embarrasing acceptance of my own scarf-wearing, vegetarian existence is partially to blame. More often than not I see women enjoy themselves in a Charlie Sheenesque fashion trying to emulate male...
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Dear William and Kate. The media have declared that you have “announced” that you are expecting your first child. I understand that Clarence House has “revealed” that you are “delighted with the news”. I am also told that The Queen, The Duke of Edinburgh, The Prince of Wales, The Duchess of Cornwall and Prince Harry and members of both families are also “delighted with the news." Hold on to your royal chairs, you two… because… I just don’t care. It’s not big and it’s not clever to conceive. I’ve done it. Millions around the world have done it. I truly can’t understand why the media give miles of column inches to your news. Less and less people care about Royalty in this country. The Diamond Jubilee was the last gasp, the last Hurrah for an outdated money-sapping scheme that is well past...
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Dear Teachers I will put my cards on the table straight away. I urge you teach children Poker. Not pretend Poker for tokens or matches, but Texas Hold Em Poker with money. Their pocket money. Bear with me on this before you start going into a froth about the evils of getting kids into gambling and on the road to rack and ruin. I am not suggesting gambling on something as trivial as Bingo where there is no skill involved. I am not suggesting that this teaching goes unsupervised. But I am suggesting that the game of Texas Hold Em has a wealth of learning, that will equip children better for the rigours and the traps, financial and otherwise, in the world outside the school, college, Uni or Campus gates. Consider what you need to do in order to be good at Poker. You need to be able to...
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Dear anti-obesity person I am overweight, bordering on the obese. I am happy. I pay for my food, be it convenience food that’s allegedly bad for me, or maybe from restaurants where I am encouraged to get value for money by eating as much as I can for a fixed price. If I want your help, advice or guidance I know where I can get it. But at the moment I don’t want it, and I feel like a second-class citizen when I see posters, adverts, and news item, all going on about how much obesity is costing the country. In days off work, in doctors’ time, in many other areas. But I go into work as much as I can, and if I have too many days off I’ll get fired. I pay for my doctor and health services through an insurance plan. I look after my kids and encourage them to be healthy, but also to be...
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Dear High Street Retailers, “Christmas comes but once a year, bringing happiness and good cheer” the saying goes. Well that’s all Santa-Red and rosy, but when the Christmas period extends from September to 12th night on January 6th don’t you feel that that’s too much? The Summer has hardly finished, and the kids have just gone back to school, Halloween, Fireworks Day (November 5th) and Thanksgiving are many many days away, and yet… Christmas trees in store windows? Christmas lights in the streets? Christmas advertisements for food, drink and children’s toys already popping up on the television and on the internet. Come on guys, give it a rest- do you really want to peak too early? I just can’t relate to Christmas in September or October. Can’t you hold your horses (or perhaps your...
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Dear Nathan Landy and Prof. David R. Smith, scientists/electrical engineers at Duke University, N.C. I understand from scientific journals and hacks’ stories in dailies, that you are another step closer to perfecting the "cloak of invisibility," this time using a diamond-shaped device to help take things forward from previous unsuccessful attempts. Who can forget the Cloak of Slight Noticeability? The Now you See Me, Now You Still See Me Suit? And the infamous Stands Out Like a Worn Wig at a Wedding overcoat? I’m told that building on research done in 2006, you have improved how the edges of their "cloak" work, allowing light to pass around an object without reflections so that the human eye can't see it. Light waves are bent around the object, making it appear not to be there. I’m...
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Dear organiser of the Oxford Street Lights. On Saturday I went to Oxford Street to see the Christmas Lights. But on arriving was appalled to see giant illuminated jars of Marmite! I realise that Marmite have sponsored the Xmas lights this year, but what on earth has Marmite got to do with Xmas!
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The Jug and plastic bag system of storing, displaying, selling and dispensing fresh milk was introduced with a flourish a few years back in my local Sainsburys store in London. The special jugs were given away free, and there were demonstrations as to how they worked, and we were told that the milk was cheaper to produce, and that buying bags of milk was good for the environment as it used less un-recyclable material that the harder plastic bottles. I have continued to try to maintain this green approach to buying milk, but I think I have come to the end of the road. This is caused by a combination of Sainsburys showing no real commitment to this form of buying milk, and flaws with the jug itself. Your Sainsburys bags of milk now appear in one tiny section of the dairy aisle. Often have...
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Introduction: You have to have some thick skin to work on the internet. The things people might think but never have the courage to say to your face in person are somehow permitted on the web. As a writer who critiques other people’s work, whether it’s a TV show or a live concert or a book, I am open to feedback and criticism. It comes with the territory. But it’s rare that someone takes the time to send you something like this. It reminded me of the Jennifer Livingston situation recently, and how the news anchor answered the viewer who sent her a “helpful” message about her weight on air. So in response to this email I recieved tonight, here’s an open letter I’ll be sending to [email protected] Dear Jamie (if that is your real name), Props to you for still using Hotmail....
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Dear Bishop Welby Congratulations on your being appointed the new Archbishop of Canterbury. I hope you run the Church of England with wisdom and tolerance. I understand that you favour the ordination of women bishops, are in favour of gay marriages, but also don’t want to ride roughshod over the feelings of the old guard. Tricky! I have an odd request. Can you please consider the position of atheists like me? I guess your first response might be… why? Well, it seems you are a tolerance man, and presumably respect religious convictions of those who are not in the Church of England, where they don’t directly contradict the teachings of the C of E or the laws of the state. Can you do the same for those of us who have thought about believing in something for which there is no or little...
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