I sit here as our precious child sleeps and a million thoughts run through my head about you, about our child. I no longer hate you, but pity you. I’m not sure if, or when, I will ever be able to fully forgive you though for the anger, frustration, sorrow, fear, and distress that you have brought into my life, and to this family. It truly astonishes me sometimes, not that you probably care though. Sometimes I’m not sure whether to despise you, or thank you… maybe both. After all, you did give me the most precious gift I could ever receive; our beautiful baby boy. While you are out running the streets, making your deals, trying to hide from the cops, i'm with our son spending precious moments with him.
Sometimes I wonder how I once saw so much potential in you. Things you obviously...
Family
As I lay here watching our 4 month old sleep, with her hands above her head and her occasional snore, all I can think about is how deeply I pity you.
I pity you for the fact that you're missing out on this. Together, you and I created the absolute most amazing thing on the face of this earth. She is beautiful, and she is already so so smart. Not every day is perfect, and I can guarantee that no day is easy, but she makes absolutely every day worth living.
I pity you for the fact that you don't know how it feels for her eyes to light up as soon as she sees you. Sure, she'll giggle at you when you visit, and yes sometimes you can console her when she's not feeling well but, at the end of her very worst days, even if you tried to be there for her, she's going to want me.
I pity...
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To my extended family,
Words cannot describe you, but I'm going to try. Most of you are very rude and selfish. You can't try to deny it. I know sometimes I can be, too, but most of the time, you all are awful. How could you possibly be that nasty to someone in your family? Oh wait you have. Well before my rant begins I need to start at the beginning.
We use to have a fabulous relationship. We were always includes in everything from event to just dinners. Now we are alone.. This all started with a simple assumptions that someone thoughy they knew what was right to do and what wasnt right to do when it comes to tradition. Literally all these conflicts started because of a thin piece of paper. Then a couple weeks later you hit us with another bomb. These simple things caused a ripple...
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We had a plan. For 8 months we prayed. We checked calenders waiting for the right days. For 8 months, everytime it didn't happen I broke down and you'd tell me it would be okay. Then one day, it happened. there were no tears. A little blue plus sign made our plan come true.
Our life wasnt perfect, but we wanted this baby. Together, we wanted her. When I put the little pink onsie on her that says "made with love", I know its true. I did love you, and deep down still do.
But, something inside both of us changed. For me, it was fear. For the first time in my life I was afraid of everything. I lived in constant fear that one day I would wake up and it was all be gone. You, the baby growing inside of me, everything. I was scared to lose you which is exactly what drove you away.
You...
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You don't know me, we've never met.
Our sons are the same age, if we lived in the same town, they'd likely be classmates, maybe even friends.
I met your ex years after he abandoned you and your unborn son. I can only begin to imagine the hurt you had gone through. What little I know regarding your situation makes me hurt for you, and I feel immense guilt at the awareness that despite slipping so easily into the role of step up daddy to my own two children, he has never done the same for you and yours. We entered his life at a time he was making huge changes, one of which was to do right by you, to do right by your son. By being part of his life.
The guilt... Oh mama, the guilt... I watch my own sweet babes bio dad cause disappointment after disappointment. I see their little hearts...
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I remember loving you being so excited to see you. I was so young and so were they. The night you beat their mom and left was the last time we seen you, talked to you. The two girls were 3 and 5, your son was 8. They barely remember you. I've watched them sruggle with not having a father and it breaks my heart. I've watched them cry and seen the pain thier eyes for 12 years now. One of our friends got married on the fourth, the anniversary of the day you left. We were her bridesmaids, it was beautiful, we had a blast. Your youngest daughter asked me who would give her away at her wedding. And then the time came for her to dance with her father. I looked over to your oldest daughter and she was crying. She asked me who was gonna dance with her at her wedding, because she didnt have a dad....
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I was thirteen. I was thirteen when I found you drunk in your room as you tried to conceal the three beers you had already downed. I was thirteen when you spit hateful words towards me as I questioned your actions. I was thirteen when I ran to my sister and begged for help. I was thirteen when my sister understood what I was not yet able to. I was thirteen when you broke my heart.
Confusing explanations were thrown my way as I buried my tears into my mother's shoulder. The words "alcoholic" and "disease" echoed in my brain until I couldn't cry any more, I couldn't feel anymore. It all came together, and the pretty picture I had painted of my family shattered in my brain, each piece another drunken tale I was coming to understand. You went away, daddy. You went away for two days. When...
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I've been wondering the real feeling of being a parent. What i truly see nowadays that parents all over the world especially the Asians have always been competing their children's success. I think that's so sick. Parents are the one determining their children's future. And that's also sick. You must do that, be that, you must not do that, that's forbidden,i want you to be that because I've always wanted to be that, that's my ambition for such a very long time, you have to get A for that subject, you must not make me embarrassed and the list goes on and on. Why? I don't understand. Is it inheritance? Do our parents inherited those traits from the parents before them? So what's the purpose of living if you keeps on obeying things your parents want you to do? We keeps on obeying, neglecting...
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I've been wondering the real feeling of being a parent. What i truly see nowadays that parents all over the world especially the Asians have always been competing their children's success. I think that's so sick. Parents are the one determining their children's future. And that's also sick. You must do that, be that, you must not do that, that's forbidden,i want you to be that because I've always wanted to be that, that's my ambition for such a very long time, you have to get A for that subject, you must not make me embarrassed and the list goes on and on. Why? I don't understand. Is it inheritance? Do our parents inherited those traits from the parents before them? So what's the purpose of living if you keeps on obeying things your parents want you to do? We keeps on obeying, neglecting...
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