Dear Mum and Dad,
Oh my! If you knew the mess I was in I honestly don't know what your reaction would be. My guess is there would be disappointment in your voice and sadness in your eyes. Your baby girl is not as innocent, honest and lovely as you think... I have made choices which are put simply, evil and immoral.
Two years go I fell head over heels in love. With a man ten years my senior, tall, dark, gorgeous. He paid me attention that nobody had ever given me before... I had always been the ugly one at school. The fat one. Funny as f*** but ugly, nevertheless. Everyone's friend but never a girlfriend.
Anyway, he paid me compliments about the way I looked, my wit, my intelligence... Day after day, I began to realise I was falling in love. I suppose its important to mention here that he was married. Very married in fact, forteen years married. They were having big problems but I cannot help but think that I was perhaps the catalyst in their break up.
Mum, Dad, I embarked on an affair with this man. It was the most exciting, passionate and soul-lifting experience of my whole life. We would meet in secret. Our eyes would hold a thousand secrets from the rest of the world. He made me feel safe, happy, home. I shared with him my deepest secrets and became the keeper of his.
You both know lots about him... hes been to the house and you probably realised we liked each other but nothing more. He left his wife and we became official. How amazing it felt not to be the other woman... but to be his girlfriend!! We still kept it secret from you and of course everyone at work. Tongues would wag and I didn't want you to find out. You'd have been angry. Ive never disappointed you before in my life and I wasnt about to start now.
Months passed and we continued down this forbidden path.
Long story short guys, I gave him my innocence. My virginity. I gave him my protection and a huge chunk of the best years of my life.
He left me of course. Went back to her. Told me I was the only woman he enjoyed sleeping next to and his only really true love but he had to go back... Then he left her for someone else. Guess its true what they say about married men.
Only thing is, I haven't let him go just yet. I slept with him last night. I broke the honest ties of another relationship he is in. Again I became the other woman. Problem is, I feel like Id rather be the other woman than no woman at all. I would rather get his attention some of the time, than never at all. I want to keep intervening in any new relationship he embarks on simply because I am in love with him and I believe its me he should be with. Nobody else.
I did the whole heartbreak thing. Man! It was ridiculously hard. I wanted to crawl into your arms dad many times and just say dad he broke my heart, please fix it. Or say to you mum, tell me it gets better and please just stop my heart from aching like you did when I was little. But I couldn't. So I sobbed into my pillow instead, cried in the shower, even parked up in Tesco and let all those awful feelings come rolling out.
I dont know really what to do, where I am or what happens next. I guess I will never be brave enough to tell you this story but I guess we all have a chapter we dont read out loud and this will be mine.
I want to meet someone new. I desperately do. But I am struggling at the moment. I feel like the only way to fix this heart of mine is to attach it to someone elses perhaps?
Anyway, thank you for the way you raised me. You did a truly fantastic job. You taught me right from wrong, morals and values and of course to always be honest. Please understand this is something I had to keep from you and I will carry it in my heart forever.
I love you both so much and because of that, I will take this to my grave.
Yours always
Maggie.
