Sorry I can't write perfectly.
Dear Family,
I have been longing to tell you a lot of things about my current state right now. I know that you're not happy to see me this way and felt like you've done everything for me.
I'd like to let you know that I appreciate everything you did and that I am also disappointed with my life.
I've been longing to tell you that I've tried to keep a job, but failure is inevitable for me. I hate it when I fail and I love to tell you my small stories of success. Sometimes I get a reaction from you when you hear it. I often don't.
I've been longing to tell you about the lies that I've made up to cover this extreme feelings of sadness and abandonment. I'm sorry if I'm too quiet and I sleep a lot. I just don't know this state I'm in and how to escape this. My dreams made me feel like a completely different person and made me feel fulfilled when I'm sleeping.
I have been longing to tell you about my past and how I loved most of them. Except the times when I'm away from you. Arguing with you and waking up in different houses and with different people who welcomed me and made me feel like I can be part of their family. I appreciate what those people did. I felt safe and welcomed, but I know deep inside that I was not HOME and longing to find my back.
I have been longing to tell you that I also regret allowing others to abuse me and use me. I wanted to tell you about a time that I thought was life changing. I wished I stopped an older person from touching me sexually when I was 6 or 7. I wished I did not went to a meeting with the Chemistry professor who made me perform sexual acts to get a passing mark back in college. I wished I never met my toxic friends who made me feel small and treated me badly.
It was all my fault. I allowed everything to happen to me. Now I felt like a dead body covered up with a disguise that made me look human.
I long to let you know how much I love and appreciate each one of you and how much I hate my life and wanted it to end.
I hate being single and being unattractive and unworthy and having trust issues and crying a lot and talking my self to sleep and waking up just to feel empty again and again. I hate waking up to find that I'm alone inside the house and you've all gone somewhere without me.
I have been longing to tell you a lot of things. But I felt it would be selfish of me to do that.
I have bothered you long enough. I'm sorry. I can't bother you anymore.
I guess I'll be the first one to go. I guess I'll see you again in a perfect world. I guess...
