To whom it may concern,
A few times throughout my life I was asked to express my hardships and the obstacles I’ve been asked to jump over the course of my 17 year old life. I brainstormed things like my big brother leaving me for college, my parents divorce, the loss of my grandfather due to a heart condition, breast cancer taking away my grandmother or even addiction taking over my cousins body. However, one thing seemed to stand out more than others. Now some say I have it lucky, my father is still in the picture, while other children do not have any idea who their father is. I would’t call it luck, far from it actually. My father may make an appearance in the perfect picture I have drawn of my life, however, the garden snake seems to be a more accurate drawing of him than his actually self. Now, in 2019, a snake is referenced as someone who is sincere and very nice, but turns out to be backstabbing. As much as I might think of my dad as a “snake” due to my personal feelings, that is not why I chose the garden snake to symbolize his existence in my life.
I chose a garden snake because a garden snake seems to come and go out of a garden as it benefits them, one will only come when they need to survive. Maybe even when it makes them feel better? You will later in my letter understand why he is the exact same way.
I don’t know whats worse, my father being psychically present but my feeling of absence or having no recollection of a father at all. I am far from one to believe my situation is always worse, it could always be worse. Absence, the dictionary defines this word as the state of being away from a place or person. I beg to differ, absence is more of a feeling, a feeling of loss and emptiness. I often find my self feeling this exact way, lost and empty. When I was a young child, my father and mother split up for a few years which I never seemed to understand why until now. As they started to see each other again with the intentions of improving their marriage, I never understood why it didn’t work out in the first place until now. I kind of believe the only reason why they continued to try was for me, their only child together, I wish they hadn’t.
Any one reading probably has 101 questions on what happened, where he is, etc. I am not even sure. I have no idea where my father resides or where exactly our relationship started to hit the gutter. All I know? It has been taking me way too much effort, without his to pull it out. Some questions I ask myself as I write this are: What happened? When did it all go wrong? Is it my fault? Is it his? These questions run through my head everyday, I guarantee after this is finished, months later, years later, I will never have the true answer to them. I can only try my best.
Back to hardships, as I said this one stood out. Why? Have you ever in your life had someone you love give up on you? Not a boyfriend or girlfriend but family? a friend? Have you ever had someone you love seem to never care or jump in and out of your life when it is convenient to them? I have, a time or two, by many people. My father seems to be the one walking in and out more than anyone. As a father, all I expect is some love and support and as a college student, 8 hours away from home? I can barely get a text every week. Speaking of a week, a week ago today I told him how I felt. I felt hurt, upset, destroyed and left. A week ago today? He ignored me, no response, no cares. It hurts to know my father has no care about me, my life, what is going on. He seems to blame my mother for everything. The one living paycheck to paycheck to make sure I succeed in my goals. I don’t really understand that, but I guess thats his logic. I don’t expect much from people, however, I can’t even recieve a call from the man who decide to bring me into this world. Apparently his intentions were to leave me in this world alone. But in the end, I thank him. I thank him for teaching me how to forgive, how to move on, and how to deal with heartbreak. The man who was suppose to be my first hero turned out to be my first heartbreak.
As I end this letter, I want to say this IS one of my worst hardships to live with, the fact that the man who wanted me to be here 17 years ago, no longer cares about me or what I am even up to. As I end this letter, I say thank you and you are forgiven for what you have done to me dad. However, I put myself at peace. I will no longer be upset over you, I will no longer let you do this to me and have this power over my heart. I give up on you, I give up on our relationship, I will move on. And this will pass.
