My childhood was not really nice. Didn't get beat or anything but the verbal abuse from my father was something that I though was normal. Years later, when I was a single mum with you, I did somethings better but also abused you verbally. Motherhood overwhelmed me.
Now I am almost 70 and after my father died in 88 I still had the feeling that I wanted to tell him what he was responsible for in my life - eating disorder, depression, feeling worthless. As for my mum I couldn't understand why she did not protect me from him. And when I tried to talk to her about it she always avoided the subject. I developed a grudge.
Therapy brought some relief, but basically it was only when I realized that both of my parent, born 1928 and 1929, had their own past with my fathers father being a despot and my mother having been given away from her mother to her day carer when she was three that I realized that both of them were not able to do better that they did with me.
It took me till I was over 50 to get to this understanding and I had a good relationship with my mum after that till she died 2017. For that I was very grateful. I became much more happy and satisfied in my life, no longer putting myself down and knowing who I am.
I also realized that my own shortcomings in being a mum could not be changed and that I am a great grandmother, loving, patient, happy with myself and my husband.
My grudge was gone and life goes on.
You, my first daughter, the one that had to go through all the bad things in our relationship, you still have the grudge you developed against me, which I get to feel every time we see each other and that is not very often (it's been two and a half years now)
You put me down for something relatively trivial but basically you really want to shout your pain out to me over what you had to live through with me.
You're almost 47 now, a child psychologist, you live in a stable relationship, you cannot have kids.
Knowing how much better I felt when I gave up the grudge against my parents I wish for you that you could manage that for yourself and then live a happier life.
My decision to have as little to do with you as possible is a selfish one - it hurts me to see you suffer with your grudge.
When you are ready I will be here for you.
