Father's day always stirs up some unwanted thoughts and feelings. So this year, I wanted to write it all out. So here goes nothing.
An open letter to you.
25 years, 5 months, and 2 days ago. My mom welcomed me into this world. Where were you?
25 years, 5 months, and 2 days ago was one of the happiest days of my moms life. Where were you?
25 years, 5 months, and 2 days ago I was being loved and smothered in kisses and hugs by my uncles and grandpa. Where were you?
25 year, 5 months, and 2 days later...and you still aren't here. And never have been. Where are you?
You arent my dad, you aren't my father, you aren't my anything. You are you. You are a sperm donor, and nothing more.
You being absent made my life better, so thank you for that as contradictory as it my seem. Thanks to you for leaving because you made room for My real dad.
At about 3 months old - my father, my daddy, the man that has love me unconditionally since came into our lives. He is everything and more than you could ever be. He came into my mom and i's life and accepted her and I as a packaged deal. He has been there for everything, My first step, first word, every graduation and report card, two car accidents, the birth of my 2 sons and so much more. Him and my mom pulled me thru the darkest and scariest parts of my life, and even the quicksand I call my depression. (didn't know about that did ya?) and he is still here, and he loves me even more today. Where are you?
The first, 10 years (maybe) of my life, I felt out of place. I didn't understand why I didn't look like my brother or my dad or even my mom. I stuck out like a sore thumb. Then my mom dropped them bomb. And it changed my life forever.
It took a few years for my questions and curiosity turn into hurt and the what ifs. Then it became depression and pain. My heart hurt, and it was like something had always been missing. But I'm over that now because where were you?
My depression was like quicksand, not only did I have emotional pain, a million questions and animosity towards you. But I was an outcast, in school and in my family. Or thats how I felt back then. I was the "black sheep." I didn't know who I was or who i wanted to be.
Even though I was hurt, and knowing that you never wanted me or even tried to be there...I have all those unanswered questions. So, with my mom's help, slight aproval, and lots of apprehension...I sought out the answers of my questions.
At 17, half way thru my junior year in high school, I decided to send you a letter. And thanks to your girlfriend at the time (who didn't know I exsisted) you responded to me months later. We exchanged letters, moved phone calls and AOL, then I got up the courage to meet You face to face. After that, you stuck around for LESS than a year. I saw you a hand full of times...holidays mainly. My birthday being the last time I saw you. It was the most awkward day of my life...you, the man you walked out on my mom and i, were at my parents house with my family and friends. I thought you were ready, I thought you wanted to be in my life. Boy was I wrong. That was the very last time we spoke in person. I graduated high school a few months later, you even got an invite to my graduation party. And your girlfriend came, where were you?
Oh that's right, you live maybe 30 minutes from me and always have. You had the means, the oppurtunity, and knew exactly how to be apart of my life...but you were too selfish for that.
Once you dipped out again, I was done. That's the last time. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.
Flash forward to a few days after I had my first son was born. You decided that the was the day you wanted to claim to be "dad." you reached out thru text message...and referred to yourself as "your dad." do you remember that day? I do, like it was yesterday, and he's almost 6 now. I laugh thinking back to it now as I type this, I bet I made you smaller that than an ant in a crack on the side walk, huh? Remember that piece of advice I gave you? About your last chance as a father? I do. You didn't follow my advice, and no thanks to you, I am unable to be in my brother's life. (he knows nothing about me) But, that's okay. Because someday i will be able to contact him, and I hope that I will be able to do so before he tries to reach out to you. Maybe I can spare Him from going thru the bullshit that I did.
Your absence has made me into the woman I am today. My mom and dad have raised me right, they have shown me what true love is, and I could have never gotten that from you. At one time, the thought of you weighed me down and made feel broken. But, now I'm inspired by it. Because of you walking out, I feel like I'm a better mother, I cannot imagine putting my boys thru what I've gone thru. Because of you walking out, I have a loving dad, a real father/daughter bond, and a lifetime of,memories with him. Because of you walking out, my mom and I have a bond unlike any other. Because of you, I got to see what true love was first hand. And now, I have it for myself. Because of you walking out, I learned that family isn't blood and that you can create your own. And Thats what I've done.
I have struggled, been at the darkest corners of my mind, my heart has been broken, and there have been a lot of tears. And you weren't here for any of it and that's okay. Because my family was. The family that I have created, some blood and some not, the family that has been there thru it all.
Hate is a very strong word and I can't hate someone who helped create me. But, I do dislike you, I have no respect for you, and you are nothing to me, So here's to you, sperm donor. Thank you for being yourself and thinking only of yourself. Because it was the best and only thing you have ever done for me.
Signed,
The daughter you could have known.
