Dear CeLLo 12,
"It's not your fault"....you'll be okay... God is in Control".
It's 2:34 pm. You've just woke up. It's November 2nd, 2007. This day.....this random Friday....You'll never forget. Also, your nickname, CeLLo 12. You won't hear this anymore. Who am I? I'm CeLLo KTBT. I'm the *5th chapter in the book of *you; 9 years into the future. I know you're wondering what the KTBT stands for and why there's a book about you...those answers will come tonight....Tonight...is why I'm writing you this letter. I know what you’re about to read is beyond belief but I'm here to let you know that "It's not your fault". ...you'll be okay... God is in Control".
Tonight at about 10pm, while you're back in Middlesex for family day and O-fest, you're going to get a phone call that Slim has been hit by a car...and CeLLo 12...he won't be able to shake this one off. What I'm saying is this will be the last time he's alive on this earth. He will have gained his wings and flown high into the clouds...I know you do not comprehend what I'm saying. Differently stated: Slim Thug aka Da Fresh Prince of VA aka Fresh 2 Death aka Joshua M. Halstead...you're best friend you've known since elementary...your brother... will no longer be with us anymore. "It's not your fault"...you'll be okay... God is in Control".
You've got to believe me on this one C12. It's the truth. I know you're in shock, ready to break down, and you have a million questions but I need you to focus and listen to me.
Remember Halloween? - Wednesday night, when you decided to change the plans you guys had set in stone a month in advanced? You were supposed to head home, yesterday (Thursday), for the homecoming football game and hit the dance afterwards. Instead, you let the "freshmen" college life get to you. You decided to go to the movies with a girl instead. I know you were just enjoying life. I know you were just meeting new people. No harm. Nothing wrong...but you will forget this. You'll remember when you called Slim and asked him if he minded. You'll remember the tone of his voice as he said he didn't mind but you knew he wanted you guys to stick to the plan. Listen, It's not your fault. You will think it is but it’s not.
After tonight, you’ll hear many stories of everyone saying, "I just saw him, I should've did this, I should've did that". Deep down inside you're going to feel guilty because you know that if you would've stuck to the plan, this wouldn't have happened. You're going to reflect on this for a long time, thinking that it started with you... You're exact thoughts will be: Before anyone had a chance to do "this or that", it was me that changed the plans... on my brother... a few days before...."It's not your fault"....you'll be okay... God is in Control".
I know how you are CeLLo 12. Ambitious. Happy. Full of life. Tonight will rob you of those feelings. Take my advice and don’t let it get the best of you. Now is not the time to get down on yourself. There's soooooooooo much I could say about the person you will become in the future but you won't understand at this time…You're the strongest person I know. You've got heart kid! Tonight, you're going to prove it to yourself! When you get the call tonight, you'll tell your family the news in disbelief. You'll say, "Josh got hit by a car. They said he's still on the ground." You'll say it as if you think he just got a small cut on his hand or something. That second plate of food you will make will have to wait. You'll speed up the county to Town Bridge Road. When you get to Virginia Street that left turn will be blocked and you’ll see all the emergency lights. Keep calm. Don’t try to walk past the officers because they won’t let you past them no matter how many times you tell them that that’s your brother. (He’s already gone) The officers will respond to you that this is an "active crime scene" when you approach them. (He’s already gone) Their response to you won’t register. When Charles says, "Something doesn't sound right", it still won't register in your mind. (He’s already gone) Kendrick and Charles will be with you, but when it comes time, you will have to handle this on your own. "It's not your fault"....you'll be okay... God is in Control".
In an attempt to bypass the officers, you'll head to the back entrance (Warner Road) to Virginia Street Road. There will be one officer blocking the road. Right by Josh's house. You'll meet his Grandpa there at the same time. He'll be frantic so you will need to calm him down. Trust yourself at this time. You have the right words to say. When he gets calm, convince the officer to let one of you into the scene. He will say no at first but you'll find that you have a way with words; keep talking and don’t stop. When the officer becomes willing to let one of you into the scene, you're going to have to make a choice...Let Grandpa go instead of you, even though you will want it to be you. Grandpa will speed into the scene abruptly. Stand back because he’ll kick up the rocks on the road. "It's not your fault"....you'll be okay... God is in Control".
At this point, there won’t be any options left for you. Go back to the Town Bridge Road entrance. (Just wait) You’ll see the big field…don’t make a run for it. It won't work. The officers will catch you if you try to get past them this time. (Just wait) You will throw your phone in frustration but Charles will get it for you. (Just wait) When he brings your phone back, Grandpa will be on the line. (Now go) He'll be waiting for you by the officers at the road entrance. It'll be later that you'll realize that because you put aside your feelings, for Grandpa's feelings, Grandpa returned the favor and got you into the scene. When he meets you at the road entrance to the scene, he will hug you tight. Hug him back tightly because it’ll be the last time you'll see Grandpa as well. At this point in time, you'll know, he's gone...."It's not your fault". ...you'll be okay... God is in Control".
All those emergency lights will light up the sky. You’ll never forget that. A "dark cloud" will begin to shadow you as you walk down the road. It'll be something you can't physically see/something you can't explain...but you will feel it. Don't be afraid of this. You will use it as motivation in the future. When you meet his mom next to the ambulance, she will be out of character. Be patient with her. She's stronger than she knows at this point in time. (Later, you will have to tell his little bro what happened. He won’t be at the scene when you get there. You won't have the words to say until the moment you say them. He's young and won’t comprehend everything. If he didn't know y'all were brothers before, he will know that y'all are brothers now. He'll understand when the time is right... "It's not your fault"....you'll be okay... God is in Control".
This next part is important CeLLo 12. There's going to come a point in time, when that strength I was talking about earlier is going to start to rise up in you. It'll happen right after his Mom says kind of jokingly, "They won't pick his body up off the ground until I leave". She will leave, everyone will leave, and it'll just be you and the paramedics. When they pick his body up off the ground, you'll want to stretch your hands out and say "Bless you my brother." Say it and don't feel awkward for doing that even though the paramedics will be looking at you like you're crazy. You'll be the last one left at the scene when they leave. The moon will be the only thing that will provide light to the road. You'll be hesitant at first but walk over to where your best friend laid and kneel down. You will say a prayer. REMEMBER THIS PRAYER. It'll be a prayer like nothing you've ever spoken before and will come from a place deep within. The words you will say will come to past… Every. Word. God is with you now and he will continue to be with you moving forward. Remember that! Even when it will seem as if he's nowhere in sight. It will not be about what you can do anymore, but what you can do for others. Make a difference…When you're finished praying, you will have realized that you were crying while you were speaking and you didn't even know it. That prayer will change you....I don't want to spoil it for you but at 9 years into the future, you will have accomplished 4 out of the 6 key things you will pray about tonight. It’s okay to cry into that 2XL hoody you’ll be wearing. You won’t wear it again. So let it out; no one will be around... "It's not your fault". ...you'll be okay... God is in Control".
It'll be a long night/morning for you. You won’t get to sleep until around 7am. Middlesex won’t be the same to you after this. It'll become foreign…empty. That will change with time. Truth is you will never have a friend like that. You'll learn that they're limited to once in a life time. Don't worry though, God has your back. He will put two in the place of one. In the spring of your sophomore year of college, you'll cross paths with two guys. Those two guys will bring you out of that depression and "back to life". Their names are Trayo and Baba. Keep an eye out for them. They'll become closer than most of your family. You'll make many new relationships. With that, comes the failure of old relationships. Don't fight that. Understand that you've got a big heart CeLLo 12 and it is pure. Own it and don't be ashamed. Where you're going in life, people need to know that you're real and can relate. "It's not your fault"....you'll be okay... God is in Control".
Before I go CeLLo 12, I just wanted to give you some advice and insight. Josh's memorial service will be on the 10th of next week. You won’t want to go but you need to. There are people there that will need you to uplift them. There are people there that need to hear what you have to say...When this happens, do not get bitter by the fact that you're the one who will provide comfort to those who need it during this time, and they will not be able to provide it back to you. It's not their fault. You're going to learn that God has placed you in the "spot light" for MANY reasons. Accept it. It'll be overwhelming at times but you've known tough all your life. Muscle up! (Literally, you will) The "answers" you need, they cannot help you with. You're "answers" will come from your nieces and nephews. It's 2016 now and you have 13 of them. “Uncle CeLLo”. Continue to be strong, they're watching you! "It's not your fault"....you'll be okay... God is in Control".
After tonight, you won’t attend the next nine Oyster Festivals. You won't even visit his memorial site. People will ask you about it and it'll bother you. Especially in the first three years. Stay patient, there’s thing you will need to do before you can go back. Tonight will be the first chapter & first page in the book of *you. Starting tonight, CeLLo 12 will be no more. CeLLo DeYKnO is up next. Yea, you’ve picked up writing. You’ll find that it’ll help you release how you feel on the inside. When you become C21, stay patient with yourself. You’re young and will make many mistakes. Mar’cello Soloan will teach you about your creative side. He’s a leader and hardworker. Embrace it. Along with the baggy clothes, your cornrows will go too. Lol Trust me, a nice low cut, with the back faded looks good on you engineer. That’s right, I said engineer.
I know this news sucks CeLLo 12 but I'd rather you hear it from me rather than anyone else. Josh is going to call you in an hour. You're going to miss that phone call but don't dwell on it for so long. He'll text you when he gets to O-fest. Remember what y'all talked about last night? Ironically, it will come into play today. You should hurry up and leave soon to beat that tunnel traffic. You know it sucks on the weekends. Don't forget to grab your phone charger too. Everyone will be at the house when you get there. Even Kendrick! <-- (He's supposed to be a surprise) I know you haven't seen him in a while. Oh! When you stop to get gas in Yorktown and see that Dodge Challenger, don't say, "I wish I had one". Say, "I will have one, one day."
Remember CeLLo 12, "It's not your fault"...you'll be okay... God is in Control".
Proverbs 3:5-6
