I understand that you had me at 16 and it probably isn't what you wanted at all. I understand that you looked at it as ruining your life, but did you also have to ruin mine?
I struggle every day with not feeling love, not feeling good enough, and not feeling like I matter. You did this to me.
You made me believe all my life that I wasn't good because I wasn't my sister, "T". You always liked her better. Maybe it's because you planned her, I don't know. You made me believe I was fat when I wasn't, causing me to have multiple eating disorders.
You made me feel like no matter what I did, it was never enough to match up to "T". I got amazing grades and worked my ass off to try to make you happy and while she was barely getting D's, she was still better. You still treat me horribly. You make me feel unwanted anytime I'm with you. That's a big reason I moved out when I did. I have horrible anxiety and depression problems because of what you've done to me. No, you didn't physically beat me. But mentally, you did. Mentally you made me feel worthless. Mentally you tore me down. Mentally you broke me. I don't blame "T" for any of this. Hell no. I love my sister more than anything on this earth. But I do blame you. You were awful to me my whole life. Yes, you made sure I had a roof over my head and food on my plate. But, none of that has anything to do with my feelings. And you don't think anything you've done is wrong. You even joke about it. Your favorite thing to tell me is "suicide is your only option" and then you laugh. You think suicide is a joke? You know how many times I wanted to kill myself growing up? I didn't bc I didn't want to give you that satisfaction of finally getting to me enough. I didn't bc I knew I had more to live for. I didn't bc I knew I could prove you wrong. I cut myself a lot growing up, though. Somehow it helped to cope with the pain you made me feel. I don't feel any love from you. Especially not now. You never speak to me unless it's to bitch me out. It would be better if we didn't speak at all. I will always love you, even if you don't love me too. I grew up for the most part without a dad. Only recently has he really been in my life. But, I can honestly say I feel more love from him than I ever have from you. I remember when he first came back in it, you sent me to his house for the summer because you didn't want to deal with me. I felt so much love that it actually made me uncomfortable. I didn't know what to do, that household environment felt so foreign to me that I didn't know how to comprehend it at the time. I guess in a way you helped me, you taught me how to put up my outer shell. A shell so hard it's almost unbreakable. With that shell, I haven't had very many friends. Only one has succeeded in getting through it and she loves me more than you ever could. Another thing you taught me was that a woman always needs a man, I think that's why every time one came around me, I thought I needed to be with them. With that, bad things came. None of them broke my shell, but they all hurt me. I got raped. I got my heart shattered. I got played. I got used. I thank God every day that "K" came in my life and picked up my pieces and held them tight for so long now. No woman should ever think that she NEEDS a man. I will become a strong, independent woman, despite what you've done to me. I will NEVER do to my child what you have done to me. Nor will I let you do it to them. I do have one thing to thank you for though. Thank you for teaching me that their are so many people that will knock you down in life. I've learned that I can't let it stop me from living my life.
I love you, momma. Even if you don't love me back.
