I am so concerned about you.
As I have grown older I have opened my eyes to a lot of things that I thought were so innocent before. The countless hours of sleeping, the countless hours staying awake, the constant "baths" with all your friends at once.. it all adds up now..
When I was young I literally got away with everything when I was with you, did not want to go to school? Who cares. Failing? Who cares. Not you. You never did. All you cared about was the next time you were going to get fucked up.
I would go days without showering because what kid likes to shower, right? I would wear dirty clothes because nothing of mine was ever washed. I would be dropped off at friends houses for a week at a time so you could go be with your friends.. without some stupid little kid around..
I spent many nights locked in my room. Only coming out to go to the bathroom, because you weren't around. You were out somewhere, you were getting high outside, or you were shooting up something into your arm in the bathroom for all I knew. You didn't involve me in your life. Yet you wondered why DFCS was always so concerned about me.
I spent my entire field day in the office one day defending you after you hit me. I told them you would never do such a thing. I continued to defend you as they showed up at our house weeks later after it happened again.
For some reason I cried when they told me I needed to move out. That was the best thing that could have happened in my life. It was the beginning of my new life. My happy loving life. My non drug addicted life.
I became independent. I learned that I didn't have you by my side. I learned that you were addicted to drugs.
Soon after this I separated myself from you and I was doing so much better! But then, you tried to take credit for the amazing person I was becoming.. that's not okay. Without having other people step up and do things you should have been doing, I would probably be like you.. is that really what we want here? I didn't think so.
I'm so thankful for the people that stepped up around me and made me such a great, smart, hardworking person.
One day you decided to bring someone else into this world. Yet again, you go through the same steps. You stay in your room and act as if you want nothing to do with your own kid.. It is so heartbreaking to see that nothing has changed. You drag another person down a path of distruction. This time with out as many people to jump in to help.
If I have anything to do with it, I refuse to let your kid feel how I felt. I refuse to let his eyes wander at sporting events, wondering if anyone would be there to watch. I refuse to let him cry countless nights because he feels lonely. I refuse to let him fail in school when I can help him succeed. I refuse to let you take him down your path. If you choose this life for you, ruin your life. You will not ruin his.
To my drug addicted family member....
I hope you seek help one day, because no one can do this for you. I hope you see how much in your life has changed since you first started using drugs and also how much it would change if you decided to better yourself and get off of everything you are on. I hope you still have people left here to be by your side when you finally decide that you are ready.
I want you to know I will always love you. But it's time you start to love yourself and stop feeling bad for yourself. It's time to step up.
I wish you the best.
