We had a plan. For 8 months we prayed. We checked calenders waiting for the right days. For 8 months, everytime it didn't happen I broke down and you'd tell me it would be okay. Then one day, it happened. there were no tears. A little blue plus sign made our plan come true.
Our life wasnt perfect, but we wanted this baby. Together, we wanted her. When I put the little pink onsie on her that says "made with love", I know its true. I did love you, and deep down still do.
But, something inside both of us changed. For me, it was fear. For the first time in my life I was afraid of everything. I lived in constant fear that one day I would wake up and it was all be gone. You, the baby growing inside of me, everything. I was scared to lose you which is exactly what drove you away.
You started coming home late, ignoring my calls, and spending whole days not saying a word to me. I knew exactly where you were going. I thought so many times about showing up at her door and begging you to come home to us, but I didnt want to be the crazy, pregnant, fiance that kept track of you 24/7. My worst nightmare was coming true.
One day, all hell broke loose. You were home on time for the first time in weeks. You told me we needed talk, and then told me the news that shattered my entire being.
You admitted to cheating. You said you still loved me, but you loved her too. Honestly I knew without you even saying it that you wanted her more than me. Then at the end of the conversation you threw in, "oh hey she's pregnant too".
I was dead inside. The only thing that kept me from going off the deep end was the child I had prayed for, who I knew deserved better than this. I left you, and I take full responsibility for that. I made the choice to end our relationship.
I chose to exclude you from most of my pregnancy, which I deeply regret. I wish you had been there, so many times I needed you. Twice I almost lost her and more than anything I wanted you to hold me, cry with me, love me again.
Then the time came and I gave birth to a beautiful, healthy little girl, without you by my side. She had your eyes, and my nose. Her hair was the same exact color as yours, with the same red tent in the light. She was perfect. More than anything, I wanted to call you. The whole 12 hours I was in labor I screamed your name. I cried for you. I wanted you. But my inner selfishness wouldnt let me call you.
3 weeks went by. You had to of known she was here by then. You never called, you never texted, you never asked our friends any questions. I was still dying inside. I had the most perfect person in the whole world in my life, and I was dying for you.
I broke down and called you. I begged you to meet her. You finally did, but not without your girlfriend and her kid as tag alongs. You looked at our daughter like she was the most perfect thing in the world. You held her like you'd never let anything bad hurt her.
Turns out, you'll be the one to destroy her. Everytime you get mad, you take it out on me. Your girlfriend did something wrong? Well, obviously thats my fault. So, you ignore me and you ignore our childs needs. You go days, sometimes weeks, without seeing her because of your selfishness. You tell me she's going to resent me for not letting you be there through the pregnancy and when she was born, and then you turn around and refuse to spend any time with her. All at the same time that you're raising a child who isn't even yours.
You know nothing about her. You don't know that the only toy she'll play with is Squirt the turtle from finding Nemo. You dont know the way she pushes herself around using only her feet at tummy time. You have no clue how smart our 4 month old daughter is.
But, you choose to blame that on me. After all, I'm the one who left you. I'm the one who made the situation what it is. I'm sorry to tell you, but it's time to take responsibility.
You cheated on me, I didnt ask for that. I didnt ask you to love someone else more. I've begged you to watch our daughter, and you always have an excuse as to why you cant. Thats on you. Not me.
You say she'll resent me, but I'm here everyday. I will always be there, everytime she needs something. I spent two days in the hospital with her at 5 weeks when you refused to be there. She needed you, and you werent weren't there. But she's going to resent me for choices I made before she was born.
It use to scare me when you'd say those things. I would give in to whatever you wanted because of it, but finally I see the truth. If anything, she'll resent you.
