At 19 almost 20 with you about to be 2 years old, I'm finally learning to let go: of old times and memories, pictures, and toxic love. While starting over isn’t easy and each day is a true struggle, you have no clue how grateful I am that you exists and just how often you keep me breathing. Your smile, laughs, hugs, kisses, and yes even those rotten looks and temper-tantrums you throw. All of it makes each day a little sassier and a whole lot sweeter. Most days I can put on a smile and seem just fine, other days aren’t so easy, I feel as though I’ve hit rock bottom and I’m strangely standing still while the rest of the world seems to still keep spinning. I try being positive and telling myself the Lord will fight for me and I need only to be still, often some things are easier said than done though. Sometimes I feel like it shouldn’t just be the two of us watching Doc McStuffins, Paw Patrol, and Peppa Pig, but the three of us like I’d always thought and been told it would be. That’s what it was for way too short of a time. One of my biggest struggles at times is knowing you won’t remember what it was like to have both parents together and happy like they should be; how blessed, and excited we were to have you and be able to show you the love, home, and world how its “suppose” to look/be. We wanted a strong, loving family base, or so I thought. Something changed, and it seemed so suddenly. While I was heartbroken and still trying to make the pieces fit together the best I could, I knew in the back of my mind things would never be what they once were or what I thought they were. I was completely broken. All the time, effort, love, care, and passion with him and I feel like I was the one that was truly missing out, because looking at the big picture today, I wasn’t getting what I was giving or willing to give, that’s for sure! He was my best friend and I trusted him. Sometimes I still question how he could have done this, his girlfriend, the mother of his child? How could he say and do things that made me feel so worthless and small? How does 9 years of flirting and crushing, and 2 years of a relationship get flushed down the drain? Verbal, emotional, and physical abuse is hard to process; it haunts you. I’ve suffered from anxiety of which I’ve never had, resulting in needing medication. Fear of going home alone or even just simply going to town or the store. Rumor has it; if you fight for love and never fall out then you’ll make it. Well I can honestly say, I tried and I’m sorry I didn’t succeed. I don’t consider it a failure. I believe in my heart that everything happens for a reason and God doesn’t steer us in the wrong direction. I believe me trying to fix the problem myself and trying to make things work was where I truly failed. I feel this path God has lead you and I both down today is going to make me the best mother and you, a more amazing daughter than what you already are. He began his work on us and we will be faithful until he is complete. We’ve had so many tests and trials thrown our way and we haven’t ever surrendered. I want you to know even on my weakest days, I’m always one day closer to my strongest. I want you to always know it’s okay to ask for help and need others when you can’t seem to get things right yourself. Sometimes I feel like no one would notice if I didn’t show up, but if it wasn’t for my great sisters, other family members, friends, and co-workers who quietly admire me for the person I once was and now have become, your passionate, never failing to pray nana and Last, but certainly never least, you for your endless love, and faith in me. I want you to know and never forget that we both are strong, pretty, independent, loving, kind hearted girls and we will always strive to be the best us we can be, while there will always be room for improvement for ourselves, never change who you are for someone else, including your imperfections. You’ll never be able to force anyone to see your worth. I don’t ever want you to feel bad for me because you are what has helped me most. You will soon decipher his character on your own without my influence. You yourself, I want you to know are so worthy and strong even at not quite 2. I want you to know, just as the bible and my tattoo for you says, I will never leave you, I will never forsake you. I promise to always teach you kindness, respect, how to never be selfish, but also never to lose your self-worth, I will teach you gratitude and compassion. I will always remind you that nothing that happened with us was ever your fault and only he can be at fault for not choosing our family and communication with us. You’ll always be half of each of us but never will you be defined by him and neither will I. I love you very very much and can’t wait to see what the future has in store for the both of us.
Love Always,
Momma
