Dear Joey,
I've wanted to do something like this for awhile but I'm glad I waited until now because if I wrote it earlier I probably would've wrote "to my unborn daughter" (because I was so certain you were a girl. Sorry kid). I think the reason I so heavily thought you were a girl was because I assumed that would be easier. I don't know how much I'll reveal to you about your father, but I'm sure by now you know enough. I am terrified of raising you as a single mother. I don't know manly things, and I don't know what it's like to be a boy. I figured if you were a little girl, it would be so much easier because I know everything about being a girl, I've been one my whole life. The whole story of you coming about into my life is full of scary moments, I won't lie. January 19, 2016. I was 5 days late but figured it really had to have just been something else, there wasn't an ounce of me convinced I was pregnant. It was a Tuesday, your father and I had broke up that Saturday. I decided to take a test just to officially ease my mind and know for sure I wasn't pregnant. I was in between schools on my lunch break, bought a test, took it thinking nothing would come of it, and there was a very clear plus sign that showed up in a window I expected to see just a single vertical line in. I picked it up and stared at it, checked the picture probably 50 times confirming I was looking at indeed a positive pregnancy test, and my mind went blank. I'm pregnant? I had to tell my mom. I knew she would be the only person to make the world seem like a real place even for a minute. I told her, she's the only person I cried about it too. I knew I had to tell your father. I knew he would be upset but I never expected what he really ended up doing. I texted him and said we needed to talk, drove to his house, and showed him the test. He wasn't even phased. He acted like nothing was happening and said, "well you're getting an abortion right?" I was so angry with him because he couldn't even act like he cared for even a second. I couldn't understand. 23 weeks later I now know and understand that the reason he acted that way is because he truly didn't care. I went home. Nothing felt real, reality was far, far from my reach and all I wanted was to feel something. I didn't know what to do. Should I just have an abortion? I really never wanted to do that but part of me said that I could never give you everything I wish I could and maybe that was best. Then I considered adoption. Then ultimately, reality started to sink in and I decided to take this on by myself. Well, your grandma (my mom) would always be by me so I would never be alone, and I figured that was enough. I went to my first appointment for you. The midwife told me she was going to try and find your heartbeat, but if she couldn't find it that it wasn't necessarily bad, just sometimes when you're too early on its difficult to find. She set the Doppler down on my belly on my bottom left side of my belly, and there was this thud-thud-thud. A thudding too fast to be my own heart beating, it was the thudding of your little tiny strong beating heart. My eyes widened, you were really there. It still felt so surreal but that confirmed that you were there. Next was my 12 week ultrasound. I saw you on the screen, you look just like your father. Your nose and your mouth, same ones that his first child has. We obviously couldn't tell if you were a boy or girl then, but part of my mind said you just looked like a boy. I still kept convincing myself you were a girl though, just in fear that you really were a boy. Weeks passed by, and it was time for my 20 week ultrasound. I was so ecstatic to find out what you really were, and the whole day the back of my mind said "it's a boy, you know it's a boy" but I still kept my guess at girl. We went into the office, I told the ultrasound tech I didn't want to know right then, I wanted her to write your gender down in an envelope and I would take it home and savanna would either put pink or blue paint on a plate while I closed my eyes and dipped my hands in it, placed it on my belly, and got a picture of me finding out. But, you had other plans. You sure wanted me to know that you were very obviously a boy, when the ultrasound tech was taking pictures of your little legs kicking all over, you moved ever so slightly to make sure everyone could see that you indeed were very obviously a baby boy. I won't lie, I was somewhat disappointed but it was only because I was scared. I was mad at myself for having picked such an immature horrible person for your father who wasn't going to be there for you, and scared that I couldn't be adequate enough as a mother and a father to you to teach you everything you needed to know. Well, it's been 3 weeks since then and its sunk in much, much more. I'm still scared, but the more I think, the more I realize I am meant to be a mother to a little boy. You are the only boy in the world I set out to impress, you are the only boy in this world that will ever mean absolutely everything to me. Not that it probably matters much to you, being a boy and all, but I've had my heart broken a lot. I've had one real, serious relationship where I truly loved as much as I was loved back, and if I have ever met a boy that has characteristics and values I hope I could see in you, my own son, it's him. I'm sure he knows who he is. I've also met many, many boys who hurt me in many different ways along the way as well. I've always fell too hard too fast, given too much to the wrong people, and wondered what I was doing wrong. God sent me the only boy I truly need to love me back, and it's you. I love you so much Joey. I'm so excited to see what you will be like, what kind of things will interest you, what will make your eyes light up like mine do when I think of you. I've had issues with myself my entire life, always wanting something that truly gave me some kind of serious purpose. You are my purpose. You are my reason for breathing, working, waking up in the morning, everything. While I am young, you were sent to me at the exact perfect time. You bring me so much happiness and I could never repay you for everything you do. I promise to never give up trying to be the absolute best mother I can be to you. I promise to try my hardest to be as successful as I can so I can give you everything in the world. I promise to never put anything or anyone above you. I promise to love you until my very last breath even before you take your first. You are my world, Joey.
Love,
Your mom
