For nearly 20 years, I have known that half of my genetic makeup has been made up from you, yet I have never met you or even seen a picture of you to know where I come from. Of course there are obvious traits I know must have come from you because no one else in my family has them-like my brown eyes for example- but I don’t actually know that much. I know I look so similar to mom that is kind of scary sometimes, but I always wonder how much I look like you, if I get some of my traits from you, and if we are anything alike. The one thing I know is that you have given me consistency, you were never there growing up, never sent me a birthday card, never tried to know me, and I never really expected you to randomly show up one day. I have always been pretty okay with it, and thought I would always be, yet I sit her and write you this letter- the one I thought I would never actually write.
Maybe I write it now because I want to know where I come from; maybe I think I deserve that. Maybe it is because Mom and Shawn are now separated now and the man who was like my dad growing up I cannot talk to anymore because he as such a bad substance abuse problem. Maybe it is because Grandma and Grandpa- the two people who raised me until their passing- are gone now. Don’t get me wrong at all, I love mom to death and am so thankful for our relationship, and she is more than enough for me. But that doesn’t get rid of the fact that I want to know you, to know after all this time where part of me comes from. She rarely talks about you, and I am afraid to ask her. I don’t expect you and I to have a relationship after all these years, I know you made your choice, but I think that you owe me this much.
You were young, I get it, and you were not ready to be a father, to have that kind of responsibility on your shoulders. I can’t and have never blamed you for that. It is hard for anyone at that age, and I can only imagine what was running through your head at that time.
I have met your mother- my biological grandmother- before, although we never were close, she seems very kind and sweet. I know Sarah- my biological aunt- and her to beautiful little girls. But I have always been scared to ask anyone about you- maybe it is just because although I want to know-sometimes the truth can be harder to know.
I grew up being raised by my grandma and grandpa, they gave me a great childhood with many opportunities and fun memories, and then I moved in with mom once they passed away. Mom always made sure we were taken care of, made sure she was always there for us. Earlier this year I started college- I am a psychology student- with hopes of getting my PhD and being a psychologist in the future. I have always been a great student, with a strong head on my shoulders. I have overcome a lot the last few years, with grandma and grandpa passing away, moving a couple times, graduating, and getting through my first heartbreak. I am now dating an amazing guy- his name is Max, who I am so thankful to have in my life, and I believe he is the one. My life is put together for the most part. The only thing that is missing is not knowing where part of me comes from. I often think of those moments that are going to come in the future, and they will be different for me then my friends. I won’t have a father to walk me down the aisle, or be there when I have children, and I don’t have a dad to go to that can help me with my car troubles or teach me how to change a tire. Of course I have mom, she will walk me down the aisle and I know she will be overjoyed when I have kids of my own. And I love her more then I will ever be able to explain. And she is enough. But it is still different- it is not normal- and sometimes it sucks being different.
I hope that you went on to do great things with your life- things I know you couldn’t have done with a child at seventeen. All I guess I am asking now is that you just give me one chance to meet you. To know where I come from. To ask the questions I have had for so long. Of course I cannot make you do any of this- but please consider it.
