It's twisted, in the least dramatic sense, I know- being so deeply and somehow, effortlessly spun into a "web" with someone who suffocates you, poisons you, cripples you, derails your value and self-worth- intoxicating you with their violent spews of hatred and repetitive cycles of pseudo tears and drunken apologies. The saddest part is that through the victim's relentless suffering, she continues to love him unconditionally, despite how unlovable he rapidly becomes. What the abuser may or may not realize, however, is that in their unjust means of hurting their victim(s), they are really hurting themselves much more. There is an old quote that reads: "those who need love the most ask for it in the most unloving ways." This explains the charismatic of an abuser to a tee. But the abuser will never admit to himself or especially to others that he may have any underlying issues derived solely from a desperate need for love due to an unfulfilling childhood or past that may be the cause of him lashing out, and furthermore, creating dangerous situations for himself and those around him. Still, the abuser never attempts to alter his pointless, and cruel demeanor. Although, the unhealthy cycle of abuse and psychopathic "need" for power and dominance is constant and never-ending, I'm afraid, in irrationally egocentric and potentially mentally unstable personalities, the victim forgives her abuser over and over again. She will do anything to savor the parasitic relationship because as sickening as it is, the victim becomes addicted, in a sense, to his abusive tics and behaviors. Consequently, as afraid as she truly is of her abuser, the only thing that terrifies her more is losing him. Ironic, isn't it? Because of our delusion of who this person was, or verbally built himself up to be, at least, before unleashing his merciless physical and mental states of abuse, we, as "victims," suffer from a skewed perception of him as a person. His immense level of entitlement and narcism is, in truth, only a mask that he armors in a vigorous attempt to conceal his truest self from the outside world, while underneath, he feels as small and powerless as his victim, although, he doesn't want anyone to notice that. As an abuser, he cannot risk publicly exposing his weak spot. Which is precisely why he is an abuser. How would I know? Simple. Because I have, sadly, experienced the same rational incompetence and mental incapacity of my own abuser. However, I never saw him as one...until I was no longer with him. I let him abuse me so much more than just physically. They say that emotional abuse is worse than physical abuse, because while you can heal broken bones, you cannot ever truly heal a broken mind, soul, or heart. Personally, I applaud whoever said that, because it is, indeed, extremely true. During my 3+ year "relationship," I was subjected to physical harm and the casual cruelties of mental abuse- abuse that only seemed to present itself to me and no one else. Such as, "bad mother," "useless," "worthless," "a waste of time, money, breath, energy, space, and life," "liar," "crazy," "bitch," "stupid," "unworthy of love," "unworthy of you," and most of all, "hated." --all names that I have been so harshly called by him, all names that I have been ruthlessly forced to hear and subjected to believe, all names attached to scarring meanings that I have had to emotinally endure. All derived from and strung together by him - someone who I used to love so. With every single ounce of semblance that I had inside of me. Even more than my entire being could truly fathom. Nothing in this world hurts a good mother more than being called a "bad mother," especially when I have done every single major and minute, possible thing in my small power to be the best mom that I can only hope and pray to be to our sweet child. I love her more than this life. More than this world. More than him. More than me. More than anything. And he knew that. Still, he tried so mercilessly to bring me down to a place as low as him. I never meant to cause him harm or pain. I never meant to break his heart the way he broke mine in more ways than many, so many times before. It's shameful that I let someone hurt me as much as him. It's embarrassing that I let him have that much power over my rare heart. It's terrifying to know that the harsh reality of loving someone can end with your own broken heart and even more broken mind. Which, something to keep in mind- cannot be easily fixed. One thing that I have never done to him is call him names. Names that permanently damage one's heart and soul and mind. I have never been able to hurt someone just because they have hurt me. I have never been him (or his girlfriend before me) and for that, I am forever grateful. I promised myself that I would never let his words and actions bother me. That I would never let him see me cry. Never let him see me suffering. That never worked though. He was my whole world before Chloe girl. But he played on that idea. He took advantage of me, willing to hurt me countless times for a girl who didn't and doesn't care about him. He and I both know that she only wants him when he has someone else. And that has nothing to do with love, but everything to do with infatuation. And now, sadly, I am more than able to say that the two of them deserve each other. She is a bully. And he is no better. For three years, three years of my life...I let him manipulate me, only blindly loving him so hopelessly and desperately in the process. I know that I am far from perfect. But so is he. We did, however create someone who IS perfect. And for her, my precious angel, I am forever thankful and abundantly amazed. I thank him for her. But not for the cruelness of his "love" for me, in between. I hate the way that things have ended and I wish that there was an easier way to do things. But the truth in the morning, is that there simply is not. However, if I could say one thing to him - I would say this: never give up on our little girl, like you did with me. Never stop trying. No matter how life twists and turns and knocks you down, get back up every single time and never stop fighting. Never stop being her dad. Never stop trying to do all that is right by her. And never stop bettering yourself for her sweet sake. She is life-dependant on us. Literally. Though, you have hurt me in more ways than many, in worse ways than worst, and more than anyone has ever hurt me in my life as far as I can remember, I forgive you. And I don't want her growing up wondering where you are. I don't want her to feel a void or any pain and sadness. I will always and forever be there for her. I will always and forever be her "mama." She is my heart and my soul. My whole life. My whole world. My every single thing. Aside from everything, as for you - I only wish you endless happy tears and smiles and laughter, and to never stop fighting to be the father that you can be, if you try, to our sweet girl. Not by hurting those who love(d) you, but by the exact opposite - the will to change, and most importantly - love. Because love is the only catastrophic and peaceful ensemble that there is. Meaning that it is the only thing that can wipe out the bad and restore the good. Love, alone, is all that can and will overcome the bad in this world. And if you don't know how to find love right now, find God, and He will help you find your way back to love and back to your little girl.
--Coming back to my first point, my biggest regret pertaining to all of this is that because of my pure love for him and gentle heart, I stupidly let his abuse go on, not knowing what would happen to me in the process. I made excuses for him over and over again to his family and mine. Walking solely on eggshells, I prayed for him constantly, I did everything that he asked of me and only served to please him. Writing it all out now seems so surreal to me. Because I never thought that I would have the daily and nightly strength to truly leave him once and for all. Or to share it. Because of how unsure of myself he wanted me to believe that I was, I ultimately became that way. I lost myself wholly. I became someone whom I could no longer recognize- timid, scared, confused, lost, fragile, and ashamed. Ashamed that I gave another damaged person enough power to permanently damage my rare heart. I still cannot understand why I stayed with him for so long. But I do know that the undying cycle of abuse is not a pretty one. For the victim or the abuser. It will unravel the worst parts of you and cause serious destruction to even the most secure pieces of your sense of self and inner peace. As for me, I spent three years- three years of my life, blindly letting my abuser utterly destroy me, wreck my heart, weaken my mind, and break my spirit. The only ounce of semblance that kept me going day by day was my sweet girl. Her smiles, her laughs, her "mama's," her pure, innocent, and beautiful heart. She is my warm sun on a cold, rainy day. The most precious, God-perfected, angelic, smart, sweet, beautiful thing to ever grace this undeserving earth. Two imperfect halves of one precious, perfect whole. She is the truest definition of love, itself; and is loved by me more than words. And it is for her, and her alone, that I put everything in this world aside to do all that I know, is right by her. She is my heart and my soul. My whole life. My whole world. My every single thing. Because of her, and her truest Creator- our Lord and Savior- the One who sees me in all of my deepest, darkest, desperation, but still pulls me out of my sadness and then pulls my heart strings, the One who still answers my most desperate and heart-wrenching prayers, the One who still loves me even when it seems like no one does, and the One who never lets me truly lose myself. Because no mater where I am, he is, too. Because of Him, I am strong and even more brave when it comes to my sweet child. She is my reason for living, my reason for fighting, my hope, my smile, my laugh, my strength, my peace, my heart. She is my precious Chloe girl. For her, I will never let these measly moments destroy me. I will never let them tear me down- the way one boy whom I used to love with every single hidden corner of my fragile, untouched heart and soul, tried to do. I will never let them make me a victim. No matter how much hatred he may or may not carry inside of his heart, I pray that he may find the true happiness that he longs for, so that he may stop working to destroy other innocent people's happiness. As I pray for him and his happiness, I will also pray that the good Lord may help me find my inner strength once more, so that I may continue to be and remain strong and brave for my precious girl, no matter how difficult the circumstances. I will never stop fighting to be her favorite role model and her biggest supporter and protector. I love her more than this life. More than this world. More than me. More than anything. Thanks to my sweet Chloe girl, no matter what endeavors (good or bad) that I have been forced to push through and will continue to push through, I know that I will continue to rise for her, no matter how much I may be knocked down in the meantime. As a mother, I will always, always, always, fight for, defend, protect, and pray for the sweet sake of my sweet girl. It is not only my duty and honor, but my privilege and blessing.
