Dear Shoes,Shoes.
I'll come right out and say it: I'm concerned. I'm not sure if you have incredibly swollen feet trapped in shoes made of lead, or if perhaps you are stricken with a disease that leaves you clomping around like a yeti, but either way I want to reach through the ceiling and punch you in the face.
I've lived below you for almost a year now, and at first I didn't know of you at all. You were just another tenant in this condo building with an assigned parking spot and a cute table and chair set out on the deck.
Oh Shoes, at first I thought it was a thunder storm, rolling and swirling in a spot strategically located above my kitchen counter. Then I realized it was you and your fleet of horses (maybe it's just one black lab) running back and forth across the...
Lifestyle
Dear Mr. Zucker,
Let me just start by saying what a HUGE fan I am of your work. Whether it’s “Scary Movie 3” or “Scary Movie 4,” those are the kinds of original comedies I want to make. Yours is a career I would give anything to emulate.
And I’ve been trying for years – I’ve written five screenplays on spec since graduating college and moving to Los Angeles – but unfortunately have never made any sales. Studios and production companies always return my query letters with the same response: “We do not accept unsolicited material.” But what’s made it so impossible to succeed is that I’ve never been able to get agents to read my scripts without any interest from established industry players. Kind of a Catch-22.
(I’m sure you’ve heard it all before, Mr. Zucker. You must have...
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Dear Ms Walker,
This is not a fan mail, though I wish it were. It is, equally, not a criticism of any of your books, which have said so much to so many. It is that very simple thing, a request to reconsider. I am, like yourself, a writer, having published (mainly with Harper Collins UK and US) over 25 novels under two different names. I am also a former academic in Arabic and Islamic Studies and a former editor of the Middle East Quarterly. I know the Middle East well, and have lived in Iran and Morocco.
I was, not to put too fine a point on it, shocked to the core to find that the sensitive author of The Color Purple and so many other books that speak to the heart has refused to let a Hebrew translation of that first, classic story to be published. Nor was I less shocked to discover...
2,751
Dear Rebound Guy,
I would like to take this time to 1) say thank you, and 2) apologize for using you at my own discretion.
You see, there comes a time in every girl’s life when she gets dumped. Dumped so hard she can only listen to Bon Iver, curl up in a ball in her bed and turn off all the lights. Oh yes, and sob, did I mention that? But there also comes a time when it’s Friday night and her best friends drag her out of bed, put her in a killer push-up bra, a mini-skirt and take her to the most populated bar in town. And that, my friend, is where you came in.
To begin, I’d like to thank you for approaching me…or rather the alcohol induced, suddenly-confident-yet-secretly-broken version of me. Right now you think I’m this great girl who you were so lucky to stumble upon and, sure...
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Dear President Martin,
I'm sure you've received plenty of backlash, both in public and in private, in regards to the culture of sexual violence that has been so prevalent at Amherst College throughout its history. I, a Mount Holyoke student, write to you to tell you I am truly beyond appalled at your administration's lack of an appropriate response to this issue. In fact, more than your lack of appropriateness, I am appalled at the events brought to light in an op-ed by Angie Epifano that was published in The Amherst Student on Oct. 17, 2012.
For your administration to not only ship this survivor of sexual assault off to a psych ward, but to absolutely destroy her time at Amherst, is incredible. Epifano details being disallowed to study abroad, being told not to complain about her...
2,384
Dear Cookie Butter,
I wasn’t aware of your existence until I was standing in line at Trader Joe’s a few weeks ago and noticed a display of jars with a sign that said “LIMIT TWO PER CUSTOMER.” I went to investigate but was stopped by a middle-aged man with a handlebar mustache wearing a Gryffindor t-shirt. Apparently sensing my curiosity, he held his hand up and shook his head. “You don’t want to buy that,” he said ominously.
“Why?” I asked. “What is it?”
“It’s cookie butter,” he said, “and once you start buying it, you will never stop.”
I looked in his basket and saw he had two jars of cookie butter. The woman behind him in line did too. People were swarming the cookie butter display like yellow jackets to a rack of ribs at a 4th of July picnic. Since I’m only human and...
5,364
Dear Judge Marvin E. Aspen:
It took me some time to address you because I didn’t know you were the source of my anger until recently. In case you care to know who I am, I’m Maria Lloyd- the daughter of Mario Lloyd, the non-violent, first-time offender from Chicago. You sentenced him to 15 life sentences without parole on May 11, 1989. He has been incarcerated since I was the age of two. In addition to sending my father to prison, you also sentenced my grandmother, my aunt, and my uncle. You basically incarcerated my entire family.
I’m not one to make excuses for anyone’s poor decisions, including those of my own family. They broke the law, so they deserved punishment. I get it. I also get the point you were proving in punishing them: Drug trafficking is not tolerated in the state...
2,703
Dear Jay,
How one whole year has come and gone is absolutely beyond me. Time speeds by around us so quickly it seems like twelve months have zoomed by in half the time, but it seems as if this has been my reality for so much longer. I can hardly remember what it’s like to not have you in my life.
It still makes me laugh that in the beginning months of our relationship, people would see us together and be surprised when they found out we were only together for five months, nine months. ‘You seem like high school or college sweethearts,’ they’d say. ‘You seem like you’ve been together for five or ten years.’ Even strangers would say this; and hearing it would fill me with such a sense of pride that I am in the very relationship I imagined when I was in high school and in college. I...
2,385
My Dear Future Boyfriend,
I have seen my share of immature first loves and the painful heartbreaks that follow. When I look back now, I feel that I have grown up. I know my priorities in life. I know myself and I am deeply, madly, and passionately in love with myself.
At the moment I don’t want a boyfriend. I don’t want to flaunt among my friends because I already have an awesome life.
But one day in my future I will need someone. Someone who can complete and compliment me. Someone who trusts me. Someone who understands me. Someone who is as strong as the wind to fight for me. Someone who is as soft as the breeze to calm me. Someone who is just there beside me, with unspoken words, with the unsaid promis to have the best talks in silenc. Someone who share my grievances.
Will you...
3,877
To My Frat Boyfriend,
When I was younger, and I heard about fraternities and sororities, I heard horrible stories. Greek life was just an excuse to buy friends, party and pay your way into being popular. In many college movies the stereotypical shallow and horrible antagonist was always a member of greek life. Even in the news today fraternities are always making headlines for their racist chants or the rape accusations against them.
When you first came to me with the idea that you wanted to join a fraternity I was a little more than hesitant. Did I really want my boyfriend becoming one of those meatheads that I have heard of? Against my gut I encouraged you to do what made you happy, even if it meant for you to join something I was against.
As quickly as you started the...
3,147