Dear Mr. Zucker,
Let me just start by saying what a HUGE fan I am of your work. Whether it’s “Scary Movie 3” or “Scary Movie 4,” those are the kinds of original comedies I want to make. Yours is a career I would give anything to emulate.
And I’ve been trying for years – I’ve written five screenplays on spec since graduating college and moving to Los Angeles – but unfortunately have never made any sales. Studios and production companies always return my query letters with the same response: “We do not accept unsolicited material.” But what’s made it so impossible to succeed is that I’ve never been able to get agents to read my scripts without any interest from established industry players. Kind of a Catch-22.
(I’m sure you’ve heard it all before, Mr. Zucker. You must have people breaking down your door wanting to work with you.)
The crazy thing, though, is that I always thought there was something more to the rejection. They were all so quick to turn me down, without ever asking for the details of my stories. But after seeing your latest hit, “An American Carol,” and reading about the legions of people in ultra-socialist Hollywood who threatened to blacklist you if you made it – for fear of what it would expose about them – I have come to a shocking realization:
I am being ignored by the film industry simply because I am a conservative.
A proud conservative who will never soften his ideology just to fit in. Someone who will never, EVER change their politics in their lifetime, no matter what happens. Just like you, Mr. Zucker.
So now that I finally understand what’s behind the failure of my career, and why my right-leaning scripts have received zero attention from professionals in the movie business, I thought I might take this opportunity to tell you about some ideas I’ve had* based on the success of “American Carol.” Instead of soft-peddling my viewpoint, like I have in my past work… I need to take the opposite approach. To go all-out in a conservative blaze of glory. As long as I can find like-minded filmmakers like you, and A-list actors like Kelsey Grammer, Jon Voight and Leslie Nielsen (the “Mercury Theater” of the 21st century!), we can come together to produce movies that escape the usual liberal echo chamber and are hits that middle America goes to see in droves… just like “An American Carol.”
(These are all ideas I’ve had since coming home from your movie on Friday night, so I haven’t fleshed them out in as much detail as I would have liked. I hope you can see past that – I feel there’s a lot of potential here to make more films for Republican audiences, and these are just the start.)
“Juno Harm” (that’s a take-off on the old saying “Do No Harm” – we can change the title if you don’t think it’s funny enough): this parody of “Juno” tells the story of a 15-year-old girl named June Oliver (aka “June O.”) who does the right thing by refusing to use birth control when having sex with her longtime boyfriend. But when she gets pregnant by the Lord’s will… she is corrupted by the Mainstream Media’s incessant elitist propaganda and chooses to abort her unborn child. That decision causes her to spiral down into a pit of despair (though we make it amusing at the same time). After talking to her forgiving father (Kelsey Grammer) and the kindly town priest (a moving Jon Voight), she decides to marry her boyfriend and drop out of school to right the horrible wrong she has committed… by getting pregnant again, this time carrying her child to term in a sweet and sentimental ending. Leslie Nielsen could play the nasty abortion doctor; maybe at the very VERY end, June O’s father kills the doctor and is arrested… but since we’re trying to keep the ending light, we probably shouldn’t go to such a dark place.
Instead, her father ISN’T caught by the police. And the doctor pays the ultimate price for his blasphemy… G-d’s will is done, and everyone lives happily ever after! (Except for the abortion doctor.)
“The Origin of Feces, Also Known As Unintelligent Design”: a spoof biopic of Charles Darwin (Leslie Nielsen). This script will pretty much write itself – a hilarious romp mocking Darwin as a moron who keeps failing upward until he misreads some scientific data and accidentally comes up with his ridiculous theory of “evolution” in an opium-induced fever dream. I know you’re as big a conservative as I am, Mr. Zucker, so you know what kind of a farce evolution is – you can see the inherent humor in this idea. And it wouldn’t just be entertaining… it would open people’s eyes to the absurdity of the so-called scientific method.
“Schindler’s Lost”: this parody of Steven Spielberg’s acclaimed Holocaust drama turns the events of World War II on their head and will make for a spoof the Religious Right will absolutely LOVE. Oskar Schindler (Jon Voight) attempts to save a second factory of Jews from the Nazis… but has too much to drink and gets lost along the way. The Jews are instead picked up by German stormtroopers (led by Kelsey Grammer) and taken to the concentration camp at Auschwitz. While there, they learn the true value of their toil, as the funny, elderly head Jew (Leslie Nielsen) teaches them about the service they are ultimately doing to G-d – for their sacrifice will one day lead to the creation of the state of Israel, thus fulfilling the first step in the Lord’s plan to hasten the End Times. We could bring on John Hagee as a “spiritual advisor” which would give us instant credibility with Evangelical churchgoers across America – and don’t forget, that kind of interest drove the box office receipts of “Passion of the Christ” through the ROOF. We’d have to make it funny… and while that may be difficult, I have faith in you, Mr. Zucker. People said Mel Brooks couldn’t make Nazis funny forty years ago… and look how “The Producers” turned out. (And anyway, Mel Brooks is no David Zucker!)
Admittedly, a Holocaust comedy is a hard sell in this town, even with the director of “BASEketball” behind the camera. If so, we could always soften the Jew angle and go with something a little more obviously humorous:
“Schindler’s Lust”: closeted homosexual Oskar Schindler (Leslie Nielsen, since that’s goofier casting) has an attraction to a local gay painter – actually make that a gay sculptor (Kelsey Grammer, at his most flamboyant), since sculpting is even gayer than painting. However, when the sculptor agrees to do a sculpture of Schindler’s naked body and sees him posing in the buff, he laughs at the small size of his manhood. The humiliated Schindler gives the artist up to the Nazis, and goes on to help them hunt down other homosexuals using his powers of gaydar – after all, he is secretly a sinner, just like them. The movie ends happily, as thousands of European gays are rounded up and sent to concentration camps. At one camp, the commandant (Jon Voight) could have a change of heart and give the homos one chance to survive: either convert to heterosexuality and give up their evil ways, or stay gay and be sent to the gas chambers. (Mind you, it’s not serious – all the homos are portrayed really faggy, so people don’t mind seeing them locked up and tortured – it’s played for laughs.)
“Ronald Reagan: An American Patriot”: I don’t know if you’d ever try making an ambitious, intelligent movie… but if so, how about the life story of our greatest president? Jon Voight would make a convincing Reagan; Kelsey Grammer could handle George Bush with ease; and in divine casting (if I do say so myself!), Leslie Nielsen would portray longtime Democrat foe Tip O’Neill. Again, this one wouldn’t be comedic at all. Except maybe for the part about Iran-Contra.
“An Inconvenient Bore”: Self-described climate “expert” Al Bore (Jon Voight – his hair dyed black, so people make the connection) has been making a fortune trying to frighten innocent Americans about the myth of climate change. After earning millions of dollars conning gullible liberals about environmental dangers, and convincing mankind to get rid of its high-emission vehicles and any machinery that outputs CO2, the sun goes back down from its current peak output, and the declining solar cycle cools off the climate (which, as you are no doubt aware, has happened repeatedly since the Earth was created 6,000 years ago). As a new Ice Age approaches, we have lost the ability to have an impact on global temperatures, and we slowly start to freeze to death, as Al Bore realizes the horrible mistake he’s made. The whole tone of the movie, while it may sound dark, is comedic… think of it as a spoof of “Soylent Green” or “Twilight Zone” or “The Happening” (ugh) – any of those ironic twist movies. (I haven’t thought of roles for Grammer or Nielsen yet – maybe they play fellow survivors of the global freeze.)
So that’s all. If you like any of these ideas (or all of them!), please don’t hesitate to get in touch with me. It would be the thrill of a lifetime to work with you, Mr. Zucker – I know we can come up with projects just as good as “My Boss’s Daughter.” Together, we will take this town back from the legions of bleeding heart terrorist sympathizers who try to pass themselves off as decent Americans and restore some dignity and integrity to Hollywood!!!
Admirably yours,
Kevin Field
