Here's an open letter to you, mom. I can only hope that you read this.
I hardly remember you because even when you were here, you weren't around much. But I do know that I looked up to you, and you were my bestfriend.
This letter isn't to make you feel bad for leaving my dad. This isn't to make you feel like a monster. This is for you to recognize me, because it has been 5 years since you left. I know you'll never see this because you don't search for me everywhere you go like I search for you.
When you left for the 3rd time (you were always so good at leaving, just to come back), I knew you weren't coming back. When I woke up only to find that the pictures were off the wall, the furniture was gone, and so were you, I knew that this time you weren't coming home ever again. And you never did.
I was never slowly weaned off of you. One night you were here, the next morning you were not.
When you came into town for court and saw me, you asked why I changed so much. How could I not? You left for 5 years. That changes a person.
I shouldn't be happy when I think you're dead.
You ruined me in ways I can't even begin to comprehend. I'm growing up without a mother to guide me, and I'm terrified.
My last boyfriend cheated on me. He was having sex with his ex the whole time we were dating.
I was only 14, mom. You could have showed me all of the red flags that were practically being waved in my face, but you just weren't here.
First I wasn't enough for you, and now I wasn't enough for him. I'm tired of not being enough for people. I wasn't even a bad kid. Maybe you wouldn't have left me if I had cleaned my room more or done chores like you'd ask. I can't help but blame myself for you leaving.
I search for you everywhere I go. First I only searched on social media, but now I search for you in all of the crowds. You're never there. I don't know where you live, I don't know what your favorite color is, I don't know what helps you to sleep at night. You're just another one of the 7 billion strangers in this world.
I wish it wasn't like this.
