I could start off out-right bashing you, calling you any of the names that most of my friends would agree that you deserve. I could use this moment to get 15 minutes of fame and likes from people who want to eat some popcorn and read a good soap opera. But you would be winning, wouldn't you?
I wanted to say that I'm okay. You did a lot of damage, physically and mentally, but I'm healing. There's a lot that I'm still scared of, and I know that's a product of the abuse. But I never could have imagined a day that I would smile so much when you weren't in my life, that I would allow myself to like another man, or that I could start to see a hopeful future spreading out before me. I didn't see this the first time we broke up. Or the tenth. Or every other time except for the last time.
I'm not constantly worried that you're cheating on me. I don't have to be concerned that you're on drugs, which kinds your using, or the negative impact it will have on my son. I don't have to worry that my son will be hit by you, talked to like you talked to me, or that he will be emotionally tortured like you tormented me for the 6 years we were on and off again. My son is safe, he is stable, happy, and he has everything he could ever need or want.
And you? You chose pills and powder over the most amazing treasure in the world. You chose crime over staying at home and reading to a little boy who loves books. You chose beating the woman you claimed to love while she carried who you helped to make instead of taking her to doctor's appointments. You chose threatening to beat that little boy before he was even born instead of getting to rock him to sleep every night, watching him twirl your hair in one hand and suck his thumb in the other. You chose partying, instability, women and sex, and lying over watching my son grow up. Yes, my son, because a parent isn't that because they created a baby. They are a parent - they are "mommy" or "daddy" because they gave up the things they wanted, the easy roads, the negativity in their lives so that their child would have a safe, loving, stable, and normal life. I chose that road. And you, unfortunately chose your own.
Because while your road seemed easy and carefree - parties, sex, drugs and alcohol, lying, and dragging my name through the mud - where are you? Where is that steady job you threatened to use to take my son away from me just because you were mad? Where is that house that you claimed is better for my son than the loving home he has with me? Where is your temporary high, your joy, your faith? Because me - where am I? Where did no sleep, countless diaper changes, thousands of tears, nights of walking a colicy baby, sleeping with him upright in my arms so he wouldn't aspirate on vomit, breathing treatments because his lungs were premature related to your abuse - where did all of that get me? Messy. Tired. Less time to myself. But it gave me joy.
I'm living life. I'm free of the toxic relationship I allowed you to trap me in, because without my son I wouldn't have had the courage to walk away from you. Yes, I have fewer friends, but those that are here are the best I could have ever had. Yes, I don't have a lot of time for me, but being a mommy means your life revolves around your child until they day they turn 18, and even still, they are your world. Yes, I'm single, but I've come to realize that is healthier and I'm happier that way in comparison with being with someone just because I don't want to be alone.
These last two and a half, nearly three years have been difficult. I've cried, a lot. I've wanted to bang my head against the wall. I've suffered some poor grades in class, had to quit a job, have sacrificed the partying years of my life, and I'm happier than I could ever be. Because my son is the light of my life, he is a gift from God.
You're missing out on his firsts, all of the laughter, the new experiences, his growing love for Christ, how quickly he's learning, and all of the simple joys you can only get from being a parent. You can have more children, but you will never have another boy like my son, and you won't replace him. And for that, I feel sorry for you. But I don't regret keeping him safe from you, and I never will.
So, lastly, I wanted to say thank you. Thank you for doing one thing right, and helping make my son. That's all you've done, but without that one act, albeit selfish on your part, gave me the best part about me.
Sincerely,
The Family You'll Wish You'd Taken Care Of
