I hope this letter does eventually find you.
I always wonder how you even get out of bed a pile on all that make up every day, knowing that today you know even less about your daughter than you did yesterday.
What web of lies do you fabricate for your family and friends to justify why you haven’t seen your first born child in almost six years.
I assume you place the blame on her dad and I, that we brainwashed her to turn against you. Well if brainwashing is showing her a home that runs on respect, love, attention, and working together while your home offered interrogation, blaming, constant arguing and confrontation, and abuse, then yes, you’re right, we brainwashed the hell out of her, or maybe at nine years old she started to do what you always said she would do “She will start to remember all of this”
Instead of spending time drilling into her head that she could pick a place to live at 13, you should have been trying to get to know her.
She was never a human being to you, a living breathing soul capable of feeling love, joy, sadness, or pain. She was property to you, a doll, a thing to take away from her dad to hurt him!
For what?… Why?... You are the one who said you didn’t love him anymore. So are you mad… are you mad that he found someone who would… your daughter too?... Were you mad his life wasn’t in shambles, crumbling apart like yours?
Misery loves company. Did you honestly think he would stay alone, that he was forever unlovable?
If so, you’re crazy. Are you mad that our relationship is the polar opposite of what yours had been with him? Are you mad I was younger?
Whatever your reason, was it worth taking food out of our other two children’s mouths, was it worth all the fighting she had to witness, was it worth racking up a school loan type debt on lawyer fees… was it worth constantly interrogating your daughter, was it worth shattering her self -esteem, making her feel at fault, losing her?? Was it all worth it just to try to inflict as much pain on her dad, instead of focusing on loving her?
You had put us through so much, your partner harassing me at work, harassing us at home, your family harassing us, threatening phone calls…
No lie, we tried to hurt you back a little, young and foolish I suppose…
But what really hurt us the most was listening to a then four year old claim her mother told her she didn’t love her!
The knife in your e- husband’s heart was that his little girl was hurting. Nothing you could ever say or do was ever going to hurt him more than seeing his baby in pain, confused, and hurt. But that didn’t stop you from trying.
With the help of lawyers we were eventually able to reduce her time in your home and the toxicity of her relationships with you and popeye.
Better was the day she had finally had enough and told you not to pick her up the coming scheduled visitation.
Arguments ensued over the telephone for a short while after this between you and her, you explained to her that HER behaviour was stressful and that your door was not a revolving one for her.
So she chose to stay away from your door.
The following school year she received an email from you that you were moving eight hours away, the wheels were in motion. Your primary justification was “I have no reason to stay as you don’t want anything to do with me”
Try not to forget eight months had passed and you made minimal effort to connect with her.
Now here is where some explaining needs to be done for you to understand a thing or two. A court date for custody had been arranged for a few days after your relocation. YOU did not want to return for a court date and custody papers were sent to you via fax where you signed giving dad full custody (this is not the relinquishment of your parental rights) she is right, YOU SIGNED AWAY CUSTODY!
This was the beginning of some serious life changing issues with our child, mainly the struggle to cope with abandonment and guilt. It literally consumed her life, while you carried on with yours.
When you returned several months later we had no address or even knowledge you had even returned. Not one dime up to this point (and beyond this point) was ever paid in child support. You claimed all this time not to be money hungry, but don’t forget when we had custody and you filed with FRO… you still owe us that money by the by…
You rarely reached out, “let’s be honest” and when you did, once child support or tax returns were mentioned you quickly scattered back under the selfish rock from which you crawled out of.
Anytime you did come around (twice) you just bought stuff, but FACT: money doesn’t buy love!
She has memorized, categorized, and filed away any lie you have ever spun with very precise detail. Yet because your web is so intricate and complex, you can’t even keep track of lie vs truth. This is why she doesn’t trust you, why she doesn’t feel safe with you why she struggles with forgiveness.
Now through this all, you have the audacity to ask her why she is mad and continue to justify your behaviour, continue to strongly impose the idea that you tried, you really tried.
I honestly don’t remember the daily calls, texts, and emails. I can not recall you camped out on my lawn, and she doesn’t seem to have any recollection of you loitering around school just to get a quick glimpse of her. If my memory serves me well, you did not call or text to simply ask how she was, how school was going, ask about hobbies, or sports… I guess you must have been trying in a way we didn’t see clearly.
You are the last person the world would expect, and her for that matter, to have let her down, to have made her feel like less than first place in your life.
Now I must say this however, as much as it hurts to see her in pain, I am going to take a moment to bask in the glory of your absence, and say thank you.
I have spent countless evenings doing homework. Many nights hanging around watching movies. Transitioning her from girl to woman. Shopping, birthdays, dressing up, school dances and other events – so much that you have missed
Ending every night for the last seven years with a kiss and goodnight I love you.
But even better I wake up every day to a beautiful, smart, caring, compassionate bonus daughter who I couldn’t love anymore, and calls me “Mommy”
And I realize I only have you to thank. Thank you for falling love with my husband, for creating a most extraordinary life, and then falling out of love with my husband. Without this chain of events, I wouldn’t be living the most amazing and completely full life. You don’t know this but she is the greatest gift!
