{I'm just not happy}
I'm sorry
I'm binging like crazy
Sleepless nights
Are almost every night
I understand you care
But when you yell at me for
Simple
Dumb
Things
It hurts
{Because you don't understand}
What I'm going through
Or what I've been through
You might think you do
But you don't know my life
And my story
{what you don't know,}
You don't know that I was sexually abused for
A few years
Ages about 9-10
That girls house I used to go over to
Her brother
That's just graduating high school this year
I believe.
The stuff he did to me was wrong
But I still went over there
Even tho I had a choice
But I still don't understand
Why
I did this to myself
I could've left
Or
Stopped it
But once
I realized that it was wrong
I left
{but}
That created a something new
A feeling of neglect
Loneliness
And emptiness
{I understand}
My family loved me
Gave me attention
And love
But what he gave me
Was a different type of feeling
Which lead to me
Trying to find that feeling again
{dad,}
I'm sorry
I'm sorry you now
From above
Watched my sinned
I'm sorry you now know
I'm sorry I wasn't there
I could've saved you
I'm sorry for being selfish
I'm sorry for not realizing
What I had
You were a
Friend
A best friend
A father
And family
You've taught me life lessons
I won't ever forget
Like giving to people
Who need more
Then I do
Thank you for all you've done
{mom/step mom}
It's your fault
I'm a bitch
A spoiled bitch
You gave me everything
But everything was to much
Your influence on me
Wasn't good at all
Actually it was horrible
{I wish you never adopted me}
I wish you would've let
Uncle lee
Take me and let those
Nice people who wanted me
Take me
I could've turned out better
But no
You had to take me
You were already to old
And you knew in 10 years
I was
Gonna be to much
For you.
{it's your fault}
I'm a bitch
A brat
And more.
{you created}
My shitty personality
My anger
My everything
You taught me.
{Kayci,}
Thank you for birthing me.
Thank you for bringing me into
This world
Thanks you
I know I won't
Ever
Understand what you went through
Or what your going through
I know it's not your fault I was born addicted
I was an accident.
It wasn't your fault.
Thank you for everything
I love you
Thank you for being there for me
Your not the best mother
But
I'm glad I know you
And that
We're this close
{but you don't know everything}
You knew something happened
When I didn't
Like or want
Marc around anymore
You questioned me
And him I think
But you eventually gave up
Trying
To find out
{What he did to me}
He tried to rape me
I guess you could say
I don't know why he stopped
But I'm glad he did
Before he went any further
{I felt hopeless}
I could've easily
Left
And
Stopped it
But I was like
Paralyzed
From the flash backs
Of what happened when I was younger
I didn't know what to do
So I did nothing
{I'm sorry}
To everyone who's watching over me
I'm sorry for what you've seen
Particularly aunt Nikki
You've been watching over me
the longest
Sorry.
I didn't know you well
Since you passed
When I was about 6
But I've heard
The wonderful
Things
You did for me
The 6 years you were in my life
{john,}
I know your death
Wasn't an accident
We all know that
At first
The police said
It was a possible homicide
And then a possible suicide
But they settled on
Unpredictable/accidental death
{thank you}
For being a huge father figure
In my life
Thank you for everything you've done
You taught me how to hunt,
shoot guns,
And bows.
Thanks you
For all the beautiful
Memories
And making
My childhood
Complete
{to my past self}
Sorry you had to go through that
Sorry
If only there was a way
to see the future
It would make everything
Better
{to my future self}
I hope you keep yourself together
Everything is gonna be fine
I hope you go to college
And become
Someone
And something
Big
I know
You can do it
You've got through everything else
I'm sure you can do this
{to my future children}
I love all of you just the same
It doesn't matter
If you were
Adopted
Or not
I love you
I promise
you can tell me everything
I won't be
That parent
Who's gonna get mad
When you tell me something
That you did wrong
Or
if I ever caught you
Doing something wrong
I won't get mad
I promise
And if anyone
Ever
Hurts you
Please
Tell me
{to my future wife or husband}
I swear
To god
If you
Ever
Hurt
My children
I will murder you
That's a promise
{sorry everyone}
Who's in my life
Right now
You don't want me
Because
I'm just a problem
That's what you tell me
Everything is my fault
You say
I'm a horrible person
I'm a bitch,
Spoiled,
Obnoxious,
Rude,
Selfish,
And heartless.
{I know}
You say
I don't have any friends
Because of that
But when I say
I don't need
Anyone but myself
You get mad
Because
You think
I'm being selfish
{but I thought}
You told me
When I came here
I had to
Stop
Relying on other people
So I did
Completely
{you don't see}
The countless
Night
I spend
Walking laps in my room
Because I'm having a panic attack
Or
The cuts on my ankle
Or
How I cry for hours
When
I'm all alone
{you say}
You yell
At me
Because you care
But you don't
Know
I can hear you
From my room
When you talk
About me in the kitchen
{you blame me}
For my mental state
And my sleeping issues
And my physical condition
Like how I'm sick
Everyday
But you won't bring me to a doctors
Because
I'm making it up
Or that I control
How I sleep
{it's not my fault}
I'm depressed
Or that I'm a horrible person
I don't control
My sleep
I don't
Understand
Why I can't sleep
At night
But I can
During the day
{you don't understand}
Please stop
Saying
You understand
Because
You don't
You've only been
in my life
For the past few months
I understand you knew me
When I was younger
But when
You left jersey
We lost contact
So you don't know me
{owen,}
Thanks for everything
I understand
Your going
Through a lot
Please
When you get older
Don't leave
I'm here for you
And always will be
I understand
There will be
A year
Or two
Where
It will be awkward
Since you are
Two years, 3 months
Younger then me
Your like family to me
I've watched you
And your siblings
Grow up
I promise
What your going through
Right now
Will pass
And everything will be ok
You have so much
Potential
I know
Your
Gonna become
Someone and something big
Your still young
So
You have time
To figure out
What
You
Wanna do with
Your life
Just
Please
When you start
To get
Older
And make friends
Your age
Please
Don't leave me
Because
No one
Has ever
Stayed
I'm your life
Like I have
And I know
That for a
A fact
Because
I'm
The only
Person
Who
Is worried about
You
I'm the
Only
Person
Who contacts
Your mom
When you don't
answer texts
Or calls
For more then 2 weeks
{Owens mother,}
Thank you
For being
In my life
And supporting
And caring about me
Your like a mother to me
And Liam, charlotte, and owen
Are all like
Siblings to me
{charlotte,}
I hope
I get to see you grow
I hope
I'm here for you
When you need someone
I promise
You
Can tell me anything
I hope
I'm in your life
When you become
A teenager
And a young adult
Don't let anyone
Ever
Hurt you
{Liam,}
I hope
when you start to grow up
Your anger issues
With go away
I don't wanna see you
Go through
What me
And your amazing
Brother, owen
Have been through
As you grow
And if you
End up
In a behavioral school
You will see
That the teachers
Will
Change
How the entire situation went
If/when they
Put you
In a restraint
Don't
Fight it
Your only
Gonna get
More hurt
I know
It's painful
But
If you
Don't
Fight it
You'll be fine
#openletter
