To my little brother and my little sister
I love you. I love you so damn much that I gave up my chance to get away from our family. College was going to be my escape, my grand get-away. Until your conception was announced during my senior year of high school. Now I go to college an hour and a half away from home. Too far from you both, but too close to your parents. In the end, though, it was my choice to stay close by. I did it for you, for myself, but not for them.
Do not mistake this for a love letter—it is an apology. I’m sorry that I was not good enough for our mother. I’m sorry that I never stood up to her for the abuse she put me through because I know that you will suffer the same fate. I’m sorry that I did not fight back; make her see her true self, so that you could glide through your childhood unscathed. I’m sorry that I’m not closer, but this is as close as I can be and still live. I’m sorry that you will endure years and years of being treated as ungrateful little brats, when you are nothing but sweet and darling. I’m sorry that you will walk the same path I did, but I hope that your outcome is better than mine.
I hope you fight back. I pray you do not cower and accept her words as truth. I hope you see your value. I hope you continue loving everything. I hope she does not harden you; I hope you stay kind. I hope you stay innocent. I hope you stay optimistic. But most of all, I hope that you call me when you do not feel like you are any of these things anymore. I hope that my going away does not lead you to distance yourselves from me. From your older sister who loves you more than anything—anyone. I hope you can find a way to forgive me for not changing her. I hope you can forgive me for ultimately leaving you behind to deal with chaos. I hope you can forgive me for taking my chance to leave and get help and get better. Because I did it for you. I did it for the family that we can be. I did not go far, my darlings. I will always be there when you need me, and I will always come back for you.
