Dear children I didn't deserve,
I'm the worst mother in the universe. I was never there for you , I didn't cook or clean, I never played with you or took you places, i made sure you always knew how shitty I thought you were, never admiring you nor lifting you up. No compliments were passed around in our home!! I never held you, never chased away monsters and your bad dreams in the middle of the night, never cared about your feelings.
All I did was drink. There was no joy or laughter or comfort in the home I provided. I didn't volunteer at your school, or buy instruments for you to play or drive you to practices. I didn't encourage you. I just tore you down every day. I didn't punish you often enough or ever take your feelings into consideration.
I drank alcohol and I even had sex a handful of times in the home you lived in. I was raped once and was hard to wake up the next morning after an evening of sleeping pill induced sleep. A good mother would have stayed awake all night rather than take the prescription given for sleep. I traumatized them and I did that because I didn't care.
I didn't run around the house in my underwear, or sing silliness into hairbrushes, or make up good morning songs to start off your day smiling. I was totally inconsiderate of you and your friends, your needs and your wants, wishes and dreams. I was horrible.
I never sang songs with you in the car 12 times straight or read bedtime stories 6 times straight when I could hardly keep my eyes open.
I didn't drive 2 hours at 35 mph on the highway with a damaged tie rod in my decrepit beater car to meet their dad half way for a visit after their dad snapped at me to "put the fucking kids in the car and get your ass to meet me NOW" after I had told him the mechanic told me highway driving over 35 mph could be deadly if we hit a bump at any point. I didn't beg and cry and plead with him to give me time to save up the money to fix that before I drove you halfway.. In an unsafe car. I didn't care at all about putting you in danger.
I didn't play games or make up fun games while we were in waiting rooms to make it more fun for them.
I didn't throw birthday parties, plan surprises, or do endless loads of laundry, or save money for months to buy the wishlist gift regardless of the cost. I didn't pay bills or utilities or buy you cute clothes. I didn't worry daily about what to cook for supper to cater to both your preferences. I didn't agonize at night, exhausted, and going over my every word or choice or action from the day and desperately beg God to tell me if I was doing it right.. Doing Anything right?. I never wished with all my heart I had a manual for whether I was loving you enough .. Or too much.. Was I doing enough? Or not nearly enough. I didn't care about those things.
I didn't pray daily to be the mother I never had and beg for the knowledge of how to give and create what I never knew in my own childhood. I definitely didn't shop at thrift stores so you could have the exact pair of pants you wanted from a nice store.
I didn't house, feed, and clothe you with very little assistance from anyone else. I didn't skip movies I wanted to see because I could barely afford two tickets and there wouldn't be enough for you to have movie snacks or take a friend with if I went to the movies too.
I didn't worry I couldn't protect you from pain or bad people. I didn't worry about your safety or happiness at all. I didn't lie awake night worrying about you, your hearts, your spirits, your futures. I didn't care.
I never danced or hugged or skipped with you or give you any positive attention....
I didn't sleep in your beds when you were away with my family I wasn't invited with, and breathe deeply in the smell of your beautiful hearts left over on your sheets before I washed them.
I was too drunk and too busy having sex.
When you got older and had heartbreaks, I didn't care. I didn't take you on special getaways or hold your hands as they cried. When you were hurt or sad, I never cared. I just criticized and shamed you.. Striking the fear of God in you. I never tried everything I could think of to make you feel better when anything at all in your worlds hurt you.
No, All I did for 15 years as a mother was drink and have sex sometimes and be a horrible monster to my neglected, unloved, and uncared for children.
I have no excuses for being the shittiest mother in existence... I've no one to blame but myself. Sure, life threw me some harsh breaks, but that's no excuse for imperfection. Any harsh things I endured were all of my own fault and creation anyway.
I'll never know how I could have tried so hard and cared so much and still got not a single thing right enough worth remembering. There's no excuse for me. I was worthless to you. I had nothing good to offer you. My biggest struggle is how hard I tried in spite of how much I sucked. I would have been a better mother to not have tried at all. Apparently I just never was willing to accept what a hopeless piece of shit I truly am. I really should have listened to my mother all along and I maybe could have saved my children from a miserable hellish childhood of failed motherly non-worthy-efforts.
I've truly never been so sorry for my pathetic worthless existence since clear back when I was a worthless fuck-up child, myself. My mother did know what she was telling me all those years ago.
I'm glad you'll have her as an intelligent worthwhile grandmother now. Wish we could have just skipped the momma part altogether and I could have handed you straight to your grandma, if I'd ever had a clue that I wouldn't get anything right no matter how desperately I wanted to be good enough to at least deserve the two amazing children I gave birth to.. If I'd had an inkling at just how bad my best efforts would suck, I would have handed you over to anyone . I can't imagine there's anyone in the world you'd have been as mistreated and neglected as you were with me as your momma.
I'm sorry I was to blind to see the truth and too selfish to give you to a more suitable momma who might have deserved you .
Sincerely, and in apologies and grief for my very existence,
Me....
(AKA The worst, most irresponsible, cruel monster of a mother who has ever existed and is left to eternally wonder how she tried so hard, loved so very deeply, and still failed in every possible way )
