So. How's life treating you? I'd be lying if I said you still didn't cross my mind on a regular basis. Do I come across yours? All those nights you lie awake paranoid. Or so you say. Do I cross your mind? I would say I've moved on and have completely accepted that you no longer want me in your life. But once again, I'd be lying. Do you have any idea how much it kills me that you act like I don't exist? It's been two years since I've seen you or my three siblings. Do you really think it doesn't hurt? That it doesn't feel like someone is ripping out my heart with a rusty dagger? Because it hurts more than you can imagine. I pretend it doesn't, trying to convince myself that I'm not hurt. But I am.
I should've known, when you contacted me in fifth grade about my baby sister that it was too good to be true. You'd never been in my life before that. Oh wait, except for the time you told four-year-old me "We don't say 'I love you' in this house." Who says that to a four year old? That still haunts me to this day and absolutely crushed me then. I called mom in tears that night, begging her to drive back the eight hours and come rescue me from you. And she did. Because she loves me more than you ever will.
But you called me in fifth grade, and I was young and hopeful. So, that summer, mom drove me the eight hours to your house. And there I stayed for the summer. I loved it. I had so many new people in my family that loved and adored me and cared for me. Each summer I returned, I couldn't get enough. You were finally in my life. Really, truly in my life. So I started coming down every chance I got, be it summer, spring break, or Christmas break. I was there. You married. I was so happy for you. I was happy for myself too because I finally felt like I was a part of your family. And that was something I'd always, always dreamed of. I had three siblings, and having grown up for years an only child I was over joyed. I had an amazing step mother and all of her family. I thought everything was perfect.
But the thing about that is that I let my joy intoxicate me. You filled my head with stories about how horrible my mother was. You blamed her for never seeing me. You said she ripped up the letters you sent me and threw away the birthday presents you sent. And I believed you. Because of that I almost lost the most important person in my life. I hated her because of your lies. We fought constantly.
Cue in the summer before my freshman year. You offered to home school me, knowing how much I hated public school because of all the people. I accepted almost instantly because it meant I would be able to live with you and I thought that was what you wanted. So I called mom, told her I was moving in with you and hung up on her. She called me back screaming but finally relented and we packed my things. A few weeks later I was sharing a room with my baby sister and my brothers and I had started our lessons. You promised you would handle all the legal paperwork to transfer me out of my school. But....you lied.
And do you remember how I found out it was all a lie? Hmm? Mom called your phone, you wouldn't let me answer it, knowing she'd call back later. Well she did call back later. Do you remember what she had to say? "I'll be there in three hours, your shit better be packed. I'm bringing you home because CPS is breathing down my neck because you've missed two weeks of school." I started crying hysterically, trying to explain to you what was going on. You took the phone and argued with her for about two minutes, hanging up. I asked you what I should do because she couldn't force me to come home right? Wrong. You told me to pack my stuff. I called my best friend during a full blown panic attack, not being coherent. All I could convey was that I had to come home. My brother came home, you yelled at him for punching the wall. He yelled at you for letting this happen. He said you were supposed to protect me from my mother. But she wasn't the one I needed protecting from.
You promised to get paperwork fixed. You promised me before I left. But you lied. You never tried. Because you were too busy moving in with your mother. Do you remember how I found out that you moved? Through Facebook at a friend's birthday party. When I messaged you, you said everyone was busy and you must've just forgot. You don't just forget something like that. I didn't see you again for two years.
Those two years almost killed me. You quit messaging me. You always got mad if I asked how the family was doing. Turns out Grandma was suicidal, you were in ICU, my brother hid steak knives in his dresser drawers, the other had horrible anger problems and almost killed someone. One of them threatened to stab a student at school. And when I finally did find all this out, once again, you had just "forgotten" to let me know. Yet everyone else knew. Why was I the only exception?
Guess your life fell apart huh?
Well guess what, mine did too. I cried myself to sleep every night, hated my mother, quit eating, almost failed my freshman year of school because I just quit caring. I was so depressed I could barely get out of bed. I just couldn't make myself act like everything was okay. Because the family I'd loved for years and been taken into had just quit caring. How do you just quit caring about someone? It was as if someone flipped a switch. That was it, your caring mode was now off.
The last time I saw you was two years ago. Remember why? To get my stuff out of storage because you gave me such a hard time to get it. My clothes, books, stuffed animals. You didn't care that I had nothing. A teacher gave me a ride down to your house because she was passing through the area. An eight hour drive. And then you gave her such a hard time about picking me up that mom had to come get me. She almost lost her job because of you. And then, you told me to lie to her, that my teacher had given YOU a hard time. I refused. So, you left before mom got there. You took my baby sister and that's the last time I've seen her. She thinks I don't love her because of you. It's the last thing she said to me. She refused to look at me that day. She was four. Four years old and she's already been betrayed and heartbroken. All because of your selfishness. You never really wanted me in your family. You never loved my mother and you never loved me.
You have messaged me three times since then, over two years. You were sending a gift card for Christmas, tell you when it arrived. My great grandmother died. My baby sister wants to see me. She misses me. I wanted so badly to see her and you tried to make it work. Or so I thought. You said you had a ride for me with a "friend". You refused to tell me his name and said I'd never met him before. I declined your offer because I was uncomfortable riding with a gentleman I'd never met, especially for eight hours as a teenager. I've heard too many horror stories. Especially since you wouldn't tell me who he was.
But I've heard life isn't that great for you. One boy moved out, away from your toxic presence. And the other? You shipped him off because you couldn't handle his attitude. My sweet baby sister had lice for over a year and you did NOTHING.
I've told you more than once to stay out of life. You always have so it should be easy right? Just keep acting the way you do now.
You still cross my mind, but not because I miss you. I no longer blame myself for your toxicity. You cross my mind because I miss the memories I made those few years when I was intoxicated with joy. I miss my siblings, but not you. I don't miss your wife, mother, aunts, uncle, your inlaws. No, I don't miss any of them. You're all corruptive, manipulative, and quite frankly, I'd consider you all unloving. But I will always miss my siblings, even if they are "step" siblings. They will always, always be my family.
And you? You're just a sperm donor. The only thing that I've inherited from you is a love of history and strategy games. But that's it. I'm a spitting image of mom, so much so that we're often mistaken for sisters. I will never consider you my "father" ever again. You've caused me too much pain for that. And you're not worth my time. You don't deserve the honor that being a father is. All I have left to say is this:
Be a better father to my darling little sister than you ever were to me. Treat her like your daughter. Because no girl should have to grow up without her father. Trust me, because I did.
Sincerly,
The Daughter You Pretended To Love
